by N. Skye
Let’s talk about this new phrase “think celestial.” (On a random side note, it beats me why it’s not stated, “think celestially.”)
I believe that President Nelson gave this message from a place of good intention, trying to help those of us less seasoned in the journey of life to be more successful and more joyful in our journey. That said, because General Conference talks are not required to be trauma-informed or to be based on sound mental health principles, they always run the risk of coming with some potentially serious mental health ramifications. (Personally, I think there should be a panel of experienced therapists that reviews every conference talk during the preparation stage to give feedback so that the way gospel principles are taught is cohesive with sound mental health principles. *More on this in the added notes at the end.)
For the purpose of this post, I specifically would like to focus on the following section of his talk*:
“When you are confronted with a dilemma, think celestial! When tested by temptation, think celestial! When life or loved ones let you down, think celestial! When someone dies prematurely, think celestial! When someone lingers with a devastating illness, think celestial. When the pressures of life crowd in upon you, think celestial! As you recover from an accident or injury, as I am doing now, think celestial!”
Before addressing the concerns, I want to point out what I see as the helpful takeaway from this message. To me, he is teaching the skill of zooming out and taking a broader perspective, looking at the big picture. This is a skill that has helped me many, many times in life, and it’s a skill I do think we would all do well to develop. Sometimes we get so lost in the weeds and the nitty gritty of our life, that it is easy to feel overwhelmed and forget to see a bigger picture to bring clarity, insight, or a calm grounding to our soul as we navigate our situation. Developing this skill is a worthy endeavor.
Many of us are learning how to say “yes, and” instead of “either/or”. This means that we can acknowledge the multiple things that are simultaneously true about a given situation. While it may be true that it’s a worthy endeavor to learn how to step back and look at the bigger picture, it is ALSO just as important to let ourselves feel the hard feelings that are part of life. To understand this “yes, and” principle, let’s consider the situation of someone who is miserably ill and in poor condition and then passes away. For the surviving loved ones, it can be both true that they are sad to have lost a loved one and deeply miss them in their absence AND they may also be grateful for their loved one to not be in misery any longer. Both are true. One truth does not negate the other, and both are important.
Black-and-white thinking says “either/or” instead of “yes, and.” Either you have faith in God’s plan, or you have deep, immense grief and pain. Either you are happy or sad. Optimistic or hopeless. Faithful or faithless.
Sorrow and grief are inevitable – and key – parts of this mortal journey, and understanding the *stages of grief (which, by the way can show up in other trials besides losing loved ones) can give life-changing understanding as we come to accept and embrace the immense, and even intense, emotion that is part of life. Then, instead of judging ourselves for what we feel, we learn how necessary it is that we “feel it to heal it.” We learn that allowing ourselves to feel emotions and acknowledge them, counterintuitively, actually helps us to move through them. Or maybe more accurately, allows them to move through us, allowing us to move forward in life instead of being trapped in a cycle of avoidance (and shame).
I’m concerned that the call to “think celestial” may come with the unintended consequence of something called spiritual bypassing, where people are not processing their emotions in healthy ways, but instead avoid them in an attempt to “think celestial”. I’m also concerned about the possibility of this phrase being used against those going through deep struggles (whether they be pains of personal trials, or even pain in regards to issues in the church), leading members to be dismissive of one another’s pains, exhorting each other to just “think celestial” to get through hardship (in turn, leading to an avoidance of difficult feelings).
While seeing the big picture is a helpful life skill, it cannot come at the expense of truly feeling and processing our emotions (and sitting with those who are doing so, AKA “mourning with those that mourn”). As it is, our church community already struggles a great deal with allowing ourselves and others to truly feel grief. We often try to turn a magic switch to relieve ourselves and others of the discomfort that comes with feeling grief. I propose that we make a concerted effort to not let “think celestial” become that magic switch we try to use, causing us to dismiss, spiritually bypass (and even judge) the pain that we and others feel.
Not being able to allow ourselves to feel because we are trying to turn off our emotions and just “think celestial” can lead us to downplay the immensity of what we are going through, and judge ourselves for our feelings because we think that feeling grief means we just aren’t “thinking celestial” enough. It can lead us to do the same to our family, friends, and fellow church members.
I believe it is possible for us to develop an eternal perspective, as President Nelson advocates, while ALSO learning to be present with our emotions and the emotions of others here and now. As in all things, Christ is our example. When people mourned, he wept with them. He taught about both the big picture and being present with what is. He showed us how to be present and mourn with people hurting NOW. As we consider the message of the phrase “think celestial”, let’s take the “yes, and” approach and we’ll be healthier for it.
