(Main image from Kristina Flour and unsplash.com)
Guest Post by Rebecca Lucero Jones
Ever since the trailer dropped for the secret lives of Mormon wives, I have seen social media posts filled with enthusiasm and disdain for this upcoming show. Some people are excited to indulge in their guilty pleasure, reality TV, and others have voiced offense and concern that the word “Mormon” is being used as a descriptor for the women portrayed in this show. I think this online discussion begs the question, “How Mormon is the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives?”
First, I think we have to acknowledge that six years ago, in 2018, President Nelson, the head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints requested that members no longer use the word “Mormon” as a descriptor of either themselves or the church. In the aftermath of this decision and recommendation, other groups feel that this change allows them to claim the “Mormon” title that the church intentionally sought to eradicate as descriptor. Sunstone, an educational foundation that includes all people who have descended from the original church established by Joseph Smith, has coined the motto “More Than One Way to Mormon.” This catchy motto promotes inclusion and understanding among different sects and individuals who despite differences, connect with their shared history and religious origins. Is the show “The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives” an inaccurate descriptor when “Mormon” is no longer used by those who identify as part of the Brighamite* sect of the LDS faith tradition? Could these women just be Mormoning in their own way?
The title of the show does not use the church’s full name or the acronym LDS, which are terms that have been designated by President Nelson as more appropriate descriptors for members. The show’s title also doesn’t use a word like “average” or “ordinary.” The descriptor “secret” suggests that this is not typical and there is something to be uncovered. I acknowledge that the word “secret” is not descriptive of the possible scope. However, most reality TV is based on drama and captures outliers. Clearly there is something unique about these women because they rose to popularity on TikTok and they now have their own TV show, which alone demonstrates that they are anything but run of mill LDS women. But LDS women (many of whom are devoted members) have built a significant reputation in the blogger sphere. In fact, some may argue that LDS women founded blogging and were the original influencers. While it is probably true that most LDS women do not have a blog, LDS women are represented disproportionately on blogs, social media, and TikTok as influencers. On this matter, the women in the show capture the interesting phenomenon of immense success among female LDS and Mormon influencers.
I think those who are LDS and bothered by show’s title are most likely concerned that the show portrays the women all matching. Just kidding! But, we all have to admit that we don’t coordinate outfits with 5+ other friends. In all reality, I think LDS women are most likely concerned that these women dress immodestly (according to LDS standards) and are swinging, two behaviors that are explicitly forbidden in LDS practice. However, I think many faithful LDS may be unaware of how many of their peers aren’t wearing garments or may be experimenting with swinging. Jana Reiss recently conducted research in 2022 and 2023 and found that younger generations wear garments less than older generations. Where 84% of boomers responded that they were wearing their garments, only 36% of millennials and 41% of Gen Z responded that they were wearing their garments. These stark differences show a new trend of younger generations showing less compliance with garment wearing and possibly with dress standards. While a good amount of LDS members still wear garments, the women in this show may be representative of a generational movement away from the church’s prescribed dress codes.
The show’s portrayal of swinging is most understandably upsetting for faithful members. With a history of religiously prescribed polygamy, LDS members are often faced with correcting outsiders’ understandings of when and how polygamy has been practiced within the Brighamite* tradition of the faith. Generally, I would argue that the church’s history of polygamy is a fairly uncomfortable topic for the modern monogamous LDS woman. In fact, it is often misconstrued and avoided because it is considered to be a marital practice of the past. But is it in the past when President Nelson and President Oaks will have two wives in heaven because each of their marriages is eternal? Is swinging that weird when eternal polygamy is still practiced? Is it strange that LDS women feel immense pressure to be beautiful and get plastic surgery when they will be the only woman their husband has sex with and he always has the option to meet a second, or third, or fourth wife after their passing? The LDS wife lives in constant threat of becoming one of her husband’s wives in the afterlife. Some women acknowledge this when they tell their husband “I don’t want you to remarry after I die.” Whether a woman chooses to acknowledge these doctrinal realities, this could become her reality, without her consent, without her knowledge.
