Note: This is the first in a two-part series of guest blog posts by Jennifer Thomas / David Andersen, “Confessions of a Recovering Patriarchist.” In part one, she discusses her perspective as a trans woman on the LDS Church’s recent policy changes. In part two, she will examine how patriarchy has led the Church’s leaders and many of its male members to enact and support these policies.
Jennifer Thomas is an openly bi-gender individual in her late 60s who spent most of her adult life experiencing patriarchal privilege as a devoted Church leader. She is happily married for over 45 years to her amazing wife, Mary Ann.
I was born the 5th son of a very active, multigenerational LDS family. I checked all the boxes: served a mission, married in the temple, graduated from BYU, raised up a righteous posterity who all married in the temple, and served in many leadership positions including bishop, high councilor, and stake presidency member.
About two and a half years ago, with the loving support and acceptance of my wife and family, I started attending my LDS ward as a woman. My story of how I got to that point and what happened when I reached it is interesting in its own right, but is not my focus here.
I was feeling pretty good about how my persistent willingness to show up at Church as my authentic self, had, over time, resulted in my local ward warming up to me and learning to be ok with a transgender woman worshiping in their midst.
I harbored hopes that if enough of us trans folks did the hard work of providing proximity and familiarity to our local congregations, positive change might bubble its way up to the top of the organization. Sadly, most of those hopes evaporated on August 19, 2024 with the release of updates to the General Handbook pertaining to transgender members.
I have been living with membership restrictions that were imposed on me when I came out. My temple recommend was revoked. My priesthood was suspended. I was told that I was not eligible to serve in “certain callings” (though no specificity about this was ever provided). But, I was welcomed into Relief Society, was invited to offer prayers in sacrament meeting, and was free to participate in class discussions. It wasn’t ideal, but I was pretty ok with this, and figured I was taking one for Team Trans.
These most recent handbook changes, though, made it clear that the institutional Church considers people like me to be a threat to youth, dangerous to have in restrooms, unfit to teach or lead a class discussion, and no longer welcome in Relief Society. Further, because I transitioned socially, my membership record is to be “annotated” as is done with rapists, child molesters, polygamists, and those who steal from the Church. I’m thinking the odds are not very good that there will be any more invitations to offer prayers in sacrament meeting!
The ensuing days were dark and painful as I considered how these changes would impact me and those around me. I realized that amongst all these new restrictions, the one that bothered me most was being banned from Relief Society.
From early on, my Relief Society sisters had, for the most part, been warm and encouraging. I quickly grew to appreciate and love how honest and real the sisters were with one another. They were willing to speak of hard things and to be vulnerable. They knew how to show solidarity and support through knowing nods, tender smiles, a gentle touch or a prolonged hug. Many of the sisters seemed to instinctively understand the trepidation that I was feeling by inserting myself in their midst and went out of their way to reassure me and help me feel welcomed.
It was liberating and joyful for me to be able to interact in ways I had long felt inclined but could never acceptably do as a male. In Relief Society, I could offer a sincere compliment on a sister’s cute outfit or hairdo, slide over to sit with someone who had nobody close, and make connection while listening to a sister describe something especially happy or sad. And, of course, give (and receive) hugs. Trust me, it’s not like that in Elders Quorum! And now, with the recent policy changes, this opportunity for proximity, connection, and understanding must end for me.
All across my social media feeds there is so much angst and frustration being voiced about these policy changes. Some of the most common things I see are questions such as “Why are they doing this?” and “Don’t they know how much this is hurting people?” Some are insisting that “they” (presumably the Q15, or First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve) have been told about the harm, many times and from trusted sources, but they just don’t care. In my own view, the Brethren do care about the members, even the queer ones, and they think they understand, and they believe that they are doing what God wants them to do. But, I believe that because of patriarchy, their feelings, their understanding and even their inspiration are badly distorted and getting all jumbled up.
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“But, I believe that because of patriarchy, their feelings, their understanding and even their inspiration are badly distorted and getting all jumbled up.” I think this is key. Although I am tired of repeatedly giving people the benefit of the doubt over the same (what I perceive as) wrong activity, I don’t think the leaders are acting with malice. They are usually acting out of love, in their own way. But they’re not separating their own feeling and biases, if they even recognize their biases, from “revelation.”
I heard once that Queen Elizabeth’s ideas needed to be excused somewhat because she had been taught her entire life essentially the divine right of kings–that she, as the English monarch, was literally chosen by God. So of course her views were warped and self-important because she truly believed that God put her there. And it seems that the prophets are in a similar position–because they have been put their by God, everything they do is from God and they can’t be challenged. But they have the same human foibles the rest of us have. That lack of awareness can cause so much harm.
Thank you for sharing this, Jennifer. I’m looking forward to the next installment.
Your ending (to this part) makes lot of sense. Patriarchy’s influence on our mentality is similar to how racism affected church policies early on. When a mentality is so deeply embedded in one’s surrounded culture, it takes a huge amount of concerted effort to be able to even become consciously aware of one’s subconscious, internal biases.