EXTRA NOTES:
* I believe that if general conference talks were reviewed and vetted by a panel of diverse, experienced therapists (based on a criteria of sound mental health principles), that this practice would yield so much good fruit. It would be well worth whatever investment (time, energy, money) was required. IT WOULD SAVE LIVES. I mean it. How many lives have been lost to suicide, influenced greatly by rhetoric in conference talks (talks that are then studied in quorums and classes all year) that unintentionally fed cycles of shame, self-hatred, perfectionism, depression, hopelessness, and feelings of inadequacy. Not to mention the scrupulosity that SO many members are afflicted with, which for some becomes so severe it affects mental/physical health (and again, for some ultimately costs them their lives). Though leaders and teachers cannot fully control the effects/outcomes of their teachings, they can make concerted effort to teach gospel principles in a way that is based on sound mental health principles, recognizing that many in their fold deal with mental illness and/or are very susceptible to it. Conference talks should increase wellbeing, not diminish it. While I know diminished wellbeing is never an intention of the speakers, not being adequately trauma-informed – by the way, this doesn’t just mean hearing about traumas that happen, but becoming educated on the EFFECTS of trauma in mind and body – and not being sufficiently educated on mental health when giving speeches to a global audience can have huge ramifications, especially in this day and age. Ultimately, mind, body, and spirit are connected, so as we seek to nourish the spirit through gospel teachings, we must be mindful so that the approach used does not, unintentionally, compromise overall wellbeing. Becoming trauma-informed will yield immeasurable good fruit as we seek to teach the gospel in our day.
*The talk referenced in this essay is called “Think Celestial” by President Nelson given in the Sunday Afternoon session of General Conference, October 1, 2023
*Stages of Grief (not necessarily in this order): denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. There are many helpful resources out there you can study to learn more about this.
N. Skye is a God-seeking woman who wishes for trauma-informed teachings and practices in all areas of the church. A passionate learner, she’s always seeking to grow her understanding. Her husband and family are her world, and she finds beauty in simple things like the sound of birds, the beauty of flowers, or sharing a hug with a loved one.
Photo by Marcel Ardivan on Unsplash
17 Responses
This was well-written, and the article itself followed its own admonition – “yes, and.”
Thank you, Robin!
Yes to everything you said about a panel of mental health experts reviewing talks!!! Pres. Nelson is my friend’s grandpa — something she doesn’t talk about and something I didn’t know about her for years — I mention this because this sort of thinking permeates her extended family and I can’t wrap my mind around it. It’s rather shocking. Grief at death of a parent was not allowed for my friend because…think celestial. So yes, having a vetted panel review talks would literally save lives now. I have come to the conclusion that it would also help heal inter-generational trauma that gets passed on through unhealed stuff that gets buried by these types of talks.
This breaks my heart to hear of your friend’s pain and the barriers she faced around being able to go through the very necessary process of grief. Thank you for sharing. And yes, incorporating mental health professionals to play an integral role in all levels/areas of the church, including conference talk prep, would do so much good (and prevent unnecessary wounding) for both those living now and for future generations. Thanks for your comment!
“Only Good Vibes”. I’ve been seeing that a lot lately along the Wasatch front-from social media account headers to bumper stickers to doormats. And labeling people with “problems” as “downers” or “toxic”. I worry that we’re seeing the effects of prosperity in the Church just as Thomas Picketty described it in “Capitalism in the 21st Century”- the widening gap between the Haves and Have-nots. I detect efforts of the Haves to protect and justify their place couched in Celestial terms and rules such as Article of Faith 13.
Dana, thanks for your thoughts. Yes, a desire to just keep life comfortable/pleasant (“good vibes only”) should not be the primary guiding star of our life (preventing us from fulfilling our true purpose here). Growing in love, a fundamental part of our existence, requires a willingness to take on the inevitable discomfort that is part of mourning with those that mourn, putting ourselves in one another’s shoes, and lifting the hands that hang down. While optimism is not a bad thing, toxic positivity is unhealthy and creates true barriers in relationships.
Eternal Perspective was the constant catchphrase in the 70s. Nothing new. And very much in denial of the beauty and joy to be found in this Earth life. Besides, as per Pres Oaks about three years ago,”We don’t know what the next life will be like.”
Thanks for your comment. Yes, there is so much beauty to be found in being present in our experiences and relationships in this life.
