by Laura
My husband had an affair and was disfellowshipped. Our bishop clearly cared about helping him, meeting with him regularly. The bishop “helped” me by suggesting I get counseling and then never speaking to me again during the disfellowshipment.
A year later, the church court reconvened. I was present and asked if I’d like to make a statement. I very clearly stated that my husband had not repented. Yes, he had stopped the affair and not taken the sacrament for a year. But he had never told me he was sorry for anything other than being caught. He lied in his “confession” to my parents and his. He never admitted to anyone that he had lied to them. He never once shed a tear or showed any sign of pain over the wound he had inflicted. In marriage counseling, he would promise the therapist he would do something and then forget as soon as we left the office. He would even tell me that his girlfriend was more righteous than I and the love of his life and they were meant to be together; he was just waiting for me to die so he could be with her openly and honestly.
When I was done speaking, the bishop said, “Well, your husband has complied with everything I’ve asked him to do so I am obligated to reinstate him to full fellowship.”
I was shocked! I literally screamed in pain and disbelief. I left the room and never went back to church.
Pro tip: Take women’s desires, experiences, and stories seriously. If women tell bishops that they have been mistreated, lied to, and that their spouses have not shown true repentance and restitution, take that into serious account when considering the reinstatement of spouses to fellowship in the church.
Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.
Wow, Laura, this is awful. I’m sorry that your bishop was so eager to reinstate your husband, even in the face of your testimony that he was aggressively unrepentant.
It is difficult for me to write this, but me too. My father was excommunicated for sexually abusing me. When he wanted to be rebaptised, he worked with his bishop. They only got his side of his sin, and he either lied, or didn’t comprehend that I was too young to know what sexual intercourse was the first time he took me to his bed. He never confessed to molesting my sister either. She was older when he first tried to get sexual with her, and because she understood, she resisted. He was still emotionally abusive to my mother. But his bishop decided he had repented and never bothered to confirm with any of his victims that he had or had not changed how he interacted with us. We never completed the mandatory therapy by getting my father and me together to discuss things so my father could get a grasp of the damage he caused, well, because his therapist wanted to switch jobs and he just declared therapy “over with” rather than complete the goals of therapy. My father did not do the few simple things I asked him to do as far as repentance.
But I got a letter asking me to OK his rebaptism. I wrote the letter outlining the things where I felt he had not repented. But of course, they didn’t really care about repentance and they didn’t care about restitution, and they didn’t care how his victims felt. They only cared about coddling a sinner into pretend repentance so they could feel good about themselves.
My spiritual needs were ignored. But he had once a week build up his poor self esteem meetings. My self worth didn’t matter to the church, only his. My mother was treated the same way. My younger sister was never even considered because nobody ever told my father’s church leaders that there was more than one victim. And of course, they never bothered to check.
No, us victims are just angry unforgiving sinners who are worse than our abuser because we cannot heal without help and kindness, which the church is too busy coddling the sexual predator to care about treating us with any compassion. Yeah, still angry. Because the first presidency supposedly read my letter and didn’t care.
TL;dr
Me too. The other night, I went to the mailbox and there was an envelope addressed to me in my former husband’s handwriting, but the return address was a bishop’s office. The letter was a formal request for reinstatement of priesthood and temple blessings and a sealing clearance. The letter wanted to know how I felt.
To be clear. He wasn’t excommunicated for abusing us. He was excommunicated, because he was living in sin with a woman who wasn’t a member. The report is that she is very nice, but wasn’t interested in Mormonism. He eventually married her and then he was rebaptized. He sent us a copy of his talk he delivered in Sacrament meeting after his rebaptism. In all capital letters he stated that the Stake President had said that ALL HIS SINS had been forgiven. It was news to me he’d even been excommunicated and I can tell you we never received any kind of phone call from this all knowing Stake President inquiring as to whether any kind of restitution or repentance had taken place with us.
How do I feel knowing the man that tried to kill my younger son and beat my older son will be having his sealing to his sons restored?
How do I feel knowing the man who abused me and tried to systematically destroy my personhood will have his sealing to me restored?
