I know what they say in ward council. I know what they say because I, too, used to sit there and say that. When my name comes up, they shake their heads and ask if anyone’s had contact. “Yes,” someone will reply. “I texted her. She seems fine.” They probably lament that even the very elect are misled when we aren’t vigilant and hold to every word that proceeds from the mouth of God, or God’s prophet. The best way to know if you’re one of the elect is to stop going to church. Then, leaders and friends are ready to give you the “fallen elect” title, and that’s how you know for sure you’re one of the elect. Or, at least, you were. These things are fungible.
Someone must have warned the new Bishop not to contact me. “She’s serious about not being contacted. If you show up at her door, she’ll probably swear at you. Remember what happened to the missionaries.” Those who remember will look at each other, sad eyebrows raised. Those who don’t remember, or who are new, will have the story repeated in whispered tones with the expletives redacted. You also know you’re one of the fallen elect if you begin swearing. In fact, really good members don’t even say swear-adjacent words, like “fetch.” That’s how you know they avoid the very appearance of evil, unlike me. I swear. Not just baby words like “shoot” but real big-kid words.
And that whole “is she serious about not being contacted” thing is another curious ward council topic. I’ve heard plenty of council conversations that gauge a person’s “seriousness” about not being contacted. Ways to tell if you are “serious” include:
1. Length of time since going inactive. If it’s been a long time, ward council may re-contact you, just to make sure you’re still serious about not being contacted; if it hasn’t been very long, they’ll feel free to contact you because surely You’re Not That Serious and We Love and Miss and Need You;
2. Degree of dedication to the church prior to falling into inactivity. If you were super-duper active before mysteriously ending your church activity, you probably aren’t super-serious about not being contacted;
3. Form of greeting when unexpected church visitors show up at your door. I don’t care if your mama raised you to smile at guests, even uninvited ones. If you smile, they will know you aren’t serious, and no matter what words come out of your mouth, you will be contacted. And if you offer them water, milk, juice or cookies, forget about it. You are on the Permanently Contact list;
4. A calling/assignment/favor to ask. For some reason, even if you’ve made it clear you do not want any contact no matter what, there will be that one person who thinks they are exempt because they aren’t asking you to come to church per se. They just want you to Be Involved in Another Thing. This frequently happened with Super Saturday assignments back when we inflicted those (“everyone is just dying to know how to tole paint/arrange flowers/make jam and you’re the best at it”). I understand it also happens whenever a musical number is desperately needed. People with musical talents do not simply go inactive. They are given many many chances to repent and share their talents;
5. Inspiration. Sigh. This one gets us every time. Inspiration can often look like General Conference (best not to answer your phone or door in October or April), an article in one of the church publications (ward councils everywhere love the story about the home teacher who waited on the doorstep/on the beach/by the car until the person gave in and went to church), a dream, a chance encounter at the store, a task list to show they’re engaged in all aspects of salvation, including perfecting the saints and preaching the gospel–we inactives are a two-for-one deal.
The truth is, I don’t hunger for communion with the saints the way I thought I would. Maybe it’s the freedom to, finally, wear weather-appropriate clothing now that my state routinely sets record-breaking temperatures. Bare shoulders soaking in the sun can make up for a lot of potlucks, if I’m honest, even potlucks with funeral potatoes. Full disclosure: I wrote this while wearing a bikini.
And I don’t miss Sunday School at all. In fact, I can go entire weeks without being priesthood-splained to (except on Facebook, where I blockety-block-block them as soon as they first say ‘Well, actually, Sister…’). For some reason, my life hasn’t fallen apart. No one will be creepy to me on Sunday for my patterned tights (true story), and they’re probably relieved not to have to navigate my evil spirit now that I’ve turned to the dark side, as evidenced by my porn shoulders and, gasp, bikini-lines.
The last time I went to church, it was for a missionary farewell. I hadn’t been in months. A friend who had conveniently stopped texting me after she hadn’t seen me at church for several weeks (out of sight, out of mind), approached me after Sacrament. “I’m in charge of the ward party next week. Will you do a booth and feed 40-50 people bite-sized food from Jerusalem?” I didn’t say what I was thinking, which was a mixture of loud laughter and taking the name of the Lord in vain. But I did turn her down and I didn’t offer excuses, nor was I particularly polite. Feed 40-50 people who feel coerced into being there, just like I did, and who would then start contacting me whenever the inspiration, or sign up sheet, hit them? I’ll take my chances with too much UV radiation, thank you.
Still. There are some things I miss. I miss feeling like I have all the answers. I miss trusting that if I pay my tithing, the promise made to my ancestor Guisseppe Toronto would be honored, “Thy children shall never want for bread.” I miss having people who have to pretend to like me, at least on Sundays, even if I wear a rainbow pin, even if I make more than 3 comments in Sunday School, even if I teach their children that God doesn’t like it when we ignore boundaries.
One time in ward council, we were discussing how to convince a family to return to activity. “Why don’t we become the kind of people they want to hang out with?” I suggested.
Why indeed.
27 Responses
You know, I really got lucky when I stopped attending church. Nobody cared that I wasn’t there anymore. I don’t think they even noticed.
