As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I begin my work with couples by having them sign what I term a “Limited Secrets Policy.” I explain that if at any time during my work with the couple I happen to be communicating with them individually- whether that’s over the phone, text, email, or an individual session- and they disclose a big enough secret that their partner is unaware of (ie. an affair, a secret bank account, etc…), we will need to address it. Either the secret is required to be brought up during the next couples session or I will discontinue couples therapy.
I make this clear one- because I’ve been burned before, and two- because holding a secret that 2 people know and 1 person does not can be detrimental to the therapeutic process and lead to feelings of betrayal.
I have found over my years of being a therapist that secrets can do significant damage in relationships, both for the person holding the secret and the person in the dark. Secrets, by nature, imply a lack of trust in the other person or a fear regarding potential consequences should the secret be revealed. They create a burden for the secret holder, often using more energy and effort than being able to tell the truth, and they impact the relationship for the person in the dark, even if they aren’t aware a secret exists.
I see the same problematic dynamics play out in certain areas of the church where members are told to keep ceremonies secret. Or when leaders are encouraged (forced?) to hold information such as various historical facts or church operations secret thereby keeping that information inaccesible from the average member. Though church leaders have warned members over the years about the dangers of “secret combinations,” there seems to be a tendency within the church to lean into secret-keeping.
But what if it’s sacred?
Sometimes the church will require a secret under the guise of information being too “sacred” to share. While it makes sense to me that there is a time and a place for certain information, I wonder if this is too often used as a measure of control- whether that’s control over the information or the church member. It also comes down to trust- does the church trust its members enough to allow them to share their own sacred experiences when they feel it’s appropriate to do so? From what I’ve seen, the answer would be no.
Ultimately, I wonder how sacred an experience can be when a person doesn’t have autonomy over the memory of it?
An easy example of the harm secrets can cause plays out in the sharing of temple names. Women share their temple names with their husbands before marriage while men do not. This happens in the very first ceremony a soon-to-be-sealed couple takes part in, thereby beginning their marriage on a secret that is held by and tied to the church. The church knows the man’s name and the man knows the man’s name, but the woman does not, creating an unhealthy 2-1 dynamic. And like couples therapy, that 2-1 dynamic can create feelings of betrayal in the party that is left out and put added burden on the party that is in the know.
So why does the church require these secrets?
One theory is called Costly Signalling. This theory proposes the idea that people within a group need ways to convey their “status” or commitment to one another and to people outside of the group. Requiring secrets, on some level, measures a person’s willingness to comply with the church’s expectations and requirements. The more secrets a person holds for the church, the more that person is committed to church. So by giving each member a temple name and then requiring secrecy regarding that temple name, the church is able to create commitment and status.
But the problem lies in the imbalance between the in-group and out-group. In the 2-1 dynamic created between men and women regarding their temple names, men are placed closer to the middle of the “in-group” and women are a step removed. This harms both men and women because men are burdened with a secret they may not even want to keep and women are left in the dark. Their marriage is stuck with the church right in the middle, governing whether this secret is allowed to be shared.
The temple name example is easy to point to when talking about the potential harms secrets can cause, but it’s not the only one. Many other secrets in other areas of the church cause significant harm to members, whether they are burdened with the secrets or in the dark. I wish the church would “teach correct principles and let them govern themselves”- even, or especially, in areas of more sacredness. Such sacred experiences should be up to the experiencer to share or not share.
Whether it involves information or sacredness, the church does a disservice to its members by requiring secrecy. The sacred environments provided by the church can be healthy and fulfilling, but the secrets are not.
3 Responses
The secret keeping has bothered me since my wedding day almost 30 years ago! Of course, I was ill prepared for what to expect on my wedding day, although I had been endowed for more than 5 years when we were married. But I knew there was something about going through a veil, and I just imagined that we did that together, and as a part of process that would indicate our commitment, we would share our secret names with each other. I had no idea that I would never learn my husband’s secret name, and that he was already on the other side and didn’t need me to get there. Out of spite (not for my husband, but the practice), I have never asked my husband what his name is, although he would surely tell me, because ours is not a marriage of secrets. But that experience combined with the reading of D&C 132 and knowing Joseph Smith hid polygamous marriages from Emma has always troubled me and caused serious trauma and trust issues. I more recently developed a testimony of my own that my purpose is equal to my husband’s – although this is certainly not recognized by the church, I have felt assurance from God that it is so. I have literally never met another woman that was bothered by this, or even noticed. Thank you for your blog today, I feel so SEEN!
Recently I was reading Matt Harris’s book Second Class Saints, and was reminded that the idea of “keeping stories faith promoting” is the church code for white washing our history and covering up incorrect doctrine and lies told by previous leaders. It is disappointing.
If secrets are harmful to marriage, what does it say about us that temple marriage puts a secret between us on our wedding day? The temple requires my husband to keep his temple name a secret from me, but also required me to divulge my name to him.
What makes it harder for me is that my father in law and brothers in law all know my husband’s temple name because they were with him the day he was endowed. But I am not allowed to know it. Do I dare google it and then keep it a secret from him that I know his secret name? That doesn’t sound healthy, adding yet another secret between spouses. But at the same time, if I ever asked him to tell me his temple name, he would get angry because I would be asking him to break a church rule. So much confusion and heartache in this topic.
I feel like this is something that very rarely gets talked about! My got married in 2022 amd my wedding day was the worst day of my life. I don’t regret marrying my husband, but being sealed was such a traumatic experience.
Before getting married, I really wanted to make sure I wasn’t blindsided by the sealing ceremony so I attended the temple to make sure I knew exactly what was going to happen when I got married. I hated the preside stuff but I reconciled by saying that I don’t covenant to not preside so I can be one with it. I had also been told by other people that women only gave their names to their husbands if they were getting endowed the same day as their sealing (kind of like how family members can be the one baptizing when doing baptisms) so I honestly didn’t think it was required.
I was already stressed out in general but then they started talking about what they called the “abbreviated veil” and immediately knew that they would expect me to do it. I then had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. Something broke in me that day that made me think “is this really what I am trying so hard to be worthy for?”.
I finally ended up going through with it anyways because I didn’t think I had any other options and I knew my entire family was waiting for me in the sealing room.
My relationship with the church has never been the same since then. I’m still dealing with residual “little t” trauma from what should have been the happiest day of my life. My temple recommend just expired a few months ago and it has been so freeing to decide not to renew it.