by Emily Nielsen & Brittany Mallory
Dear Priesthood Leaders,
We both attended the leadership training on Saturday afternoon where four men (and no women) spoke to us about how to lead our organizations. During the Q&A portion with the Area Seventy, Emily asked how to help our young women feel more valued at church. The discussion that followed left us in a whirl of frustration, sadness, and anger. We feel we must “speak up and speak out.” (1)
The doctrine of women’s roles is clear, powerful, and unique. We are equal. We have a Mother in Heaven as our divine female example. As with the Father, we know little about Her, but what we do know suggests a partner of comparable power, authority, creativity, kindness, and grace. (2)
Our early Relief Society sisters operated with great autonomy and power. They marched with suffragists, they independently ran the Relief Society (including the budget, the publications, the staffing) (3), they served missions as doctors and artists so that they could have a “wide and extensive sphere of action and usefulness” – including home, community, and nation. (4)
Joseph Smith and early sisters alike taught that part of the restoration of the gospel was turning the key for women’s progress and ability to have freedom and choice. (5) Joseph “spoke of delivering the keys to this Society” and women were ordained to lead, including as deacons and teachers after the “ancient Priesthood.” (6) The early Saints boldly demonstrated how women should and could participate in the church. Where others limited women’s ability to speak, teach, and lead, our church and its founder promoted the voices and actions of women.
We do not live up to this today, and there is pain as a result.
What was shared in the training was not in line with doctrine and ignored the pain of women and men who are grappling with the blatant sexism that exists in our church today – particularly in archaic and erroneous cultural practices and understandings that we have heard throughout our life. For example:
● The claim that women’s “divine power” is to have children and men’s “divine power” is to be ordained with priesthood authority and be the only ones who hold the keys causes both pain and confusion for many women. This comparison is not only erroneous but inconsistent. Motherhood is the equivalent of fatherhood, not priesthood. Furthermore, this teaching causes intense longing, isolation, and added sorrow for women who can’t have children or aren’t married. Even for women with children, this idea does not help women to feel valued at church, as women with children exist both in and out of the church. In short, it does not explain why men occupy so much of the leading and teaching time within the church, or give spiritual insight for women – mothers or not – who are seeking belonging at church.
● Emphasizing that men and women, including young men and young women, both have access to priesthood power and have similar duties. Statements that try to emphasize our access to priesthood power through our covenants ignore the blatant reality that there still exist major points of visible sexism. Indeed, the most obvious differences still stand: men control the majority of decision rights in the organization, including ultimate decisions about staffing, finances, sacrament meeting, and ward direction. The majority of speaking, teaching, and leading happens by men, and it is men who preside over sacrament meeting and young men who administer the sacrament. Women and young women have eyes to see that there are no female-held callings where women “preside” over men. Women are not Sunday School presidents or in the presidency. Women are not ward clerks. Women are not ward mission leaders. Women are always outnumbered in ward and stake councils. Women are not conducting youth or temple recommend interviews. Women are not present on disciplinary councils. Telling women we can have access to priesthood power through our callings but not extending these meaningful opportunities to women does not offer spiritual insight or further belonging at church.
● Claiming in any way that women are better, more spiritual, or more important than men. While well intentioned, this does not treat women as equal partners or disciples of Jesus Christ who is no respecter of persons. At the same time, it does not treat men as equal partners. It devalues and dishonors their contributions as disciples. For example, the idea that women don’t need anything to enter the temple but men have to be ordained to do so is inconsistent with the doctrine of Christ that “all are alike unto God,” and hurts both men and women (2 Nephi 26:33).
Many individuals made comments trying to explain why these questions (or the original question, of how to help young women feel more valued at church) are not a problem, or that it will get better once the young women go to the temple. These men and women may be well-intentioned, but their repetition of these common talking points comes across as insensitive and condescending to humble seekers of truth.
The Savior answers differently. He cared enough to go through a process of deeply, intimately, and completely understanding the pain and suffering of the one. He sought out the experiences that would help him understand us better. He suffered and suffers along with us, whatever our genuine pain. Surface level answers, like those given in the training, only add pain and confusion for a seeking individual. The gospel is founded on the principle of asking difficult questions and working with God to receive answers.
