To Be Well Loved By Mormons

Today, it is 22 years since my father died.

In a few days, I will be having major surgery. 

And I don’t know if the regular waves of grief and nausea that smash into me are from the concern about the surgery, or the ongoing overwhelm from the loss of Dad.

I was at Benchmark Books last week for the release (posthumous) of Kate Holbrook’s excellent book “Both Things Are True”. It was bittersweet to hear from Kate’s husband, Sam Brown as he spoke of what a miracle it is that Kate, that any of us, exist. And that we are all a part of each other’s lives. 

He spoke of the loss and grief after she died almost a year ago, and how hard it was for him to go from being a giver, to being a receiver of help and service. He talked about the amazing ways friends and family stepped in, and helped them continue to function, and live. After about 6 months, he began to see small ways to maybe offer something again. And now, he finds he can be aware of some near him who are carrying unimaginable burdens, and step in to help carry them.

In the midst of this telling, he paused and said, “What an amazing thing…to be well loved by Mormons.”

This week on the anniversary of Dad’s death, grief is always present. This loss of Dad is still as raw as ever. I also think of the miracle of his existence, and how I learned from him to be present to the miracle of any existence, even when it is overwhelming. 

I wallow in memories of those last few months of Dad’s life, when all the efforts of so many could not stop that insidious cancer from taking him. 

That moving phrase from Sam Brown– “What an amazing thing…to be well loved by Mormons.” 

During that time 22 years ago, when the unthinkable was happening, we were well loved by Mormons.

Mom rushed Dad to the hospital in the middle of the night, and the brain surgeon worked to remove the tumor through to morning. I left the hospital to go take care of things at my parents’ house by mid-morning. There was already some freshly made food set carefully by the front door, along with a message of love and concern. This continued for months. I rarely saw anyone. It was as if elves came whenever we were focusing on Dad’s care, and left dishes that were made from fresh garden produce, and wonderful ingredients that would heal and comfort. 

Ward members showed up to take care of the yard, or sit and listen. Calls and messages coming from every part of the Mormon community. A friend who knew Mom and Dad from many decades back flew to Utah from Boston, with live lobsters in her carry-on. She provided a lobster dinner for us, She felt this was what she could do to help carry us as we tried to carry him.

These were people all across the spectrum of belief and activity and connection to the church. If there is anything I have learned from my Mormon heritage, it is that nothing is more important than mourning with those that mourn, bearing one another’s burdens, and visiting those in need, bringing food when you do so. 

I am so grateful for the way many loved ones carry this with them, no matter where their faith journey takes them. I see people form compassionate service networks in many creative ways for each other when there is no longer a connection to a ward community. The memory of service offered during unbearable times is one that calls us to continue to offer that when we see a need, even if it is not through any official channel. 

I was asked on a recent podcast interview “What is your favorite calling?”

My answer – It is the calling I give myself. The calling to look for ways to love, even when it is hard, or scary, or confronting. In a way, I have had this calling since I was baptized (even though it took many years to set aside the “satisfying justice” rhetoric, and be aware of the cool “learn to love” part of it), and took on the covenant to mourn, and share, and rejoice, and carry. 

I have learned from those in my lifelong and multi-generational Mormon communities who love well. The meals brought, the blessings offered (I grew up in the era when both parents, or couple would offer the blessing), the gatherings of families and individuals for everything from camping to fireside discussions to musical performances, the people across the country and the world who offered shelter and food for weary travelers, or anyone in need (I don’t remember staying in a motel on road trips until I was in college, and, even then, it was rare. We were always welcomed into the home of a friend, even if it was to sleep on the floor or couch. There were 8 of us, after all). The teachers who emphasized the love of God, no matter the lesson subject, and no matter how much creativity it took to present it in inspiring, personal ways. The leaders who cared more about listening, and sitting with, than on preaching and controlling opinions. The members who saw a need, and, not waiting for top-down actions, created grass roots options and programs to meet the need, and generously shared their work so it could benefit many others. Especially those who love so well, they do not wait for leaders to direct them in all things. They listen to the constant call of the gospel to seek inspiration in responding to feeding, caring for, and redeeming through activism and service that acknowledges the miracle of each person’s existence, listening and sitting with them as Christ would, creating space to live and breathe deeply.

