Exponent II
Exponent II

A feminist forum for women and gender minorities across the Mormon spectrum

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The Exponent II Blog features posts relating to Mormon feminism. We welcome posts by diverse voices. Submit a guest post to join the conversation.

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The way I felt about the new policy was the way I felt when I sat outside that locked building. I was waiting for anyone to show up and unlock the door. I had no way to contact the people I needed to contact. And if I could call them they would just brush me aside. Why was I calling? What authority did I have? Was I in charge of anything? I was just some lady out there with children who needed to use the bathroom who would rather not resort to the bushes. 
As I consider my experiences growing up fat and female in the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints my immediate reaction is a churning pit in my stomach. Sadness fills my mind with the pain that I felt throughout my life.
I've often said that the only calling in the church I would turn down is Primary chorister. Getting up and entertaining children for an extended period of time is so far outside my skill set and comfort zone that it would be miserable to me, even though I like music and I like children. This summer I've had the opportunity to put that to the test by being the go-to substitute for the Primary chorister.
I worry that sometimes (a lot of times) we act far too much like Nephi and not enough like the unnamed women who calmed the anger.
"It seems that in Latter-day Saint culture we have adopted a belief that change must only come from the highest levels of patriarchal power and never from those laboring in the fields at local levels. Somehow the idea that bottom-up advocacy is wrong has taken deep root in our cultural consciousness, making many Saints feel that voicing any concern is wholly against the rules and must inherently be spoken out of misguidance, anger, or malice. Unfortunately, this has resulted in dismissal, suspicion, and even silencing of many members' faithful inquiry, expressions of concern, and honest sharing of lived experiences. Actions and feelings based on fear of offending hierarchy or fear of ideas that originate from outside positions of power don’t seem to be compatible with Christ’s teachings or informed by his mortal ministry. We have been reminded by modern-'day prophets and leaders of the Church that, 'the scriptures teach that fear and faith cannot coexist in our hearts at the same time,' and 'to remember that fear is not of the Lord, but faith and courage are.'”
As I lost weight after surgery people treated me differently. This validated my suspicion that, in our world, a lot of women's power is in their smallness. While feeling elated about being smaller and more comfortable in my body an awareness was also growing in me at the unfairness, judgment and even exploitation my bigger self had endured.