A few months ago I posted about how important it is that parents teach their kids that they will accept them no matter what their sexual and gender identification is. You can read that post here: https://exponentii.org/blog/do-your-kids-know-youll-accept-them/. I hope that you create atmospheres in your home where your kids know you’ll accept them no matter what their sexual or gender identity is.
Since it’s pride month, I thought I’d share a couple conversations I’ve had with my kids over the past few months or year or so that have me thinking deeper about how my kids may or may not be feeling accepted in different parts of their lives. Note that these conversations are to the best of my memory and my be slightly off. But each left me with feels that I thought I’d document.
Convo with my kid who was then 12 years old:
Me: Did you know that gay marriage wasn’t legal across the country when you were little?
12 year old: Wait, what?
Me: When you were born, a woman was not legally allowed to marry a woman and a man was not legally allowed to marry a man.
12 year old: Seriously?
Me: Yes, seriously. It wasn’t until you were three that it became legal across the country.
12 year old: WHY?
It is so obvious to my kid that the “right” thing is to allow people to marry those they love. It’s absolutely absurd to her that it was ever illegal. I wish it never had been illegal. But I love that we’re raising a new generation who will fight for the rights of marginalized groups. I hope that my daughter never stops asking “why?” when it comes to inequality.
Convo with the same kid:
12 year old: The fireside was kind of weird today.
Me: How so?
12 year old: He just kept talking about how gender is like something we have forever and we really need to really think about how our gender is forever and that we’re special because of our gender.
Me: Huh. What do you think the point of it was?
12 year old: I have no idea at all.
Me: I’m guessing they were trying to say that transgender people are making a choice and that it’s a wrong choice.
12 year old: Yes! I think that’s what they were trying to say. But I don’t get it.
Me: I don’t get it either. If this person actually believes that being transgender is immoral, what purpose does talking about it in front of teenagers have? If one of you is transgender, all he’s doing is sending a message that he doesn’t love you and you are likely to feel depressed, not change your mind about your gender. Shouldn’t we be sending messages of love instead?
Seriously, what is the purpose of topics like this at church? It feels like we need to help leaders realize that ACCEPTANCE and LOVE are needed. Whatever your religious beliefs, if you believe in supporting youth and improving their mental health and reducing suicide rates, then show acceptance and love. Otherwise you’re going to worsen the mental health crisis and increase suicide rates.
9 year old was preparing for her Oregon Battle of the Books competition and we were going over who, from her list, had read each of the books. One of the books The List of Things that Will Not Change by Rebecca Stead is about a kid whose parents got divorced before the book started and her dad gets engaged to be married to another man during the book. The book deals with family changes and what it’s like for her to be learning to get along with a stepsister and all the things that come with welcoming a new step parent into your life. It normalizes gay marriage in a very refreshing way while also showing that family changes can be hard for a kid. Convo about that book on the list:
9 year old: [friend name] said her mom won’t let her read this book.
Me: Why not?
9 year old: [friend name] says her mom says it’s inappropriate.
Me: Why?
9 year old: I think it’s because the dad is marrying another dad.
I don’t remember what I said to my kid at the time. I just know that I can’t figure out any logical reason to call this book inappropriate. And it breaks my heart that a parent would be so against a book like this. What if my daughter’s friend is queer or realizes she is in the coming years? She is already internalizing a message that her parents don’t approve. I can’t imagine how hard that would be for her. And even if she doesn’t ever identify as LGBTQIA+, she’s being taught to judge others and not approve of entire family systems. That’s harsh! And, even if you believe gay marriage is a sin (which I believe there’s much more room for love in God’s kingdom, but that’s beside the point), are you actually not interested in learning how to be empathetic to a kid who is going through family changes and experiencing those emotions? [Note: Though I wouldn’t be surprised if Mormon families are banning this book, the friend my daughter was talking about is not Mormon, her family participates in another Christian religion.]
I feel like these conversations show that while some things are improving (I love that my kid was shocked that gay marriage was only recently legalized), other things aren’t improving fast enough.
What conversations are you having with your kids? How are things changing for the better? How are things still stagnant?
My son is only a toddler, but I’ve tried to have conversations with him about different types of families, read positive children’s books to him about LGBTQIA+ people, and make sure he meets my friends who aren’t cisgender and heterosexual like his parents are. It’s really challenging, especially because homosexuality is illegal in the country where we currently live and 2/3 of the countries he’s lived in haven’t legalized same-sex marriage. We want him to be safe, and a big part of that is making sure he knows that our home will always be a safe place no matter where we live.
That does sound difficult, but your words are so beautiful, “We want him to be safe, and a big part of that is making sure he knows that our home will always be a safe place no matter where we live.”
❤️❤️❤️
My family was at an aquarium in 2021 and my 9-year-old read a sign about clownfish – they are all born as male, and only some turn into female. She said to me, “Huh. Clownfish are trans.” And walked away to the next thing. It didn’t phase her a bit. I loved that.
I love that, too. If only adults could normalize being trans (rather than the constant lawsuits and fights I constantly see in the news aimed to discriminate against trans youth)