Yes, thank you for this. And to add, thinking celestial is the source of so much pain when met with complicated family dynamics and life experiences. I for one am terrified of an eternity where I might be silenced and ignored as our Mother in Heaven is.
Thank you for your comment! It is so vulnerable to be open about fears like this that afflict us in very real and deep ways. You make a good point — for some, focusing on eternity can actually be painful because of complex lived realities, family situations, inequitable practices, gaps in doctrine, etc. Sometimes that pain can be practically unbearable and cause real mental anguish, making it mentally unhealthy for eternity to be any kind of primary focus. “Thinking celestial” isn’t a simple issue, and I appreciate you bringing up some of the very real complexities of the topic! Also, I’m so sorry for the fears you expressed. No woman should have to feel this way about eternity. :'( I long for the day when our Mother is viewed/treated as the equal with Father that I believe She is, and for women’s liberation and healing from these kinds of spiritual wounds.
This is one of the best pieces of writing I’ve come across in a long time. It manages to be constructively critical of something that is almost impossible to get right: prophetic teachings. It models the admonition found in D&C 50 of reasoning with each other, and ensuring that those that preach and those that receive the preaching edify each other. It is respecful, bold, grounded in trusted science and in an absence of any sort of accusatory intent. I can’t see how anyone, whoever they are or whatever they thought of President Nelson’s talk, could dismiss these words.
Thanks for this.
Daniel, wow, thank you so much for this very kind and meaningful feedback. It’s a high priority of mine to approach communication in a way that makes space for multiple points of view/realities to be recognized and to speak in a way that (hopefully) does not put others on the defense. It takes effort to communicate this way, so I really appreciate that your comment values that effort.
As a therapist, I spent this past week dealing with lots of pain and grief because of this talk. Thank you for your insights. I would love a trauma sensitive lens to be applied to all talks. It would save lives and reduce suffering.
Heather, thanks for your comment. Also, thank you for all the work you do on the forefront, supporting others in their mental health and helping them navigate the pain they’re experiencing from this and other things. I appreciate your perspective as a therapist and agree that applying a trauma-informed approach in talks would make a real and tangible difference in mental health outcomes and lives in general.
How would you change this talk to be sensitive to mental illness?
I wrote a reply to your question, but didn’t realize it came up as a general comment instead of in response to you. You can see my response below, starting with “Thanks for this question…”
Thanks for this question. While I’m sure there are some specific suggestions that could be helpful, I think my primary suggestions would be more on a fundamental level. I believe that speakers should become trauma informed themselves, learning from mental health professionals about trauma and its effects, scrupulosity and how it shows up in religion, spiritual bypassing, and other topics. Also, working through their own potential traumas/wounding and mental health struggles themselves would make a significant impact as well that I believe can’t be overstated. When these things are understood on a deep level, they inform the way someone approaches/delivers a talk due to the lens of greater awareness of being trauma informed. In other words, they understand how certain things can be interpreted and common struggles and thought patterns that show up for many in their audience and approach things according to and in alignment with that awareness.
That said, one suggestion that could be helpful (with any talk honestly) is to clarify both the intended meanings and the unintended possible interpretations of the message. For example, this could look something like, “Now to clarify, I don’t intend to add to anyone’s burden with this message. And I want to be sure you know that I’m NOT saying that struggling is not ok. I’m not saying that grief is bad. Pain, distress, grief, and disappointment are all both inevitable and fundamental parts of the humans experience. When I say “think celestial” I don’t mean to say “ignore or repress any difficult feelings that come up.” What I AM saying is that AS YOU feel the grief you need to let yourself feel that is part of life, remember to ALSO take moments to reflect on the bigger picture of life’s purpose, the bigger picture of who you are and why you’re here, the love that God has for you. Taking time to zoom out and ponder on the bigger picture can help us better navigate the messiness of the day to day. It has helped me to do so and I believe it can help you too.” Again, I don’t think that any suggestion I could give can replace the gift it is when leaders/teachers/etc to do their own “inner work” of healing their traumas, generational wounds, addressing their own mental health struggles, and learning sound mental health principles. Doing so lays the foundational groundwork that is key to giving sermons/talks/lessons from a trauma-informed place. Thanks again for your question. I appreciated the opportunity to ponder it.
Also, even as we discuss the value of trauma-informed talks, I always want to reiterate the importance of grace in all this as well. We can give all speakers and leaders grace knowing they’re doing their best, even as we discuss how we can all improve our effectiveness. (Not saying you weren’t giving grace, Shelly, just wanted to add that as a general comment.) Thanks!