It is the example of Divine Parents, to love me so well that I desire to live more completely, to move forward into new worlds, new life, new growth – even when so much is unknown, even when I might not ever know how I can make it through – I am inspired by Their constant love, awareness, grace, presence. There is no end to that. It is so much more than all the attempts by some people in all places to define and confine and restrict how, where and who god can love. It is the constant of Divinity loving well that multiplies and replenishes life in ways that are so much more expansive and inclusive than biological reproduction. And They call us to do the same. This is a uniquely Mormon teaching – that we were invited into new life when we were inspired forward by the Gods, and we are asked to follow their example by doing the same. I can multiply and replenish life each time I love well, in a way that someone fells fed, seen, heard, inspired, and sees a way to live completely, and exist in miraculous ways.

The framework of learning this way of loving well comes from my Mormon experience. It is by no means exclusive to it. None of my near neighbors are Mormon. And we are well loved by each other. I have been able to travel extensively recently. I see this in every culture, a great capacity and desire to love well.

We were well loved when we first moved to this area and ward 7 years ago. We were reeling from the pain of lies and betrayal from a few leaders in our last stake and ward, where we had served long and completely. Here, there were little notes expressing gratitude for comments, for sitting with active children, for being new and different, some young people thanked us for the way we sang the hymns.

When I was diagnosed again with breast cancer two years ago, and Mike’s mom passed away that same week, we were well loved when people dropped everything and showed up to sit and cry with us. 

When I had my double mastectomy a few weeks later, we had to let ourselves learn to say “yes” to the offers, during a time when we were tempted to withdraw and deal with things on our own. And we were well loved with food, and company, and people coming to take Mike on a hike to get him out of the house after weeks of caring for me. We said “yes” to people we did not expect to know and love as we learned to through this. Since then, we have been able to serve them as well, and our lives have multiplied with this love for them.

I felt well loved when I traveled to be a witness for Natasha Helfer during her membership hearing, and so many people across the Mormon spectrum sent messages, and support, and money, and prayers, and sympathy through the whole, unexpectedly traumatic experience.

I felt surprisingly well loved when I recently went to sit with another friend during her membership hearing (which she had requested), and experienced a completely different reception with caring and loving people in the room who focused on listening, ministering, and loving above all else. Above. All. Else.

In my advocacy work, I am often interacting, or aware of people saying and doing things that are harmful to many, especially the vulnerable and marginalized. This happens everywhere in society. It is hard to love well when I really want to just prove someone wrong, to see them feel as much harm as they are inflicting, to eliminate their right to exist as much as their actions eliminate space for others to exist. 

I don’t know how to find a way to make love work in that moment. 

I try to practice getting that I see through a glass darkly. We all do.

The one guide I have for seeing face to face, for letting the god in me see the god in others, is to love as God loves. Every truly inspiring scripture, experience, whispering or message that draws me to God is one of loving well, and always, even when it is messy, even impossible. Putting anything else first is a denial of the miracle of existence for someone, which is a part of everyone. That perpetuates and justifies the most harmful thing we do, as individuals, as communities, as institutions. 

I hear this from so many, that they are connected to their Mormon community through this kind of love, and it is stronger than what divides us. Even when they feel a need to create a different, less traditional path, they keep or take that kind of experience with them. 

I know of few things that have the power to draw people to each other, to gather, to belong, to forgive, to heal, to connect – greater than to be well loved. 

At this time when I mourn deeply, and experience deep concern for what may come, I am grateful for the Godlike love that comes even in the deep woundedness of life, and how being well loved leads me forward to deep healing.