Christmas is ruined for me. Year after year, I spend countless hours trying to do it right, only to disappoint people and to leave myself exhausted in the process. December becomes progressively more and more stressful, and toward the end, the stress compounds hourly.
Expectations flood in from every side. Traditions demand to be kept. The kids want all the things that have ever been done in the past. Any one thing I can associate with happy memories and think, ‘no, we can’t get rid of that’. But all together, there are many straws breaking the camel’s back. By late December I can’t breathe. I can’t sleep. Hours after opening presents, I am hit with a massive cold or some other virus. My body just gives out.
I like to sing Christmas carols. But many are bittersweet since my faith transition. Listening to Christmas music I sometimes wonder if it is worth passing on to my children. The lyrics of many songs are old fashioned and even weird. We play them almost daily, until we are sick of them. We play them when we wash dishes, and when we drive around looking at Christmas lights. We sing them, some children competing with others. One daughter is always racing through the 12 days of Christmas, to finish the verse before everyone else (no matter that I remind her the song is not meant to be sung as a round).
The kids always want to make treats. Especially at Christmastime. But it ends up being multiple times a week they need some supervision baking, and I am always the ingredient brain. I must know everything in the house at all times, even if someone else uses things up. And I must run out and buy anything they need. They want to make sugar cookies (the dessert from hell), the dough inevitably sticks everywhere and the shapes never look like they are supposed to. Then you ALSO have to make frosting and decorate them. They always look like someone finger painted with sugar. Then I am almost apologetic when the kids take plates to the neighbors. I myself gave up neighbor gifts a few years ago, trying to carve out sanity for myself.
The lights must be hung outside, off the edge of the roof. Even though my husband fell off the roof one year and broke his foot. Since then he sends the kids up there to do it, and my heart stops. The secondhand fake tree gets pulled out from the garage and all the old mismatched ornaments are hung. There is always at least one string of lights that doesn’t work, and hours are spent trying to find out which bulb went out and spoiled the whole string. Some kids want to cut snowflakes, some kids want to print Christmas pictures and color them or make Christmas crafts or ornaments for the tree. Some kids want to make gifts for their teachers.
Service opportunities abound at Christmastime, and there is a lot of pressure to remember the “true meaning of Christmas”. We contribute to the school food drive, and sometimes give ‘Angel tree’ gifts. We shovel walks for neighbors. We do secret service.
Christmas stories are pulled out of the box, and we retell old favorites. Many old copies of the nativity story are laid out alongside the toy nativity set. It is weird remembering how central this used to be to Christmas for me. I don’t always know how it fits now after my faith transition, but there it is. My grandfather was in town from thousands of miles away and he read to my children the nativity story from an anthology on our shelf.
This year instead of acting out the nativity, as I always did as a child, and my children used to do, the kids did a play of “The Grinch”. Perhaps a new tradition? But it made them happy to have us sit and watch them, and while they were preparing it bought us an hour to wrap.
Perhaps the most overwhelming of expectations I feel each December is the expectation of gifts. We are always on a limited budget and I want the kids to be surprised and happy on Christmas morning. It is so difficult to stretch my budget and find something each of them will love. At our house we do stockings full of small gifts (often things the kids need), and big gifts under the tree for every child, keeping in mind the likes and dislikes of each. I agonize over which gifts I am willing to bring into my home, knowing it will cost money AND clutter my living space. I have to balance that with the potential joy quotient of each gift for each child. Sometimes I hit the mark. Sometimes they end up disappointed.
Family obligations at Christmastime can be a big dinner, a party, a gift exchange, etc. I opted out of the family gift exchange last year and it made a lot of people grumpy. It disappointed people. My own daughter suddenly and unexpectedly left home last month, and we barely saw her over Christmas. Now I feel the weight of separation and the unmet expectation of family togetherness.
It’s funny how culturally, we have all these expectations coming at us from every side. Women especially feel like they are responsible to do all the things. Whenever we try to set boundaries or let things go, it has a steep cost because it disappoints people who want our free labor. Who expect and feel entitled to it.
I collapse after Christmas. This year hours after presents were opened, I felt a huge sore throat coming on. My sister’s family of 9 was over, and I was feeding them dinner. They didn’t stay late. I went to bed at the earliest possibility and am still fighting something. It doesn’t help that 2 of my children have birthdays in the week after Christmas. And I am also the birthday elf. I have started delegating some of the birthday magic, but I am already so empty, it doesn’t feel like its helps.
