It’s the time of year when Facebook and Instagram are full of pictures of smiling children dressed in their Sunday best. The captions say things like, “My kids did so well in the Primary Program.” “I was so happy to hear their testimonies.” Or “I always cry when I hear my children sing the primary songs.”

I’m genuinely happy to see these posts. I’m glad that many parents and children enjoy the Primary Program. If you are one of those families – great! I’m happy for you, but this post is not for you.

I want to talk to the parents who have children who struggle with the Primary Program. I want you to know you are not alone. I want you to know that the Primary Program is optional. You can politely opt out of it.

This is my story. My four children don’t love to perform on cue. They do many amazing things. The catch is that they only do them when they want to do them, not when they are mandated. That means the Primary Program was never something they loved.  

There were also some other issues at play.

• My twin girls were often separated by well meaning leaders – this led to some major twin separation anxiety on display during the program. 

• My son is on the autism spectrum. He staged multiple escape attempts during many Primary Programs – and was successful at least once. 

• My youngest daughter had a panic attack on the stand at age six. Several years later she was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I look back on that Primary Program as one of the first instances of her anxiety showing up.

Even though I knew that my children had a difficult time with the Primary program, I used to feel like it was mandatory. I made them participate. I remembered to talk to Primary leaders about rearranging the seating chart if the twins weren’t together. Special helpers were called to manage my son and we came up with plans for where my son could sit so that he couldn’t get off the stand easily. I made my daughter participate even though she hadn’t done anything but glower during her first program as a Sunbeam. 

The annual Primary Program was a rite of passage. My kids couldn’t miss that. 

Or could they?

The 2019 Primary Program had been the one where my youngest had a panic attack when it was her time to say her part. She’d hyperventilated into the microphone and then ran off to the side crying. One of her older sisters comforted her as all the children sang “I’m trying to be like Jesus.” It was a really sweet moment that lots of people commented on. But as I reflected on it later I realized it was kind of crazy that I just let all that play out in front of me. Why hadn’t I got up and taken my crying six year old off the stand? Why did I feel like she had to stay up there?

Was the Primary Program really so important that I couldn’t take my children out of it even if they were having a bad time?

A year later COVID had shut everything down and so many things that had seemed important had changed; The temples were closed. Sacrament Meeting had been canceled for months and was only just getting started again every other week. The Primary activities were barely happening. 

I realized that there probably wouldn’t be a Primary Program that year. I was surprised that I felt relief. I wouldn’t have to worry about my twins pouting over being separated. I wouldn’t have to figure out how to keep my son on the stand. And most of all, I wouldn’t have to worry about my daughter having a panic attack during the program. 

My ward tried to put together some sort of video program. The leaders asked parents to send in videos of their children and someone put it together into a video. It sounded cute, but I wanted a break from the pressures of the program – even in video form. I never sent in any videos and my family never watched the final result.

The next year things were sort of back to normal and the children would be able to have a real Primary Program again. I was contacted by one of the leaders about having my children answer some questions that would be written into their part for the program. 

I sent her this email. Part of if said, “COVID taught me that many good things are also optional. And for our family that means the primary program is optional.”

I’d braced for needing to justify my reasoning, so her reply back was a relief. She said, “Their choices are perfectly fine and we will honor them.”

That year was the last year my twins were in Primary. They participated in the Primary Program while my son and daughter sat on the bench. Everyone was happy with that.

That was the last year any of my children participated in the Primary Program. The twins moved up to Young Women. My son and daughter never wanted to participate again. The primary leaders were always understanding.

This year is my youngest daughter’s last year of Primary. I’m happy to say that she has come along way in managing her anxiety. She went to therapy for about 18 months and is much more confident in many areas of her life. She’s even in a theater class and is excited about an upcoming audition for the play she will do with her class. However, she’s not interested in doing the Primary Program. 

The primary leaders know that she does not like to participate. I was still touched that one of them reached out this year. Here’s our brief exchange.

I think my favorite thing is that no one has ever demanded that my children participate in the Primary Program. They have been just fine with my kids opting out.

If you are a parent of children who struggle with the program I want you to know that you are not alone. Your children don’t have to participate in the program. They can opt out. They will still be loved and appreciated.

And really, isn’t love and appreciation what we are all looking for at church anyway?