I am a woman. I love my femininity. I love my woman body and am thankful for it. I am humbled and stand in reverent awe at the wonder of creating human children, giving birth to them, and breast feeding them. I love that I am my own individual. I love that I am a creator of music. I love that I am connected to many different and wonderful people. I love the joy that comes from being in nature, that comes from running and playing sports, that comes from using my mind.
I am a daughter of Jeff and Juanita. Some of the things I know deeply about myself stem from their nurture and presence in my life. Some from my dad. Some from my mom. Spending time, a LOT of time with them was water and food to a growing seedling. I looked to them for strength, for understanding, for safety, for love. And I found it.
I have a close relationship with my dad. When I am with him, I remember the water and food from my seedling years. I remember my mind is strong, that spending time in nature is a way to connect with the Divine, that my voice matters.
My mom died 17 years ago. As time passes since April 21st, 2005, I fear I will lose my mom. I fear I will forget her penetrating hugs, her voice as she sang me the lullaby, “I’m the One Who Writes my Own Story,” how whole I felt when in her presence.
And so I pause. I imagine her hugging me. I occasionally talk things out with her while on a hike and no one can hear me. I rack my mind for the memories I know I have, somewhere. I listen for her voice somewhere in my heart or my mind. I wonder what she would do, what she would say. I look in the mirror and try to see her in me, and I in her. I spend time creatively with her. Because she is not here.
And it feeds my soul.
I love my Heavenly Father. I love talking with Him while I do yoga and go on walks. I love how I feel about myself as I learn about His character and His love. As I read beautiful scripture about His nature, His mercy, His strength, I learn about myself, about my potential, about my divinity. This is food and water.
And still, at times, I thirst and hunger for Something else, for Someone else. My Heavenly Mother? And so I pause. I meditate. I wonder what it means to also be connected to a Divine being that is female. I look in the mirror and see feminine body parts and contemplate that a Goddess has those same parts. I feel confident, I feel humility, I feel gratitude, inhabiting a female body, like Someone else. I ask myself, “What must have it felt like to be in Her presence as a spiritual seedling? What was Her food? What was Her water?” I walk by the river, and hear the music and wonder if she taught me the love of music? Of creativity? What did she teach me? I don’t demand answers. What I want is a quiet and personal connection, an understanding of who I am, and Whose I am. A divine validation. I creatively imagine and ponder what our relationship might have been, what it may be in the future, and what it can be. Now.
And it feeds my soul.
7 Responses
Such a tender analogy. We need our Mothers. And I love that song from Carol Lynn Pearson! Perfect lullaby!
Let’s collect these powerful stories and send them with a request to the first presidency with a million signatures asking them to pray for us?
I felt longingly for this connection as I read your beautiful words.
A beautifully poetic tribute to your life as a beloved daughter and woman. Your exploration of divinity feels like scripture to me. Thanks for sharing.
This is beautiful! I love that you aren’t insisting on one single answer or interpretation but inviting openness. “What I want is a quiet and personal connection, an understanding of who I am and Whose I am. A divine validation.”
I loved this post. It made me think of an experience I had. I have struggled to feel close to Heavenly Mother. But one time I was having a very hard time accessing any grace in my life. I had so much anger. I needed forgiveness for others. My prayers hadn’t been helping, so I prayed specifically that Heavenly Mother would reach out to me and help me in the dark place that I was in. All I can say is that she did. There was an energy and a new perspective that came into my life that was distinct and new. The longing for Heavenly Mother is real. We need to feel in touch with her love and wisdom and her way of doing things in particular.
How could this desire and our desires as women to talk about it together ever be bad? When my husband was on the high council, the stake president told the men to shut down any talks of heavenly mother or discussion about heavenly mother. It is so interesting how this is threatening to the men.