Every year I tell myself “Next year will be different!” I want to escape. I don’t want responsibility for any of the things. But by the time December rolls around again, I realize I am too weak to disappoint everyone so completely. And I become the Christmas martyr all over again. I hate it. I feel like a Grinch, like my heart is several sizes too small. But I am not coward enough to steal everyone’s Christmas and dump it from the top of a mountain. I don’t have enough faith in my family that they will still sing with joy when ‘no Christmas is coming’.
I wish Santa Claus would really come and magically fill everyone’s wish list. I would like to have a present under the tree for me. I would like someone else to take over all the things and make Christmas magical. I have used up all my magic. I just want to fly away and read on a beach for a week. Preferably on a hammock in the shade. With no kids, no husband, no relatives, and no expectations. Why do I feel such mixed feelings? Loving most of the things individually, but hating them all together.
Have you managed to reclaim Christmas? Found a way to fill your bucket and make it joyous? Have you disappointed a lot of people to save yourself? Tell me your secrets, sisters.
26 Responses
I totally get where you are coming from and have felt similarly (albeit less extreme/intensely—it helps that my husband does a lot of the gift-related stuff because he’s good at and enjoys it) the last several years. I hate to give unsolicited advice but I guess you solicited advice. One thing you might consider is that Christmas also coincides with short days and short days can trigger seasonal affective disorder in people. So on top of dealing with a lot of things that would stress anyone out at any time of the year, you may be dealing with a physiological response to darkness and seasonal depression. There are some simple ways to treat (like light therapy) and some people also go on medication during the winter.
Other than that, of course there is always “simplify” but I’m sure you have already heard that and it’s difficult when your children have beloved traditions. I have tried to take a look at the traditions my kids care about versus the ones I was hanging onto myself, and gotten rid of the ones people didn’t care about and simplified the ones they did.
This year I felt a little resentful of the constant pressure to focus on Jesus and helping others this Christmas. I try to focus on Jesus and helping others all year. It’s not as though Christmas is the only time I do. So while for my kids I think it’s good to help them remember Christmas isn’t just about them, I tried to ease the pressure off of myself this year.
Yes, I do experience SAD and I have a light box. I am unsure whether it is helpful. It is difficult to sit down for enough time each morning while caring for my family (sit close to the light for 30-60 minutes a morning!). Do you use one? Do you find it helpful?
Do you feel like by simplifying you managed to have a Christmas that nourished you? I am curious whether that is possible, or if the goal should just be ‘less depleted’.
On the light box, I found that a portable light that was full spectrum that I could move to where I was working was so much better than trying to find time to sit under lights. So, I was not getting as strong of dose of light for a short time, but I was getting full spectrum light in weaker doses for more hours a day. Mine is a reading light with a flexible head, so I can position the light to shine where I am cooking or writing the Christmas letter or helping the kids with their projects. (Or retire and move south was our eventual solution)
there are a few things that I feel really do nourish me at Christmas. For me, it’s seeing A Christmas Carol, singing Christmas songs & listening to Christmas music, and (even though it’s a pain) doing some things with family and friends. I think the advice below to sit and really think about the parts that drain you and the parts that nourish you and see if you can cut some of the former and make sure to make time for the latter. As for the light box, hard to say whether that helps; to be perfectly honest I ended up going on meds this time around because last winter was SO awful for me.
Been there, done that – raising 10 children. I remember telling my husband, “You expect so much.” And he said, No YOU expect so much.”
I protested, but then thought about it and decided it really was my decision. I cut back and found out I wasn’t that important to everyone’s wonderful Christmas. Sure, there were disappointments, but it was all good.
And I learned to be careful with traditions – planned an exit before I started. You have to refill the pitcher to continue to give. Hang in there.
Sugar cookies are the absolute worst! One of the all time greatest things a visiting teacher did for me was bring over home made, un frosted sugar cookies with frosting bags and sprinkles ready to be applied.
Brilliant! If I am ever assigned a mom with kids at home again I am so going to remember that idea.
I think it’s good you’re reflecting on all of this at this time of year. I don’t know if you meditate, but I would highly suggest it. I would also suggest you just kind of have a sense of fascination (no judging, no shaming, just fascination) about this for a month or two and see what comes up for you–both in terms of trauma and ideas for ways to simplify.