How do I feel knowing that the man who raped me will be sealing himself to another potential victim?
How do I feel when I have had the responsibility of being a single mother while he has taken off and been entirely free to live with a woman and enjoy her without any commitment to her and been able to travel to foreign countries and have a terrific time while I am dealing with broken pipes, and dentists? How do I feel when I told my bishop there is only one way to truly be free of abuse and not have it in your life that he then renewed my former husband’s temple recommend and had him bless the Sacrament every week until he moved out of the ward?
How do I feel knowing that I am the one who was abused and who watched my children be abused–because standing up to my abuser made him worse–who suffered financial loss and responsibility gain, who has been shunned by my ward? How do I feel as time and time again, I see my former husband getting rewarded as my children and I are simply brushed aside? How did I feel as I handed my son the letter to read about his father asking for his blessings to be restored and I see my son pass out as he’s reading the letter? I literally watch him stiffen up and every lanky inch of his nearly 7′ frame stiffen up and fall to the floor at the news his father is being rewarded by this church, again. How do I feel?
Of course, I didn’t write one single word of that in my response. I know they don’t really care and they’re just going to do what they want to do. The only reason they want to know my feelings is so they can inform my bishop who will call me into his office and browbeat (preach long-sufferingly and patiently), gaslight and mansplain to me until I either succumb or agree just to get him to stop talking and leave me alone. The bishop could call to my remembrance, Elder Holland’s talk about the Prodigal Son and remind me that every robe in the closet and every ring in the drawer is mine. However, in my case–a woman’s case–in the Celestial Kingdom, every robe in the closet and every ring in the drawer is not mine. They are my former husband’s. His to let me have access to according to his good grace and, instead of my being the sole beneficiary I will now have to share those robes and those rings.
How do I feel? I will tell you how I feel. I feel forsaken. I feel shafted. I feel completely and totally eff-ed by this church.
They do want to know. This is a letter for the SP, or Bishop, this is a letter for the First Presidency. They need to know your feelings, write the letter! If there are sins for which he has not been made accountable, then they need to be accounted for. Don’t second guess the system. Blessings restoration is in the gift of the First Presidency, I know a man who was rebaptised in 2011 and is still awaiting Blessing Restoration.
And they can’t just not send your letter. And if you think they might, send a copy to the First Presidency, so they can’t.
If the son you mention was old enough to give an account, and is old enough to make an account, have him write a letter too.
Wondering, I know you mean well. I used to believe as you do. Then I had these experiences with the church. Then i saw how events are unfolding with Mckenna and Sam.
Considering the results I’ve seen, I can reasonably predict the outcome. I may be wrong, but the treatment I’ve received is 100% consistent.
Sam Young told investigators not to join, and encouraged church members to rebel against church leaders. These are the actions of someone who doesn’t really want to be a member – at least not on the terms of what membership means.
I have no sympathy for him, he made his bed.
I do have sympathy for those affected by poor local leaders seeking to subvert the repentance process for the benefit of the unrepentant. I also believe that the GAs feel the same.
I’m going to agree to disagree. I don’t want to get drawn into long discussions of current events, because you have a point, even though I do support Sam Young. I have thought about this and I did want to assure you. Without being too specific, I did state in my letter that I had doubts about my former husband’s sincerity and worthiness and phrased it in such a way that if they felt the need to ask further questions, they could.
To further explain my reasoning, these men will look at all the reports and weigh them. I don’t think they will weigh them equally. I think the reports will be prioritized, thusly: Stake President (if he reports), Bishop, current wife (if she reports), me. My former has been rebaptized and is considered to be on the road to repentance. He lives nowhere near me or our children and so there has been no real opportunity for further abuse, at least not with us. I’m sure he abuses his current wife, whether or not she recognizes it as abuse and not just a bad day.
There are a lot of factors at play, here. What I am betting the leadership will see is that this is a man who is on the path to repentance. He does have as a right, as a man in this church, to be sealed to multiple wives. He is simply availing himself of that right. His bishop, stake president and current wife support him. The view from the decision makers in this is likely his former wife and children need to seek therapy and forgiveness. That is my honest, realistic and charitable interpretation of how things are likely to be received.
