By Renny

Scrolling through my news feed Sunday afternoon, I found the following headline worthy of a click: “Utah sees Latter-day Saint slowdown and membership numbers drop in Salt Lake County” According to statistics released by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: “in 2019, 14 of [Utah’s] 29 counties saw the actual number of members decline. The most significant drop came in Salt Lake County, which saw the roster of Latter-day Saints fall by 6,710 even as the state’s largest county grew by 10,000 people.” The article goes on to list one of the reasons for the decline in membership as “a rise in resignations among disaffected and largely inactive members.”

This is particularly relevant to me, as I live in Salt Lake County and, while I have not officially left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I have been making conscious choices over the past four years to distance myself from the church I once loved and to which I have devoted my life. I no longer attend Relief Society or Sunday School. I don’t do callings or ministering or activities (unless it’s a family thing that my husband and kids wish to attend), nor do I do worthiness interviews, tithing, tithing settlement, or dry-pack canning. I’ve stopped wearing garments, and I no longer aspire to a temple recommend. I drink coffee and caffeinated teas (not alcohol, but my reasons for abstaining are not religious). I sometimes wear shoulder-baring tops and above-the-knee skirts, even to sacrament meeting (when I attend, which is an average of twice a month). I even removed my name from the Primary substitute list. Each of the above was a deliberate choice that was carefully weighed in my mind and heart beforehand. I have no immediate plans to quit attending altogether, nor to officially remove my name from the rolls of the church. However I acknowledge that’s probably where things are headed.

Prior to the beginning of my still-in-progress faith transition, I had the experience of watching several people who were close to me leave the church or become inactive. I clearly remember all the feelings of sadness and confusion and incomprehension that are natural for a fully-committed and firmly-believing Latter-day Saint to feel when this happens. Now I am—for all intents and purposes—on my way out, and I recognize that my choices may be contributing to others’ feelings of sadness, confusion, and incomprehension.

All of this is to say that I have been on “both sides:” I have been the one watching someone leave, and now I am the one leaving. So I have some understanding of how people on both sides of this issue may feel. And not only have I been on both sides, but I have also made many mistakes on both sides. But I also believe that we can all learn from our mistakes, and use our experiences to help others avoid the same pitfalls. To that end, I have written a “What not to do” guide for my fellow LDS citizens of Salt Lake County—and for Latter-day Saints everywhere—who are watching loved ones leave the church. I present to you:

The Top Three Things You Should NOT Do When Someone You Care About Leaves the Church

1. Do NOT assume that your loved one left the church because he or she was deceived by Satan. Of course I can’t control what’s going on in your head. But certainly do NOT tell your loved one that they have been deceived by Satan. Also—and this is very important—DO NOT IMPLY in any way that they have been deceived by Satan. This should be obvious. I mean, it’s the Golden Rule 101. You wouldn’t like it if someone said or implied that you have been deceived by Satan because you believe in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, so you shouldn’t say or imply that to somebody else because they don’t believe. It’s highly insulting when someone suggests that the Devil has pulled the wool over your eyes. If you wouldn’t appreciate Satan being blamed for your sincerely-held beliefs, then you shouldn’t blame him for somebody else’s.

2. Do NOT ask why someone leaves the church (unless you really want to know). One thing I tell my kids is “Don’t ask a question if you don’t want to hear the answer.” In other words, don’t ask a question just so you can pick a fight or start a debate with the other person. In that same spirit, do NOT ask why someone has left the church or is no longer active unless you REALLY want to know the answer. Don’t initiate a conversation with your now-agnostic friend about the “why?” if your intent is to attempt to answer all of their questions and resolve all of their concerns about the church and convince them to come back. I can almost guarantee you that it will not work. And, if you try this, you run a very real risk of losing that person’s friendship for good. Even—perhaps especially—among family members, it’s often best not to talk about it. Period. With any luck, religion was not the ONLY thing you had in common with that person, so there will be other topics of conversation.

3. Do NOT say “I still love you.” If you love the person who has left the church or who has become less active, then you can certainly tell them that. The phrase “I love you” can be powerful, beautiful, and healing. BUT, whatever you do, do NOT add that “still.” Take it from me—that “still” hurts like hell. If you’ve never been on the receiving end of an “I still love you” like that, then you may not understand WHY it hurts so much. And if you have, then I don’t need to explain it. It’s one of those things that is very hard to put into words.

At some point I might want to write a follow-up to this post detailing what you CAN do when someone you care about leaves the church. But I’m not at all sure what I would say. Until then, feel free to leave your own suggestions—both what to do and what NOT to do—in the comments.

Renny is an aspiring writer, PTA mom, and English teacher. She has lived in Oregon, France, and New York, and currently resides in Utah.