Have some honest conversations with you spouse and children in the Spring. Perhaps you want your Christmas to be more about peace and a way to do that is to slow down and scale back.
You’ve already gotten some great ideas about light boxes and cookies with decorating kits. I would add that I restricted social media. It really is difficult to do an entire fast, because my family communicates with one another through the message services in the social media apps. So, I let them know what was going on and only checked for messages every few days. It really did feel much more peaceful without the constant barrage of chatter from friends and advertisers.
I feel like I wrote this, every day for all of December, screaming it into my pillow, complaining to my husband, whining wherever and whenever I could about how much I hate Christmas. It’s the same every year – I just really relate to the Grinch. And Charlie Brown. Not quite Ebeneezer Scrooge, but almost. It’s terrible. And I have REALLY, REALLY pared down Christmas. And I delegate a lot to my husband. But the cultural expectation of wonder and magic for children still weighs heavily on me. I am always constantly on the verge of telling them Santa doesn’t exist – the belief that they can just ask for something and it will show up on Christmas morning is the most awful tradition EVER! I hate the whole thing. So I was going to offer some kind of advice, because I have tried some things that do work, that have helped, so it is not as bad as it could be. But the core of what I really have to offer is compassion and understanding and empathy.
I will say, though, that our best Christmases are the ones when we travel – not to see family, but on vacation, just our immediate family. We pack along a mini 18″ Christmas tree that folds up. Santa brings only what will fit in a stocking, which we also pack. (There is still the stress of buying stuffers, but that is it.) No other decorations. No expectations. Almost no traditions. The big gift is the vacation itself – beach, hikes, some new experience. Simple, SUNNY (SAD sufferer here), fun, relaxing, and we do it on a budget. I can’t say enough how much I recommend such a Christmas. Draw a boundary with the extended family that you will be AWOL and just do it.
Someone did say above to sit down in the spring to map out an ideal Christmas. This sounds like PERFECT advice. After the sun is shining again, when Christmas stress is totally gone, when your head is clear, decide then and there what works and doesn’t work for Christmas, and post that list in November and treat it like scripture. We have done that before, and it is a wonderful help. I give that advice FIVE STARS.
I hope you feel better soon. I am sorry that you are struggling as you are. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, knowing first hand how awful it is.
Feeling this way is so hard. I gave my kids a choice of 3 of their favorite traditions and said they could pick 1. Turns out going downtown to see Christmas lights and decorating cookies weren’t that important to them. They owned their choice, we did less, and I still got sick.
Oh, I did want to recommend some irreverent Christmas music! I spent much of this December head-banging to Twisted Sister’s “Twisted Christmas” album, and it did me a WORLD of good! Really!
I relate to this, C. It’s too much. It’s exhausting. Sometimes I wonder when we do so much for our kids that we’re setting them up for adulthoods with these kinds of expectations, too….
In addition to your light box, you might like one of those awesome sunrise alarm clocks that wakes you up with gradual light, then birds chirping. Makes waking up on dark days feel better for some.
Maybe tubes of pre-made sugar cookie dough and when it’s gone, it’s gone?
I hate that I’m giving such superficial advice when the root of the issue is more of a Motherhood depletion problem. I don’t know what to do about that, except maybe boundaries and lowered expectations.
Reading your Christmas experience it was like seeing my past with 11 kids. Now I am 79 and have always had everyone over on Christmas……still. This year “I quit”. We had everyone over for dinner (easy…potato bar) on a Sunday early in Dec. I told each family that I had decided not to give gifts any more…..(11 kids, their spouses, 27 grands and 12 greats). I will enjoy giving them things(gifts) when I thought of something or saw something or had something they would enjoy. And I wasn’t keeping track……everything works out in the end. No one minded and it also released them from having to think of something for us! Added benefit. My husband and I and one daughter that lives with us had a beautiful and very peaceful day. Looking back I’m so glad that I finally decided to “quit” good luck!
bravo! I am so glad you finally quit. I have 8 children, and I already know I can’t keep doing everything. I’m glad your day turned out peaceful <3 i hope others are willing to make it a special day for you
I love what people have said so far. I hope you find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone.