Is it strange then that LDS women or LDS raised women might experiment in social media as an attempt to elevate and advertise their attractiveness or experiment sexually with swinging, a practice that also allows them to choose additional partners? I think it may be easy to dismiss the women starring in this show as vapid or shallow. It may be more comfortable for us to judge them or put them at arm’s length and declare, “They are not our people!” However, I think it is incumbent upon us to acknowledge that the doctrine, teachings, and/or culture in the church has sexually repressed individuals who operate in a system that puts immense pressure on women to become perfect or be abandoned or demoted in the most intimate of relationships, marriage.
I want to be clear, there are absolutely clear differences between the average LDS woman and these women, but these women walk the same tight rope that all LDS women walk. They too attended church youth activities where they tried on wedding dresses. They too listened to lessons on how they could become the best wife and mother. They too heard leaders tell young men that if they were faithful on their missions, that they would get a hotter wife. They too heard the line “modest is the hottest,” but witnessed that hottest was the hottest. They too heard lessons where they learned sex is a reward for those who enter the highest degree of heaven. They too may have been perplexed by the many rules that required one to overcome or repress sexual urges, only to hear that sex was the reward for righteousness.
Rather than airing grievances that these women used a title that the church disowned, I think the kinder, wiser action is to recognize the complexity and diverse ways that women cope with objectification, the church’s history of polygamy, and the current threat eternal polygamy poses for the modern LDS woman and her felt sense of safety in her marriage. Their story may not be your story, but I think it is possible that this show will demonstrate one of the ways women Mormon in our modern world.
*The term Brighamite refers to the Utah-based LDS Church and is a term used to distinguish this branch of the LDS church from other branches.
Read more on the topic of this new Hulu show and polygamy practices, as well as a watch party response on Exponent II blog.
Guest author Rebecca works as a professor and marriage and family therapist. She resides in Texas with her husband and three children. She enjoys spending time with her family, walking with friends, cooking, and traveling.
10 Responses
I spent decades trying to figure out why the line from moulin rouge when Satine says, “All my life I’ve been made to believe I was only worth what someone would pay for me!” Resonated so deeply. However, as I come to terms with our history of polygamy, the blatant reduction of women to the roles of wife and mother, and the intense obsession with women’s sexuality in conjunction with watching Johnny Lingo as a young child and hearing jokes about “good missionaries” being “rewarded” with hot wives I no longer wonder. Instead I realize we are far closer to the Handmaid’s Tale of dystopian novels than the handmade of Mary the Mother of Jesus who was given full consent to choose whether to bear the son of God. I’m no longer willing to be simultaneously suppressed from being sexual while also being treated as a sexual reward. When we are as upset by prophets secretly marrying underage girls behind their wives backs as we are by adult women having consensual adult relationships then I will be willing to listen to male leaderships concerns about female sexuality. The fact this show, and the women on it’s open discussion of their choices, has so many people upset about “making Mormon women look bad” but no one is concerned about male leaderships deceitful history of what should be labeled blatant abuse of power and sexual assault is tragic. In the meantime, I’m going to keep working through the trauma that led my supposedly wholesome conservative religious experience to leave me feeling more able to relate to a whore than a child of God.
“I’m no longer willing to be simultaneously suppressed from being sexual while also being treated as a sexual reward.” Your comment was so powerful. Thank you
Rebecca, I really enjoyed this post and all your points. I esp. found this quote as well as your concluding paragraph striking: They too listened to lessons on how they could become the best wife and mother. They too heard leaders tell young men that if they were faithful on their missions, that they would get a hotter wife. They too heard the line “modest is the hottest,” but witnessed that hottest was the hottest. They too heard lessons where they learned sex is a reward for those who enter the highest degree of heaven. They too may have been perplexed by the many rules that required one to overcome or repress sexual urges, only to hear that sex was the reward for righteousness.”
Thank you for the insights. I have felt these pressures keenly in my life. Now as a middle-aged person in the church, I recognize that women are much more sexual than LDS culture is comfortable acknowledging or grappling with. They are sexually picky, they have lust and passion as much as men do. LDS women like any women can easily struggle with temptations to have affairs when they are abused, neglected and treated as one down. Recognition that sex should be about women’s desires and psychological needs as much as it is about anything is just not upheld or respected in our religious culture. I have empathy women who break free from the mold of being treated as a sexual reward for men and as if they don’t have needs and desires themselves. I don’t think the reality TV stars are breaking free from the sea of body objectification (I haven’t watched it). I think swinging is a terrible idea that would really traumatize me. But I’m comfortable with this show being a thorn in the side of our sexually unhealthy church culture. Maybe they’ll help people wake up a bit to the reality of women’s sexuality– big, powerful, and complicated as it is?