Stale talking points parroted in the absence of any true insight or care for the questioner on any topic shouldn’t be good enough for disciples of Christ. We should mourn with those who mourn and take their burdens upon us: “Our covenantal assignment is to minister, to lift up the hands that hang down, to put struggling people on our backs or in our arms and carry them.” (7)
All is not well in Zion. As women, mothers, and Young Women leaders, we have received personal revelation that we must work to obliterate these cultural gender norms. We are particularly concerned that many of our younger sisters – who are full of spiritual power and strength – will find it too difficult to reconcile the gaping divide between the doctrine they believe and the actions and behaviors they observe at church. (8)
For many women, including ourselves, it is painful, difficult, and disappointing that it is within the church – where pure doctrine reflects women and men’s equality – that we see, feel, and experience the most inequity. When we operate in our work and academic institutions or within our homes, we are respectfully regarded as whole people. It is only at church that there are limitations placed upon us because of our gender. Our voices, personal revelation, and God-given gifts are underutilized and siloed.
It is not just the women who notice. Increasingly, men are concerned for their wives and their daughters. We hope you are concerned, too.
There is pain that needs healing. While we believe from our experience that ultimate healing comes through the Savior and our Heavenly Parents, we have also felt healing balm from others who have mourned with us and worked toward a better way.
In fact, during the training, in response to a text sent to our bishop that said, “This meeting is tough,” his beautiful and moving response was, “Hang in there. We need you with us. You are seen and heard.” For him and some others to stand and challenge what was said was precisely the balm that was and is needed. Other responses simply communicate, “Your pain is not warranted. We don’t see you.”
We cannot keep feeding women and young women false cultural interpretations of why inequities exist. The only appropriate answer is: I don’t know. We will do everything we can. I’m sorry this is so hard.
“The world’s greatest champion of woman and womanhood is Jesus the Christ.” (9) We are committed to our discipleship to Him and have strong faith in His gospel and atoning sacrifice. Because of this – and as the mothers of three young adult/young women daughters, a three-year-old daughter and an eight-month-old son – we cannot sit by complicit as our daughters, young women, and friends are told that the pain and inequity they observe is not real or valid. I (Emily) will not ever sit quietly again in a room where someone is claiming that my son “needs something extra” in order to understand his worth and make covenants with God.
We are both holding onto the hope that one day soon, things will be better (especially in time for our youth). (10) We believe that speaking up and sharing these insights is part of sustaining you in this effort, and pray you will hear us out.
We share this with deep appreciation of your time, service, and consideration.
With hope in Christ,
Brittany Mallory & Emily Nielsen
- https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2015/10/a-plea-to-my-sisters?lang=eng
- https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics-essays/mother-in-heaven?lang=eng
- https://www.churchhistorianspress.org/the-first-fifty-years-of-relief-society/part-1/1-2/1-2-7?lang=eng
- https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/daughters-in-my-kingdom-the-history-and-work-of-relief-society/a- wide-and-extensive-sphere-of-action?lang=eng
- https://history.churchofjesuschrist.org/training/museum/sisters-for-suffrage/turning-the-key?lang=eng
- https://www.churchhistorianspress.org/the-first-fifty-years-of-relief-society/part-1/1-2/1-2-7?lang=eng
- https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2020/10/31eubank?lang=eng
- We need the strength and vision of our young adult and young women sisters. President Kimball stated, “There is a power in [Relief Society] that has not yet been fully exercised to strengthen the homes of Zion and build the Kingdom of God—nor will it
until both the sisters and the priesthood catch the vision of Relief Society.” Spencer W. Kimball, “Relief Society—Its Promise and Potential,” Ensign, Mar. 1976, 4. - James E. Talmage, Jesus the Christ: A Study of the Messiah and His Mission According to Holy Scriptures, Both Ancient and Modern
- President Spencer W. Kimball, “The Role of Righteous Women,” October 1979
Brava! I add my hope that this powerful letter will be received in the spirit it is offered.
Thank you Beelee! It was received fairly well, though we’re not sure how much change it produced. We keep trying!
“We cannot keep feeding women and young women false cultural interpretations of why inequities exist. The only appropriate answer is: I don’t know. We will do everything we can. I’m sorry this is so hard.”
Yes, this. If I’m telling leaders about struggles I have with inequities, the last thing I need is for someone to try to explain the inequities away and try to convince me that I’m wrong to feel as I do. I’d love to hear them say, “Your questions are valid, and I don’t have any answers. I see your pain. I want you to know that we want you here with us.”
Thanks for this post. I really hope your leaders see it. There’s so much depth and richness here, and church leaders could learn a lot from reading this.
Thank you so much Caroline. We definitely agree…to not be seen and heard is so hard.
Thank you for this! So well said. I just finished reading a short story (more of a novella, really) by Michael Fillerup called “The Year They Gave Women the Priesthood” in a book by the same title, and I think it should be required reading. For men.
I am putting this on my reading list for sure! Thanks for the recommendation.