Congrats to you–for recognizing what’s going on, for the desire to change and for the risk of reaching out to others. You are doing amazing things in the midst of deep pain.
How would you talk to a friend who came to you with these feelings? How would you talk to a child who was tired and worn out? Can you give yourself that same kind of empathy and understanding?
You will figure this out. But there’s no need to rush. Sometimes it helps to soothe, comfort and heal a bit before moving into problem solving mode.
I’m so sorry that this is such a stressful time! Not fun at all. Holiday expectations are enough to do us all in, not even including other obligations. I can relate. I agree with the getting away on a budgeted vacation as a Christmas gift to each other. We are coming back from one as I am typing this. We went to a beach. No extended family. No gifts. Just my hubby and I and the kiddos. We had fun, but the kids also fought a bunch too…not gonna sugar coat it. I knew that was going to happen. It always does, but I’m hoping they’ll have selective memory when they look back at it all and the memories will be priceless some day. Haha. I said no to the extended family Christmas exchange (we were the only ones not to participate, but surprisingly everyone seemed ok about it.) I am learning how to say no and worry less about what people think anymore. Life is too short and I need my sanity. It is not easy for me to say no, but with practice, it gets easier, and I realize that my kids need to feel disappointment so they can learn how to be gracious and grateful even when it is hard. I don’t have any magic answers, and I know you know yourself best as you are trying to navigate the holidays, but I am glad for your realness. It is ok to feel this way, and you are definitely not alone. Much love!
Christmas is a scam. The end.
I just don’t see fathers having these same feelings of depletion and overextension. When someone says “Its your own choice, you’re doing it to yourself,” I know its somewhat true. but it also one of those problems that are primarily faced by women. Its a lifetime of conditioning that I am supposed to accommodate everyone and fill in the gaps and keep everything running smoothly. In my experience, the men in my life are content to disappoint people. But first of all, they rarely get in the situation where they are taking responsibility for all the things. Maybe it is as easy as making a decision to do things differently. But I have changed things each year to try to simplify, and it still makes me crazy. Maybe its as easy as writing off Christmas. But that isn’t so easy to do! Wherever you are and whatever you’re feeling about Christmas and exhaustion, its helpful to know others are feeling it too, and maybe if we keep talking about it was can make real changes
One change that made a huge difference in how I felt at Christmas time was when I stopped listening to Christmas music. We put in a Christmas CD when we put the tree up. I attended a Christmas concert if my kids were singing. That was it. Everything else was my normal playlist. I was surprised at how much of the “you must feel this way!” insistence came from Christmas music. Seriously, how many times can you listen to “I’ll be Home For Christmas” before you’re completely depressed?
Ditch the Christmas carols.
Also, with decorations, I told my kids we would put up only the decorations they were willing to help with. We have stockings and a tree. That’s all they want to help with. When they stopped decorating, I stopped decorating. I felt hugely guilty the year I threw a bunch of Christmas knickknacks in the trash, but then the decor and the guilt both disappeared.
I did another purge at Christmas clean-up time. “No, honey, you only have to put away the tree ornaments you want to keep for next year.” We got rid of more stuff. Yay!
I wouldn’t generally offer unsolicited advice, but you did ask. I would suggest not trying to revamp the entire holiday in one year. Pick one area. It sounds like Christmas baking is a stress point for you. Perhaps tell the kids: “we will bake one type of cookie on Wednesday afternoon.” Then only bake on Wednesdays. Or whatever limit works for you. Set limits in one area and see how it goes.
Congratulate yourself for opting out of the extended family gift exchange this year, and consider making that permanent. You already made people grumpy and survived. Don’t waste that by going back to an activity that caused you stress. They’ll get used to it.
I have offended people about the gifts thing too. I give you a high five! You are not alone!
You say that you always get sick after Christmas. What would happen if you got sick at the beginning of December.? What would be left out if you were sick then instead of later? Everyone would have to pitch in and help. Everyone would have to decide what really mattered. Now I’m not telling you to fake like you’re sick. No, actually I probably am. But you obviously have to cut down on something or you will be completely non-functional.
Dear fellow sister, you are doing too much. I find it interesting that you say you try to set boundaries but don’t like to deal with the disappointment. Setting boundaries will cause pain. It will hurt. It’s supposed to. Because you are finally saying “No” and people don’t like that. It’s going to hurt, but hopefully the boundary sticks.