“Maybe they’ll help people wake up a bit to the reality of women’s sexuality– big, powerful, and complicated as it is?”
i don’t think so. The centuries of women’s sexuality driving women’s fertility means that women’s role is “sexy” or “nurturing” – and “nurturing” won out doctrinally. Women in their 20’s, 30’s, and (to a degree) 40’s have the estrogen and other hormones to be able to pivot between roles (to a degree). Women older than that are not necessarily given the freedom to be “sexy” because our culture also worships youth and vitality over wisdom.
And there is a lot of resentment from women care-givers as the “work load” increases without the optimism of growth. It’s easier to tend to a toddler’s needs understanding that is is “temporary” – it’s a lot harder to handle some of those same needs for a spouse as it “may be temporary” and eventually will be more permanent. Our culture needs women to do the work of care-giving and nurturing more then it needs older women to be sexual beings (assuming that the women want to be sexual beings – which isn’t backed by estrogen after menopause necessarily).
A large part of sexuality is about “moving on to a different partner” (and the ramifications of that). Since relationships (especially marriage) are built as eternal constructs – that “moving on” is countered by “adding onto (multiple wives)” and frowning on “divorce” and “policing social roles”.
It’s clear from your evaluation that you have a complete lack of understanding of the doctrine of this church. As such you have disqualified yourself as a reliable source.
Rebecca, I love your humor and your candid acknowledgement of difficult topics. I love that you invite us to work to a “kinder and wiser” strategy for acknowledging the complexities these women deal with. Hopefully this greater understanding will help us to support each other better and be more compassionate about the invisible struggles we all face even when we don’t have the same experiences or viewpoints.
Thank you..
I love this observation!
“ I think the kinder, wiser action is to recognize the complexity and diverse ways that women cope with objectification, the church’s history of polygamy, and the current threat eternal polygamy poses for the modern LDS woman and her felt sense of safety in her marriage”
It is sad that many are so busy having a knee jerk reaction to the church (or possibly themselves) looking bad that they are unable to see the complexity of an LDS woman’s existence laid bare through a tawdry reality TV show.
I had the “knee jerk” response for this show. I really appreciate the idea of “let them ‘Mormon’ the way they ‘Mormon’”. The concept of sexual reward is something, even as a man, that we need to grapple with. There is clearly more to these women than just the one thing but The show is a great opportunity for LDS people, Brigham sect Mormons, to get curious about themselves and why they do and believe the things they believe.
On an editorial note, I had some trouble initially connecting the sexual reward to the polygamy. But I got there. It may strengthen your argument to bring that specific phrase up sooner. Great piece very insightful.
From my personal perspective when President Nelson challenged us to use the proper name of The Church to refer to it, it seems like the word Mormon has came to represent the non-doctrinal culture created by Latter-day Saints. In that context, I think that the word Mormon is much more befitting of the show advertised as “swingers, sinners and housewives”. And why would any faithful member of The Church fight to use the Savior’s name to advertise a “tawdry reality TV show”? I think it was very respectful of them to use the word Mormon in this instance.
I don’t know what my sexuality has to do with anyone but me and my husband. The “church” has nothing to do with it. I wear my temple garments and think there’s nothing wrong with dressing modest These girls are extremely immature, but that seems pretty normal for their age. It seems like they are trying to make the world see Mormons more progressive or whatever. My husband doesn’t rule over me. We are a partnership. I’ve NEVER EVER in my life heard that young men were taught that they would get hot wives if they went on a mission. Oh my gosh, such NONSENSE!!! These girls have the right to be whoever they want to be, and do whatever they want to do . They have their agency to choose as do we all. They don’t accurately represent the LDS church. I do want to say, however, that we are all sinners and that is why our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and paid for our sins . I need to repent because I’m finding myself judging and being discusted with how these girls act as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Shame on me for that. Jesus Christ is the ONLY one who will judge us . We are to Love one another. Yes I know, that’s so difficult sometimes.