Guest Post by Nicole. Nicole is an adult convert, a non-Black woman of color, and a professional diplomat. She blogs at nandm.sbitani.com and writes microfiction @nsbitani on Twitter. The content of this post does not represent the views of the U.S. Department of State or any other U.S. Government agency, department, or entity. The thoughts and opinions expressed here are solely those of the author and in no way should be associated with the U.S. Government.
One of the interesting things about being an adult convert, a woman, and the only member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in my family is that I rarely know what’s going on in Elders Quorum. Even still, I sometimes find myself witness to an institutional-scale version of the conversation countless heterosexual couples notoriously have in their home over division of labor and mental load. I don’t even need a Priesthood holder in the home to know that there are unnecessary inequities in church that cannot be found in any Scripture or Handbook.
Specifically, I’ve concluded that outside of clearly defined responsibilities for Elders Quorum and Relief Society there are many additional things that Relief Society takes on – often unconsciously. No wonder so many faithful women are burned out and overwhelmed from Relief Society’s formal callings and informal demands on their time, energy, attention, and work!
One example of this I’ve seen in almost every place I’ve lived is signing up to feed the locally assigned full-time missionaries. In person, well-meaning leaders often circulate sign-up sheets during Relief Society, depriving entire households without women in Relief Society the opportunity to benefit from the missionaries joining them for a meal at home. As we’ve been meeting over Zoom during the pandemic, this Relief Society-exclusive call for missionary meals shifted online. Even as the COVID-19 mitigation restrictions in our country prohibited almost every family in my ward from hosting the missionaries in person and we switched to coordinating takeout deliveries, everyone looked to the women to fulfill the need. I can assure you with great confidence: our brothers are at least as adept at ordering a pizza as our sisters. So why do we remind only sisters to sign up in Sunday meetings, Facebook posts, and periodic emails? Why are the sisters expected to place food orders every time a new cohort of missionaries enters into mandatory quarantine? Many sisters relish these opportunities to serve, but we are depriving worthy men of that same chance to follow the Savior’s example (Luke 22:27) and serve our fellow beings and God (Mosiah 2:17).
Missionary meals is just one example of a phenomenon I’ve seen and heard over and over again. Sometimes, Relief Society takes on work that could be shared with other organizations like Elders Quorum. Other times, sisters feel pressured to live up to unrealistic expectations in their callings or are unfairly compared to others who spent hours on details like party invitations that–though lovely–are not core principles of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have never heard a brother express exhaustion at criticism over the graphic design of an Elders Quorum activity’s branding.
I’m not saying that Relief Society should become just like Elders Quorum, because I don’t think it should. But I do believe we as sisters and leaders should think more carefully about the additional labor we take on in Relief Society and ask ourselves a few key questions before accepting more:
- How does this additional labor or responsibility make me feel? Do I feel like my local leadership respects my time and effort? What answers do I receive when I pray about this assignment?
- How much additional time will this add to my calling and other sisters’ callings?
- Is there a reason this responsibility or volunteer opportunity should fall under the Relief Society alone and not the Elders Quorum or ward as a whole?
- Is this an opportunity where not just the Relief Society but youth or all adults could help?
- Will this additional work cause other, more essential work such as ministering to suffer?
- Am I creating an unrealistic expectation for the next sister who will do this calling or volunteer opportunity?
If we prayerfully consider the above, I am certain we can sanctify and amplify our callings and participation in Relief Society without overwhelming ourselves and other sisters. We should heed the wise words of Jethro to his son-in-law Moses: “The thing that thou doest is not good. Thou wilt surely wear away, both thou, and this people that is with thee: for this thing is too heavy for thee; thou art not able to perform it thyself alone” (Exodus 18:17-18). Sisters: if this thing is too heavy for you, you are not alone. And we don’t have to perform it ourselves alone anymore.
10 Responses
Thank you!!! I have often wondered over the years why clipboards are only circulated in Relief Society. I appreciate the questions you suggested as a way to be more thoughtful in approaching labor with intention rather than mindlessly doing what has always been done.
Thank you for reading!
During the pandemic I was called to be the RS representative on our ward missionary committee, and as we transitioned back to feeding the missionaries I made sure that the EQ had an opportunity to help plan and prepare food for them too. Our ward is responsible for feeding them for one week every two months or so, and next month will be the first time the EQ is completely in charge of all of those meals. (The RS was in charge in June, and of course our compassionate service leader did a great job.) I am excited to see how everything goes for the EQ.
This is so exciting! Maybe there’s hope for the rest of us. 😀
The RS being in charge of food for missionaries is, I think, a symptom of the pervasive patriarchy in the home. The assumptions behind it are 1) only the woman knows the family’s schedule so thoroughly that she can confidently determine when they are available 2) the woman will be doing the meal planning and cooking and therefore should make this call. My husband would never dream of signing us up to feed the missionaries without my input for precisely these reasons. We could have a whole different conversation about the mental and emotional labor behind that. But I think they don’t circulate it in EQ because experience dictates that the men will not sign up because it would only irritate their wives for choosing a bad day or assuming a willingness to prepare a feast.
We have the same problem with Zoom meetings now! The women are constantly inundated with reminders and links for not just Sacrament and Relief Society, but various Sunday School sessions, Primary, YW, and YM. When I asked why it all goes to the women, I was told “it’s just better and easier for them to have it all in one place.” In my view, that’s only the case because the expectation is that woman manage Sunday for the whole household – which doesn’t sound like much of a day of rest to me for her.
I love this article, a great point of view. These are the issues we need to re-think, cultural change is important. Thank you!
Thank you for reading!
This is a great article. So many times people offload requests to the Relief Society without thinking. When I was in an RS presidency, I pushed back on requests that were unreasonable (like, for example, a request that we line up full-time, long-term babysitting for a sister so that she could go to her job … umm no, happy to provide short-term in an emergency but that’s not an emergency or long-term solution) and most of the times when I did people realized “oh you’re right that makes no sense.”
We (including we women) tend not to value women’s time.
You hit the nail on the head with “We (including we women) tend not to value women’s time.”