Just let go. Just do what you can each day and be happy with that. It’s a lesson I’m trying to learn. Now, I’m single (thank heavens! I think I would be just like you, because I’ve been a people-pleaser for so long and I would be one of those mothers who sacrifice my entire self for my family. Thankfully I have age and therapy now.) But even I find myself trying to make others happy. It ended up with me having a panic attack in front of my friends on Christmas Eve and having to take a $24 taxi home.
I’m trying to just do what I can each day. If that ends up only having fed myself and the cats and getting to bed, I call that a success. It’s still learning each day.
My children are grown with family of their own,but I remember those days of wanting Christmas to be magical for all. I think instead of doing neighbor gifts at Christmas when everyone is bombarded with too much sweet stuff, tell your kids that you will wait to give them gifts at Valentine’s Day or any other day, when it will be more appreciated by the neighbors and it takes that stress off you.
Thank you for your post. 10 years ago I decided that Christmas was too much work and I told our 2 married sons and their wives (no grandchildren at the time) that we didn’t want any presents from them, they were not getting any presents from us, and when they came to visit we wouldn’t have a tree up or a decoration in sight. Sounds Awful, right? Well, they didn’t bat an eye, so Christmas was GONE and I have never looked back. Now with 4 grandchildren that are between the ages of 7 and 3, we get each of them one small gift from Grandpa, one small gift from Grandma and a clothing item or two that they need. We have everyone over for a lunch on a day around Christmas but not on Christmas day. And then we play games and visit like any other day at Grandma’s house. Best decision I ever made.
My husband and I don’t exchange gifts either. He has 10 siblings and I have 6, no gifts for them. We email out pictures to them or call them on the phone during the year. No Christmas cards or family letters. No neighbor gifts, nothing at all. (Did I mention that I love this?!) And when a neighbor or friend or someone brings a small treat or what not we thank them so very much without the least degree of guilt. My suggestion is to do the same thing. Everyone should.
Now I won’t lie to you, the first year is the hardest. It won’t be easy. After that it is smooth sailing. Come October or so, tell your family and friends you love them but this coming Christmas 2020 you are not doing gifts or treats because you need to take back the day. When I told my family and friends they were fine with it. In fact, they said I was one person they could cross off of their lists!
If you have small children there is nothing wrong with a small tree and a few twinkling lights. Keep gifts spares and ditch everything else. The magic isn’t in the presents. It is in the time spent together building snowmen, playing games, and telling stories.
Good luck to you.
One of my favorite traditions simplifies Christmas morning, makes it more restful for mom and dad, gives sneaky fun for sisters and brothers, and helps the environment a tiny bit: ever since I was a child, Santa didn’t wrap presents. We carried that forward. We place each child’s presents together in its own pile, with their stocking on top identifying their gifts. One kid wakes up, sneaks into the living room, looks at his/her presents, then gets up the rest and they all look at and play with everything. Sometimes we hear them, sometimes we’re sound asleep. Before they eventually wake us up, they put everything back to look mostly like it originally did. Then they show us what they got.
A few things I tried this year to help with my exhaustion and Christmas Burnout –
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1) No Christmas music until December 20th
2) Forget the lights- if we put them up they don’t come down until June .
3) minimize the Decorations- if I can’t put it up myself in two hours then it doesn’t go up by me. If the kids are missing something they are welcome to get it out themselves.
4) along with Christmas music I minimized all Christmas Celebrations, parties, baking, sightseeing the lights, Christmas movies to December 20-25th.
This helped me immensely this year but I have a lot of adjustments still to make .
My plan for next year is to minimize gifts ( a shorter shopping time frame and less gifts) and limit the decorations also to Dec.20-25th, meaning the decorations come down the day after Christmas. Why oh why do we have to start celebrating at Thanksgiving? Keep Christmas “Special” by keeping it short.
And food- Special indulgent food and treats the Dec 20-25.
I may even shorten this time frame to 23-25th.
I have also learned to embrace that I am introverted and too much stimulation is overwhelming for my system , hence the Dec. 20th -25th Rule. This year ended up being stressful with unplanned for family visitors who spent a lot of time at my house. I need more downtime / alone time and next year I will set retire to my room earlier or say “ No, now is not a good time to drop in”.
I hope these ideas help.