Someone should do a sociological study about who reaches out when we stop attending and what the responses are. It sounds like no one has kept in touch with you, which can be a relief but it can also be such a hard thing to experience. For example, I’m happy the missionaries and RS presidency don’t drop, and if the current Bishop showed up I have a lot of things I’d like to talk to him about, none of which will he want to hear. But of all the women who I would have sworn were really good friends, only 4 or 5 keep in touch at all and no one wants to hang out. I could definitely do without the dance of “Let’s hang out! Go on a hike! Ladies night!” which no one on their side ever intends to follow through with. I don’t blame them–I’m liberal and outspoken. But it does surprise me.
All of that’s just to say, hugs if your experience isn’t exactly what you would have wished.
After Dave quit going we waited to see what the response would be. Crickets… He wondered why no one was “inspired” to contact him. I asked if he wanted to be a ward project. Naturally that answer was no, but it was interesting to see how not a soul reached out. A few folks would stop me at church and tell me to “say hi to Dave” to be sure I let him know they were thinking of him. My response is always to say, “You should tell him yourself”. No one ever has. I think some folks are intimidated by him (insert me laughing hysterically) He’s a college professor, so maybe they’re worried he’ll use logic and rational thought to discuss things with them. I just think no one really wants to take the time to engage on a real human level, without making it all about church activity. It’s sad, really. They’re missing out on an incredible person.
I wonder how much is just people sensing they, also, aren’t comfortable in the church and they’re afraid they’ll be pulled to the dark side.
Same here.
So much truth!
Are the keys of the ordinances of salvation and exaltation still reposited among the FP and the Twelve?
Aw, aren’t you sweet? Engaging on a post with the purpose of chastising me. Love that for you ❤️ Just like every single person in my “ward family,” you skipped right over the find-out stage and ran full steam to the judgment stage. The fact that you have no authority in my life makes you even more adorable. Thanks for the real-time example of all the reasons I left.
This reply is why I adore you! Mwah!
You and I should be on the same ward again
Take me with you to this mythical ward!
Nope, comment not made in spirit of chastising or judgment. Read your piece very carefully three or four times. Sought to understand and appreciated comment about why don’t we become the kind of people they want to hang out with. Sincerely wanted to engage as to whether there were so many things about church culture that were bothersome, or was there something about the truth claims.
The article is a commentary on how the members of the church deal with those who are no longer active. From what the author wrote, looks like it’s not very well. Your question about culture or truth claims is no relevant to the observations in the post. However I will take a crack at it: It’s been my experience that the answer to all of the issues posited above is that we love everyone unconditionally. I decided a few years ago to stop judging others as much as is humanly possible. I often get negative feedback on this because often in the church we view unconditional acceptance and love as tacit approval of sin – something which we are highly trained in divining. But then I go to church and I take the sacrament every Sunday and I think to myself, whos covenants am I renewing? The answer, invariably, is my own. I don’t renew Bryn’s covenants or my wife’s, or my kids, I don’t renew my neighbors covenants, just mine. Why then should I be concerned with what everyone else is doing? Where other people are concerned, I feel I should support them in whatever decisions they make as long as they don’t hurt themselves or others. Even if those decisions are: 1) to step away from the church 2) not coming to church multiple weeks in a row 3) whether or not they like random people showing up on their doorstep 4) to put up a boundary when asked to do crap for other people at the drop of a hat for free, or 5) to react negatively when I contact them out of the blue because either the spirit or my ADD told me to. So I refuse to care about other people’s sin. If it looks like by doing so I approve of it, that’s too bad. I choose to focus instead on the content of their character, their love for their fellow humans, and the level of vulnerability they are willing to display in every day conversation. And when I do that I begin to see those people who are in fact, “the kind of people who I want to hang out with”.
I hope that helps.
John, you are exactly the kind of people I would like to hang out with. Thanks for being a pinch hitter here
Yes, it was about reactions to someone’s inactivity, but not solely. She discussed in this public forum about her own business – using big kid swear words, thinking of loud laughter and taking the Lord’s name in vain, not wearing garments. And, so, I publicly asked a question. Yes, it’s her business and I’m to always keep my arm outstretched, because the Lord does. Always and no matter what. I must, if I’m to have His countenance in my face and to always have a mighty change in my heart. And if she knew me, she would feel that from me. But, I always wonder, does someone in that situation believe the keys were restored and continue to the present day, and are just exercising their agency in a fashion inconsistent with prophetic leadership? Has one concluded it was all a fraud ab initio, and it’s just an oppressive, mistake-ridden human institution? If so, is one on an energetic quest to find the Savior’s true church elsewhere on the planet? Or, is the New Testament all fables too? Or does one believe one can gain salvation in a Christian context without a church? If so, where then does someone go for baptism of the water and the spirit, without which one cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven? Where does someone go for the Sacrament of the Last Supper – this do in remembrance of me.
I don’t know her; she doesn’t know me. No malice was intended. Just trying to understand.
Recently I listened to a ghastly podcast on boundaries, how I wish that time was spent focussing on real boundaries like the ones described in this article. All the funeral potatoes in the world can’t hold a candle to our friendship, im grateful for that and for the circumstances under which we met (or didn’t meet).
