My 12 year old daughter was recently called as the Secretary of her Young Women’s class. I was invited to Young Women’s that day to watch her get sustained and set apart. The bishop gave a little speech to all the girls before he did the setting apart which I would title “You are special.” I had heard similar speeches before. You probably have too (especially if you were in Young Women’s). In the speech he told the girls how important they are as Daughters of God and how special they are as young women in the ward. It was a nice little speech and I sat there remembering all the times that men have told me how special I am as a woman or girl. There’s nothing inherently wrong with the message. The issue is, however, that these speeches are needed in order to keep the patriarchy alive and well in the church. I bet readers of this blog would largely agree that if someone has to be told they’re special in an organization it’s likely because they are not being treated special. The boys know they’re special: they get the priesthood. The girls have to have regular little speeches to be told they’re special: because nothing else tells them they’re special.
I sat there imagining how I would do things differently if I were the bishop. [Note: I understand the irony that if I were Bishop this wouldn’t be a problem and that under current circumstances I will never be called to be a bishop because of my genitalia. But imagine with me for a second that I had a penis and was called as Bishop.] Here are my options:
- 1. Avoid having these cringey speeches because they’re sexist and gross.
- 2. Continue having these speeches because girls are special and need to know that.
- 3. Change the speech slightly: tell the girls that they’re special even though the entire system would say otherwise and that maybe someday the system will change.
The problems with option 1: we run the risk of the girls never knowing they are special and never developing a relationship with God, because: why would they want to develop a relationship with a God who hates you?
The problems with option two: we run the risk of the patriarchy never changing because there will be no young women growing up to change it. These recurring speeches work to blind young women to the issues and many continue living their full lives in ignorant bliss.
Option three may be the best option but I’m not sure how long I would stay Bishop if I were actively trying to mess with the patriarchal system.
Aside from imagining what I would do if I were the bishop, I also sat there wondering what I will do now as a mom of three little girls. I know I could stop going to church and many readers have chosen that option. I respect your feelings and I certainly understand where you’re coming from. But I actually love some of the doctrines of the church and don’t want to leave. The doctrines bring me a lot of peace. But I don’t want my children to feel like second class citizens. So I regularly have conversations with them where I call out the issues that I see. But I also regularly have conversations with them where I share my love of the things that bring me peace about the gospel. They are being taught the gospel while also noting not all is perfect at the institution. Is it a perfect system I figured out? Definitely not. I’m constantly unsure whether I’m doing the right thing.
What do you do? How do you teach your daughters?
I’m in the thick of this tension with a 15 year old daughter and a 12 year old son. My kids came to the conclusion the church is really struggling with gender discrimination and other issues without much input from me a few years ago. I really like how you describe having open conversations in which you are honest about how you really think and feel, both about the positive things and the things you disapprove of. In terms of both the family relationships and the kids having a chance at developping their own faith and spirituality, I think this is the best shot we have, however tenuous it is. I’m trying to do the same thing. But the differentiation and independent authority is putting me at odds with local leaders. My son keeps saying he doesn’t want to go do the sacrament because he’s opposed to the sexism. I asked a member of the bishopric if YM is a safe place to bring up discomfort with the church’s gender policies and be respected and seen for feeling that way. They didn’t reassure me, they told me my son should bring his questions and they’ll answer them– like explain the policies and try to get him on board. Parenting in which we value the relationships and our child’s wellbeing above church authority can really feel like a rogue experience. Currently have a conflict going on my bishopric over stuff with my daughter. She felt used and judged by YW leaders when she was working in an assignment to help prep a youth dance. We complained to the YW leaders, asking them to respond to her feeling frustrated and mistreated. Instead of dealing with our issue directly, the leaders set our bishop on us to discipline us. He sent us a 4,000 word treatise on why our perspective is wrong and his is and why we’re un Christ-like. Email did nothing to support my daughter or validate her feelings of being judged, disrespected and used, instead it just judged her more. Told us to meet with him. When we stand up for our girls, sometimes all the shit really hits the fan. Things get darker and we see the shadow side of leaders and our institution, a misogynistic and narcissistic side. Things with how we treat girls are deeply messed up, they are easily scapegoated and thrown under the bus. Going to keep being honest with that about my kids, and about how God is so much bigger than the wrongs and pettiness of religious leaders.
My heart is breaking for your daughter. I’m so sorry!
I’ve tried the talk about my issues and also the parts of the doctrine I love. It seems to help my daughters. We have great conversations. Who knows how they will feel in the future? Maybe they will be the change? Maybe their change will be to find a different faith community? I don’t know. But I know it will promote honestly and love and trust and acceptance of others.
Beautifully said! “I know it will promote honestly and love and trust and acceptance of others.”
I was complaining about the “you’re special” speeches given to girls and women (I had been asked to give one to girls, by a woman). He said that he also got those speeches, but it was ” you’re special because you have the priesthood”. He feels hurt that our family doesn’t use his priesthood enough. We generally don’t want blessings when we’re sick or before the start of the school year. So there’s no winning on either side here.
I opted to give a “you have a voice” talk to the girls instead.
Interesting! Thanks for sharing
If I was bishop (which would never happen because of my gender), I would create and distribute a survey to the families in my branch/ward about what they were most concerned about and request that the leadership pay attention to those concerns.
If I were bishop, I would call 1-2 additional counselors to assist the R.S. president and I would spend a ton of time talking to this individual and this group to make sure that I knew what was on the minds of the sisters.
If I was bishop, I would call an additional counselor to the YM organization with the goal of coordinating activities between the men and young men in the organization. This would take pressure off of me (as the head of the priesthood) and foster mentorships (hopefully).
In a 5th meeting Sunday, I would tell everyone there what process I will use to recruit individuals into callings and how my job is to hand off organizational power and institutional power to the individuals – how I will be returning autonomy and power to them as a priority. I would be sure to NOT have the “last say” in decisions, and turn a lot of “meetings that should have been emails and related documents” into documents.
Of course, all of these actions would get me canned:)