by Myla Godbout
Moroni 7
45 And charity suffereth long, and I mean suffereth, even if he tells me he’s not attracted to me anymore during marriage therapy and then denies ever saying it when I am alone with him.
and is kind, even if he demands sex with me when I have a fever and I know there will be emotional consequences for not having sex with him every time I refuse, no matter how cruel he has been prior to his request.
and envieth not, even when he gets to buy himself the latest iPhone and iPad because he is the important one in the family.
and is not puffed up, even when I was called to be Stake Young Women President in the Cambridge Stake but had to tell the leader that I was moving to another stake. The calling would have been “higher-ranking” than any calling he had ever received.
seeketh not her own, when he gets to go to graduate school and I have to pay for it and give up going to graduate school to support his career not realizing that he would isolate me and later tell me not to work as I’m showing interest in becoming a nurse. Later, after I divorce him, I won’t have any marketable skills.
is not easily provoked, even when he blames me for everything.
thinketh no evil, even when he ignores me every morning as I say “Goodmorning, honey. How did you sleep?”
and rejoiceth not in iniquity when I secretly wish he would leave me and my children so we could finally enjoy a peaceful life without him.
but rejoiceth in the truth, because someday, I keep hoping, God will show me that the man I married really is a nice man who won’t hurt me just because he hates himself.
beareth all things, which means that I do all the housework, run the business, communicate with family, pay the bills, do all the yard work- even chop up the fallen trees, plow the snow, help the kids, make all the meals, take up the slack when he has church callings and clean the toilets during my entire marriage.
believeth all things, even make excuses for him to everyone when he is in a bad mood.
hopeth all things, even by going to the temple every week with him in case it might make him stop being so cruel and unkind.
endureth all things even if I develop night-time PTSD because of the multitude of horrible things he did to me during the nighttime, while I was asleep.
46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth, even if I am being abused by my most intimate partner. Because if I leave him, my community will reject me and I’ll wish I had another husband. This community does not accept divorced people. This community will only witness me if I’m shot by my abusive partner.
Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail— especially a broken and abused woman.
47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever because someday my abusive husband will be resurrected and he will say he is sorry and stop hurting me and my children and then we will all heal and he will finally see how wonderful I really am;
and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him so don’t give up on him, stay in my toxic marriage, even if it kills me.
48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ. This love is what kept me beaten down and traumatized. Now because I prayed for this love, I can say that I loved a psychopath; I don’t know what if feels like to be loved by anyone else, but I’m an expert at forgiving. I’ll pray for that love even if my son keeps an axe by his bed and props a chair under the front door handle and I use a keyed lock on my bedroom door after I file for divorce.
that ye may become the sons of God– but he would tell me that really, women are to develop this love, not the men;
that when he shall appear we shall be like him, even crucified within my abusive marriage and once again crucified in my community for my subsequent divorce,
for we shall see him as he is: a scapegoat, which I willingly became because I was trying to be like Christ;
that we may have this hope and ignore all the abuse;
that we may be purified even as he is pure not even knowing who I am anymore.
Amen.
The author attended BYU in the 90’s, received a Music Education degree with honors and raised 2 now young-adults and live near Boston, MA. She recently divorced an abusive man and expects to attend a Master’s Degree Program to become a Physician Assistant.
This is a little too close to home for me to comment rationally. So, I will keep it short. The church has got to stop telling victims of abuse that God wants them to forgive, love, and stay with their abuser. Yes, forgiveness and love are all good, but not as requirements used to keep men in power even when they are abusing women. The temple marriage is more important than the woman’s life or spiritual well being. The church even expects this love, forgive and pretend nothing happened of sexually abused children. Yup, been there done that, hated the church for it. And they keep insisting that the abuser’s right to confidentiality is more important than the child’s safety. As if women and children are nothing but appendages of the all important man they are connected to, and all that is important is his wants. Makes me sick.
As this post points out, their lack of compassion for abused women and children makes a mockery of every good thing they ever say.
As long as church organization requires women go through men to access God this will never be corrected. There are no words to describe how truly horrifying this women’s experience has been, and unfortunately she is not alone. My heart breaks for every woman, child and man for whom patriarchy and church organization reinforce abuse, coercion, violence and systemic inequality.
This hit really close to home for me too. I have spent the last few years learning more about myself and who I am and the environment that I want in our family (outside of church in counseling) because the church teachings weren’t generating that environment for me.
My marriage has pre-occupied attachment, RSD tendencies, and parent-child components that have made me the “provider”, “presider” and “nurturer” to an above average degree. To be honest, I am still in horror about (and I am not sure which is more horrifying actually), the fact that this became main themes in my life or the fact that “what wasn’t supposed to happen to me” happens to most women who actually care about others and are “good people”.
I have decided that “Practicing Charity (A way of Being Generous)” is super expensive (and valuable) – whether it is in physical, mental, or emotional resources. Because the question in a variety of settings up winds up being “Charity (Generosity)” vs “Survival/Self-Interest” – “Survival/Self-Interest” usually wins. It gets complicated because cultural training for women has rewarded women for “being generous/being seen as generous” to the point where individual survival/self interest for women is seen as “being generous/long-suffering, etc.”.
The only man I know who was explicitly rewarded culturally for his generosity & charity is Scrooge from “A Christmas Carol” and really, the visitations from the 3 spirits made the case that Mr. Scrooge couldn’t afford to be “miserly” anymore – and he was rich enough to afford it:)
[And it’s a story – also a story designed to elevate people].
This is gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, beautifully written, and so important to be said. Thank you for writing this.
Harrowing and heartbreaking and makes me so angry.