I always wonder, when we talk about helping the young women feel important and needed in the church, if that wouldn’t just set them up for worse disappointment when they become adults. If the young women were allowed to do something like help pass the sacrament, it just delays the time when they start being treated like second class citizens. Until adult women are actually made equal in the church, how the young women feel is irrelevant. There are ways that this equality could happen, the most obvious would be priesthood ordination for women. But until the adult women are made equal, anything we do for the young women will just be taken away again when they become adults.
So, why do we push for the Young women to be given more? Because then we don’t look selfish asking for something for ourselves? Because we think the adult men might have more empathy for their daughters than they do for their wives? Because we know that letting the YW pass the sacrament will just make them expect to still be important when they marry, and we secretly hope for all the YW to openly rebel?
I just can’t help but think it might be more effective if we just told the YW that they are not important or needed in the church, and they might as well accept their second class status. Or is this just me being angry and cynical that things will ever change?
Super interesting perspective, Anna. Thanks for sharing. As we mentioned in the essay, I think the YW are much more aware of that reality than my generation ever was. We worry that the change is much too slow to show them that they are valued — or at least that their concerns are valid and heard.
This is well written and powerful. Thank you for sharing here! More brave, vulnerable letters to stake presidents, please.
I’m so glad you wrote this. I was actually asked to talk to the incoming young women about helping them see their value in the church, which was nice but…I had to tell the lady that I didn’t see how the church values women. The gospel does (and I can talk about that), but not the church. It’s the men who need to learn to see the value of women in the church. Men are the only ones with the official power to change how the church works. Thank you for sharing your perspective with more men. I hope they hear your words. I hope your example empowers more women to speak up.
And you are right. We do not live up to the vision of women’s value from early church history. Lucy Mack Smith asked to speak in General Conference and she was granted her request. At a time when it was uncommon for women to speak in public! Now that it is common for women to speak in public, it’s still uncommon to hear a woman speak in conference. That just feels like yuck.
Excellent and echoes my own experiences.
This is so good. Very well thought out, heartfelt, and a painful read. I’m sure being in that meeting was heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your words and hearts. I have all the same feelings. I have hope for change. I really hope it’s sooner than later. Thanks to both of you so much!
One of us was fuming and one of us was crying! 🙂 It was rough for a lot of women there, but strangely some of the worst comments came from other women which added to how hard the meeting was.
This is well spoken and powerful. I have spent a lot of energy similarly speaking up because I have felt called to do so, but I am exhausted and find myself falling more into cynicism as my personal revelation is doubted and disregarded and my cries (whether of pain and desperation or hope and inspiration) have continually fallen on deaf ears. It’s getting to the point where I wonder if I even want my daughter to stay in this church at all, and yet I am running out of energy to set a better example for her, whether in staying or in leaving. I am simply becoming apathetic because existing as a women in the Church so often just feels hollow, but I continue to go through the motions because I don’t have the energy for anything else.
Tracy, I’m right there with you. It’s hard. You’ve described that feeling so well. I think your experiences could make a great guest post, if you’ve got the emotional energy for it.
https://exponentii.org/submit-a-guest-post/
I feel similarly, Tracy. It feels hopeless and definitely energy depleting. Thank you for sharing your thoughts — sending a virtual hug of solidarity to you!
I’m grateful for the wisdom of my daughter, now 35, who left church activity by the time she was 20. She saw the sexism for what it is and could see that there was no future for a young woman in the church. She wasn’t wrong. No one should have to wait for the leaders of oppressive, insulting systems to get comfortable with change before anything actually changes.
Our YW need to be taught the history of polygamy, JS’s three dozen wives, the Church Essay on polygamy, that we still have plural sealings in our temples, and that endgame of the LDS version of heaven is patriarchal order with a plurality of wives. No woman EVER deserved to be a plural wife. Unless, they are excited about a Mormon future, they should avoid the temple.
This letter hits so many points. I’ve been in similar situations. One thing that came to mind while reading this letter is how often the supportive male is quiet in these situations. We need the men who recognize the harmful acts to use their place of privilege to stop them. They may be willing to text their condolences but until they have the courage to stand up, verbally acknowledge this is not appropriate and shift the conversation mid-stream, there will be no change.
Totally agree — thanks for your comment. I will say that there were multiple men in the audience who said very supportive things during and after, even more than the women in the room. One bishop mentioned how they called a sister to some kind of (made up!) calling and went to bishopric meetings so they had a woman’s voice, for example. I’m pretty sure our bishop said something, as did a couple others. As I mentioned in another reply, the most egregious comment by far was said by a woman. It was really disheartening.
So well written, heartfelt, and true. Until good men are willing to risk speaking up and advocating, however, the status quo will never change.