We’re not very good at boundaries in our church, right?
FWIW, if you were my Bishop, I wouldn’t swear at you for visiting.
Thank you, Bryn. “Why don’t we become the kind of people they want to hang out with?” Yes! In so many different ways for so many different people. Are we a place where people seeking the love of Christ want to be? A place where people already here want to stay? A place where those who have left feel they have the option to come back? Are we living Christ’s gospel in a way that all those people feel physically and emotionally welcome and safe to be their true selves? (I don’t feel our church actions in general are there yet…I hope we can get there sometime…but I also get very motion sick on the up-and-down roller coaster of hope and disappointment.)
Oof. That rollercoaster is enough to give us all whiplash. I love those questions. They seem like a helpful way to evaluate our actions and motivations. I wish we asked those things in Ward Council. I wish we asked them at general conference.
Your rollercoaster image feels spot on to me. I asked some very similar questions when trying to come up with a ward mission plan:
https://www.the-exponent.com/a-more-inclusive-ward-mission-plan/
And nope, they never ended up rolling out any kind of mission plan. Wasting my time and talents doesn’t make me want to give more. It doesn’t encourage me to invite friends to come to church. Shocking, I know.
Our Ward Mission Plan basically said “Don’t be a dick.”
A little bit of a tangent to your post, but I regularly exercised an average of 1.5 hours/week for a couple of years. A reasonable amount, I think, working all the muscle groups. My arm muscles out-grew some styles of garments and several of my sleeved shirts. It was hard to find clothes that cover garments before, but now… Well, I haven’t outgrown any of my sleeveless shirts. I refuse to spend an immodest amount of time to try to find “modest” clothes.
I have stage 4 osteoarthritis from the top of my spine down to my tailbone plus I also have quite pronounced scoliosis along with several other problems in my spine which makes sitting or standing in one place for more than 2-3 minutes unbearably painful. Unfortunately, the hard benches and metal folding chairs at church make this situation even more painful. I tried bringing cushions to church, but because of the poor design of the hard benches and metal chairs the cushion didn’t help much. (Was Mormon church furniture invented back during the Spanish Inquisition?) I always sat in the back of the chapel so that when I needed to get up and walk around out in the foyer and hallways I wouldn’t bother other people. When our former stake president decreed from on high that people who sat out in the foyer on the only semi comfortable furniture in the entire building or walked in the halls were displeasing the Lord and therefore this had to stop immediately I realized that my church going days were over. (He also decreed that special monitors would be called to keep the foyers and halls free of slackers which is pretty ironic when you realize that they are required to go out into these places during church meetings in order to catch slackers and send them back to the chapel or classrooms.) Nobody missed me at all. When my husband who conducted the hymns in SM was released from his calling he quit going to church for other reasons.
During the past 6 years I have never been contacted by the bishop or his counselors. During a short 6 month period when a new RS president who actually befriended me because she liked me was called I had some connection with the ward. When she had to be released because of a serious health problem I went back to being invisible to my ward. Before I had to quit going to church I had been a gospel doctrine teacher and led the music in primary, so it wasn’t like I was unknown to my fellow ward members. But since then it has been a case of out of sight out of mind.
The ward I lived in before church headquarters in SLC decreed that all of the wards in our stake had to be reconfigured because all of the high priests and the tithing dollars were on the east side of the stake was the most loving ward I’d ever been in. Our bishops knew all of us by name and knew who were struggling with health or other types of challenges. They were actually real friends to one and all in the ward and regularly checked in with ward members who were dealing with physical and mental health issues but were never intrusive or treated us like projects. Our other priesthood and RS leaders were like that too. We truly felt like a ward family and the body of Christ. After the boundary change the sense of belonging and the desire for us to care about each other died. Friends who were once fellow ward members but are now in different wards say that they too now feel invisible in their wards. I don’t want to become a “project” for the leaders to work on. I’d just like to know that someone in my ward besides my marvelous next door neighbors who have also recently given up on going to church would actually care about my husband and me. Unfortunately, I don’t see that ever happening.
Oh Wayfarer, I’m so very sorry for your experience. You deserve the watch-care we preach about, and that includes true friendships and compassionate responses to your needs.
Last month’s rainbow FHE at our house was attended by about 8 people. This issue came up in conversation and I was amazed that half of them had an immediate family member with a debilitating disability. This is far more common than abled people generally think it is. I’m sorry for your struggles.
Just calling something out. GS asked a question. I called him on it. He insited it was an honest, inquiring question. Then a man called him on it. And he replied with a lengthy dissertation that basically boils down to “I am judging you for what you said and letting you know that I’m judging you but I want to appear like I’m not judging you.”
I mean, I know we all know that but I just want to name it. Because what he tried to do was gaslighting. Which is another thing that happens when we leave the church.
No gaslighting. You make light of things millions hold sacred. You’ve left the church. Ok. I tried to ask if someone in that position retains religion or not, and if so how. You don’t want to answer. Fine. You’ve ascribed motivations to me that I don’t have. Take care.