I think of the women – 
Some mentioned by name in the New Testament
Some remained nameless
We don’t know much
The scriptures don’t tell us enough about any women
But we know they loved Him
And they were waiting on Him
They had faith in his resurrection
But when there’s faith, there’s doubt.
Faith isn’t perfect knowledge. 
I bet they were scared
I bet they were worried
I bet they felt betrayed
Betrayed by the townspeople who ordered His death
Betrayed by the apostle who betrayed Him
Betrayed by the apostle who denied Him

In their darkest moments of doubt, they may have felt betrayed by Him –
He who loved them. 
He who taught them.
He who cared for them.
Yet He had left them

And it was Saturday –
The day in between
The day before the happy ending
The day after the sadness
The day of agony
The day of heartbreak
The day of sorrow

I think of my tiny in betweens –
Tiny, sometimes laughable now, but hard in the moment

Hard in the in betweens – 
When I got 37% on my first test in college and wondered if I would survive BYU
When I felt God nudge me to grad school, but I was rejected 
When I got pregnant with my first but lost 10 pounds from barfing and wondered why I’d ever chosen to feel this awful
When I moved my family across the country for a job that I hated in a place that I hated

I look back now on all of those –
It’s fine.
I got my grades up in undergrad
I got into grad school the next year
The baby came out and she’s worth it
I left the job I hated, got a great one in a place I love
It’s fine now.
It wasn’t fine during the in between

This week –
the instagram snafu
the instagram debacle
the instagram whatever you want to call it
The church said I’m equal on instagram
I laughed
It seemed like an April Fool’s prank
But it was March, not a joke
Everyone knows I’m not equal, right?
I’m a woman in a man’s church
How can everyone not realize this?
I wasn’t the only one confused. 

Comments flooded in.
We, as sisters, were outraged.
We love Jesus
We wait for Jesus
We have faith in Jesus
But when there’s faith, there’s doubt.
Faith isn’t perfect knowledge.
I’m scared
I’m worried
I feel betrayed
Betrayed by the members who gaslight – telling me I’m equal when I’m clearly not
Betrayed by the apostles who don’t hear our pain
Betrayed by the apostles who deny our pain
Betrayed by the female leaders who accept our pain

In my darkest moments of doubt, I feel betrayed by Jesus.
He who loves me.
He who teaches me.
He who cares for me.

But does He see me?
Or is this just an in-between? –
The Saturday of anguish?
Will Jesus see me? 
Will he heal me?
Will he believe me?
I believe he will; I believe he does