Jennifer / David:
Thank you for your incredible courage and creativity in living an authentic life, and for your candor in talking about it. Your perspectives are pathbreaking and vital. I’ve already shared your post with several family members, and look forward to reading the next part!
Thank you for letting me know about this blog. It’s beautifully written, extremely honest and brave. I wonder if this new policy on Trans members will eventually suffer the same fate as the last one regarding baptizing children of same sex parents. Keep being the advocate you are, and please let us know what we can do! You are most certainly changing hearts and minds.
You are so gracious. I hope you’re right. It won’t change the harm that’s been done, but I do think intentions count for something. But where do we go from here? How do we not inflict further harm on an already vulnerable group of people?
Jennifer, thank you for sharing your story and especially for sharing your recent thoughts and experience with this horrid policy change. Patriarchy is a poison that keeps inflicting it’s harm.
I was brought up to give my power over to priesthood leaders & I whole-heartedly believed that they communicated with God for my well being. Looking back, this was not a healthy dynamic and it set me up for harm. For me, the damage was done at the ward level. I believe I’ll eventually heal, but I’ll never be the same. Real spiritual damage has been done.
We’re not sitting next to each other in RS, but I want you to know that I see you and I love you as my sister. Please take care of yourself & your own precious spirit, and surround yourself only with people who see & honor your light.
I’m hesitant to comment as I don’t understand the challenge of living a life with the feeling of being born in the wrong body. But I recognize the challenge and have immense respect for what you have done through your life “following the system” and kept the commandments for which I suppose you have experienced rich blessings as we all do.
I would caution you and this audience to just reach at the conclusion that: “because of patriarchy, their feelings, their understanding and even their inspiration are badly distorted and getting all jumbled up.”
If we land on that conclusion then the value of being led by a living prophet has limited value. Yes I recognize that in hindsight certain policies that were upheld might seem wrong, f.ex the pre-1978 policies on race and the priesthood, but I believe that even when these policies were preached and with all the circumstances at that time, the Church was not under condemnation and that “The Lord will never permit me or any other man who stands as president of the Church to lead you astray.” (Wilford Woodruff).
The blog fail to mention the reason behind the transgender update/clarification that the church’s stance on biological sex being “an essential characteristic in Heavenly Father’s plan” has not changed.
Either the the principles in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” are true or not. Principles that will stand and safe guard us then in 1995 now and in the future.
“Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.” and that “the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.” We can choose to live by them as our guidelines or we can choose not to. Circumstances can make this extremely difficult to follow sometimes. However it does not change the fundamental truths about them. They are key to great blessings and happiness.
Rolf – thanks for your comment. I’m guessing that Exponent II may be a place that brings you discomfort on a regular basis, so I applaud you for being a reader.
For much of my life I was a very black and white thinker. The church is 100% true and the ONLY true church, or it’s not. Prophets can never lead us astray, because one of them, Wilford Woodruff, assured us of this. The Family Proclamation conveys bedrock and unchangeable truths. And so forth.
But as the course of life progressed and I learned so much more about complexity and diversity and history and human nature, this black and white view of the world no longer worked for me. Prophets, like all humans, are fallible. The church as an institution led by imperfect people is fallible. (President Uchtdorf assured us of this.) If this is widely acknowledged to be true, why is it that we can never be allowed to point out any specific instance of a mistake? I personally am convinced that polygamy, the priesthood ban (along with the now disavowed doctrine contrived to support it), and our extreme patriarchy are all examples of where the church has made or is making serious errors that are causing immense amounts of harm.
This does not mean that there is no value to having prophetic leadership. It does mean that we need to adjust our expectations for what it means to have such leadership. And, I think it entirely fitting and proper for those who know, love and have served this institution, to point out, respectfully, when additional mistakes are being made. I also realize that the institution does not welcome and is not receptive to those who would warn of errors being made, and that’s why platforms like Exponent II are so valuable.
Not discomfort. (I must admit I’ve not read much here, but then again it was “intended for women”, right?). I’m curious to understand especially what brings value to women and I guess we share a common concern for what is best for our world and the raising generation.
Yes we are all imperfect, also church leaders including Joseph Smith and so was Moses and others. Yet, still God was able to lead and bless them and traditions and ordinances were established to keep them close to God. This was under patriarchy. I’ve always wondered why it is like that. Why are only men ordained to priesthood.? Is it part of culture or is it God’s order? Did women find their value under patriarchy? What order and role of men and women does God recommend and will serve humankind best and bring most happiness? Women and society struggle today to find their place being torn between motherhood and career. Again a woman should feel valued and respected.
What is the role of the church in all of this? I sense a higher purpose/value that we don’t fully grasp. F.ex these words from president Nelson at last Gen conf.: “Without priesthood keys, the Church could serve only as a significant teaching and humanitarian organization but not much more”.