by Sara
A few weeks ago I was asked by a member of the bishopric to give a prayer. As I hesitantly agreed, he added, “Under one condition. You don’t write it down this time.” I stared at him blankly and felt anxious. I had given a prayer about a year ago and had written it down. Prior to that I have only given two other prayers during sacrament and had scribbled something down. No one had ever said anything to me. I turned to social media later that day and stated how I didn’t even know that wasn’t allowed and apologized for “offending the bishopric since I seem to be good at doing so.” I added how the last time I had pondered what I wanted to say throughout the week and wrote it down so I wouldn’t forget and in turn would help ease my anxiety over speaking in church (another post for another time). He responded that it was perfectly acceptable to ponder, but writing down a prayer would hinder the “Spirit” and only Sacrament and Temple prayers were allowed to be written. We agreed I would give the closing prayer.
As the week progressed, I felt a strong urging to write it down. I tried ignoring it to appease the counselor, but the feeling persisted. Thursday during my teacher planning, I grabbed a 3×5 card and began writing. The words were fluid. I didn’t stop until I filled the card. When I put my teacher blue pen down, I smiled. I felt at peace. I felt ready.
Sunday morning rolled around. I wore a skirt with pockets, the 3×5 card scrapping so loudly against the fabric I assumed everyone near me could hear it. No one noticed besides me. I could feel my heart beating faster with every word the 2nd speaker said to the point I heard ringing in my ears. After the sister closed her talk, the same counselor who had put conditions on my prayer walked to the pulpit, “Thank you Bro X and Sis Y. After our concluding speaker, Bro Z will give us our invocation.”
What? I thought. Something was wrong. I was told I would be giving the prayer. I had prepared all week, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I had experienced a great moment with the Holy Ghost. I finally felt prepared, that I had made progress in my years-long struggle with church. I quietly placed my 3×5 card back into my purse feeling defeated. The bishopric KNOWS I struggle, they KNOW of my anxiety surrounding church, they claim to KNOW my heart. But what they DIDN’T know is that I had strong spiritual moment. I felt that I had lost, but in a sense, they were the ones that lost. They do NOT know my heart, they do NOT understand my struggles. But this week, I KNOW my God is always with me when man is not.
UPDATE
The story did have an update this past Sunday. Friday evening, I received a message asking me to pray (by the same counselor). I replied that I had thought I was supposed to pray two weeks prior to which he apologized over and over again. I cried myself to sleep Saturday night, anxious about agreeing to pray. In a way, I feared I’d be forgotten about only to be tormented again by my fears and anxiety. When the closing hymn hit its last few notes, I walked up to the stand, my organs crammed in my throat. I was terrified I would see my Kroger Frosted Flakes again. As I reached into my pocket of my skirt and watched the congregation slowly bow their heads in sync, I froze. I felt like the counselor was watching me. I prayed, and absolutely hated what came out of my mouth. It didn’t feel right or real. It wasn’t me. I kept it short, hoping not to stumble over any words. I kept thinking, I’m a teacher by profession; I speak in front of a hundred students daily. Why was an audible prayer so difficult? The counselor caught up with me during 3rd hour and kept saying how proud he was and grateful for me facing my fears. I faked a laugh and joked that I hadn’t used “thee’s and thou’s” to which he replied, “yes you did.” I felt even more hollow. I had failed myself. I had failed the Spirit that had spoken to me in great lengths during the week to say something that wasn’t genuine in order to keep within the “Mormon mold”.
Sara wishes she could spend her days binge watching The Office, but spends most of her time playing with her son, teaching the youth of tomorrow, and making weekly batches of chocolate chip cookies
While I haven’t written a prayer down to read from the pulpit, I have written down thoughts as I have prepared to pray in sacrament meeting, I think what you did is absolutely appropriate. I am so sorry your bishopric member failed you. (As a side note, I hate using “thee” and “thou,” too, and am irked when I hear myself say those words. Others can use them, but for me, they don’t represent my relationship with Diety.)
That is awful that he asked you to give the prayer and then they announced someone else! Something like that happened to me too.
My husband and I were supposed to give the prayers in sacrament meeting. I was supposed to give the closing prayer. We ended up arriving late to church, so someone else said the opening prayer. Then, they announced (towards the beginning of sacrament meeting) that my husband would give the closing prayer. I was so upset that I cried throughout the whole meeting. I felt like they had just brushed me aside.
After church, I went up to the person who had asked me to say the prayer and asked him why they had made that change all of a sudden. He said it was because we weren’t there at the beginning of church, and so he had to call someone else to say the opening prayer.
But that doesn’t explain why they brushed me aside for the closing prayer. I know this doesn’t seem like a huge thing, but it really did upset me and made me feel devalued. I wonder whether they would have brushed me aside if I had been male.
The article should say “benediction” instead of “invocation,” since an invocation is the opening prayer. 🙂
He doesn’t know your heart if he doesn’t have the very basic understanding of anxiety. I’m so sorry your experience and (beautiful) coping strategies were minimized and maligned. All the blessings <3
Praying in public scares me to death. I have a standard prayer I give all the time. I have it memorized.
If I were your bishop, I not only would have allowed it, because of your anxiety, I would have encouraged it. I am starting to think I am an anomaly.
As far as KJV English, forget it. As I told my kids, “Use your words.” YOUR words, Not someone else’s. In Italy, we didn’t use formal language, we used familiar. To be honest, that’s where I really learned to talk to God. Hopefully we’ll move past that (and the KJV) and just talk to each other and to God.
I’d rather hear you pray that a canned selection of prepositional phrases, wherein we are granted a portion of thy spirit and to travel to our homes in safety.
I hate when leaders makes up their own rules. And I hate that we he was congratulating you he was really congratulating himself for getting you to follow his rule. Your written prayer was lovely. But it was less important to him that you connect with the Spirit than that you submit to his mortal authority.
I will not make that mistake again.
I’m just going to add my two cents and say that you are perfectly okay to write down your prayers and read them when you pray. If the leaders are not okay with that then that’s their problem, not yours. Many prayers have been written in our scriptures. Songs are a prayer of the heart and are written. We find expression of our heart’s desires in many different forms because we are a varied peoples. Writing a prayer down might not bring the spirit for *him* but if it does for *you* then do it. Don’t let anyone stand in the way of that. <3
I am so sorry that your bishopric would not allow you such a reasonable accommodation for your anxiety.