My mom, too. My dad left her for another woman, after years of psychological abuse. He got a slap in the wrist and then moved across the country. His new church leadership knows nothing. My mom lost all her callings, all her financial security, most of her friends in our ward, and all her self esteem.
My family too. My father triumphantly proclaimed to his children that the stake president was not going to hold him accountable for moving in with his high school girl friend. He was so proud. Then he proceeded to berate his daughters for not being worthy members of the church when they no longer respected him for this behaviour and other abuse.
This post is heartbreaking, as are the comments. Saying “I’m sorry” is so shallow and meaningless in the face of such incredible injustice. My heart hurts for all of you.
Mary, I am sorry for the way the church has treated you.
There is a scripture that says mercy cannot rob justice. But what I felt like was mercy for my father had robbed all justice for me. There was no mercy for me and no justice either. All there was, was mercy for the sinner. That is not how the atonement works. That is not how Jesus forgives people. The atonement does not pass out absolution to the sinner, while leaving the victim of that sin laying injured at the side of the highway. This to me sounds more like a warped version of the Good Samaritan, where when he comes across the victim of bandits laying injured at the side of the road, he runs after the bandits screaming, God forgives you, and leaves the victim to die. That was how my church treated me….now my former church.
Thank you, Anna. I’ve been told by the bishops that they were trying to help my former husband heal by showing him mercy. What my former husband saw was that he was being rewarded and that’s what my children and I saw, as well.
Ironically, this came at the time when I’ve been weighing whether or not I want to stay in this church, because of Sam Young’s excommunication. I was feeling kicked to the curb by proxy and then I got the letter in the mail and found I was being kicked to the curb in actuality. More Samaritan comparisons.
I’m going to be talking to my therapist about an exit strategy. My former church, too.
Sad that it turns out that we feel so abandoned that we decide it cannot be God’s Church.
I am sure my father’s bishop and other leaders thought they were helping him repent and get over how they imagined he felt. I suspect that his bishop thought that if he (the bishop) had raped his daughter, he would feel terrible about himself, so he worked so hard to help my father feel better about himself. But all the bishop accomplished was making him feel that it wasn’t so bad.
But he couldn’t imagine how I must feel about myself with the church teaching me I was a licked cupcake, and telling me I was worse than my father because I was unforgiving when I was trying to protect my children from a sexual predator. My bishops also couldn’t imagine how I felt, so they didn’t even realize I felt like God didn’t love me at all. So, my LDS therapist said talk to your bishop about the spiritual problems and my bishop told me I was unforgiving. Basically blamed and shoved away.
So, when I back up and look at it from my bishop’s perspective, they were just men trying to manage with problems they didn’t comprehend. But then …. Joseph Bishop and I think, no the problem is not just that good men don’t get it but that men protect men. But then again, Sam Young….and I wonder if it isnt about maintaining power, men’s power, rather than just innocent mistakes or men identifying with men, understanding other men but not women, and supporting men.
I think what you went through is terrible and you are very strong. I have certain values. Reconciling how the church has handled the cases described here, our cases, McKenna Denson, Sam Young, the victims on the Kirton-Mckonkie leaked document and I’m sure more will come to light to my core values cannot be done in a way that has the church ending up looking good, or even decent.
I can choose my core values or I can choose this church. I have thought for a long time that if these things were widely known, the church would straighten out how it handles these things. The church’s choices have made it very clear for me. I don’t like to say it, but not my church.
I can’t help but think this COULDN’T happen if men and women were truly equal in this church. Women are second class citizens and acceptable collateral damage to the leadership 🙁 so sad
There would be much, much less of it. There will always be abusive people, but equality would provide women in leadership and would provide checks and balances. Both of these things would prevent a lot of this happening.
In 1970s, the church excommunicated Sonja Johnson for wanting equality and just to make themselves clear, excommunicated Kate Kelly.