Me: They say there’s no atheists in the foxhole, and once again I have found myself in a foxhole. I’m tired. So very tired. I don’t know what else to do, but something inside me tells me that prayer is still meaningful.

HM: The meaning of your prayer is up to you. Actions make prayers honest.

Me: You keep saying that, but I have so little control over my life, my community, my environment, my future, my death.

HM: You have more influence than you think.

Me: Then help me. Tell me what to do. I am supposed to give hugs at the Conference Center tomorrow, but I don’t want to. I’m so angry. They don’t deserve my hugs. They don’t get to sustain the brethren with one arm and then hug me with the other. They will think that a hug means everything is alright. Everything is not alright.

HM: My daughter, I blessed you with a quick mind and an even quicker tongue. I also blessed you with a great capacity to love. You know how to love beyond boarders. You love in ways that defy convention and there will be those that find your love queer, but you are a lover, not a fighter. Do what you do best. Love.

Me: I can’t. They pointed at my love and called it “sin.” They called me “a challenge of the flesh.”

HM: Show them otherwise. Show them love.

Me: Can’t someone else go?

HM: If not you then who?

Me: Anyone.

HM: You are not just “anyone,” my daughter.

Me: Are you forcing me to go?

HM: No. You always have your agency and I love you no matter what you choose.

Me: Haven’t I forgiven seventy times seven? Haven’t I turned the other cheek?

HM: The victors will not be those who threw the hardest punches. The victors will be those that stood for love despite the punches. Love wins. Love always wins. You know this.

Me: You make it sounds so simple.

HM: Simple, maybe. Easy, no. But you are not alone. There are others. Find them and gather them up. I have sent my queer children to prepare the way for new revelation concerning love.

Me: Very well. Thy will be done.

HM: No. Thy will be done. The choice is yours, but with me all things are possible.

❤️

Blaire Ostler is a philosopher and leading voice at the intersection of queer, Mormon, and transhumanist thought. She is a board member and former CEO of the Mormon Transhumanist Association, the world’s largest advocacy network for the ethical use of technology and religion to expand human abilities. She presents and writes on many forums and speaks at conferences promoting authentic Mormonism. Blaire holds a degree in design from the International Academy of Design and Technology-Seattle. She is currently pursuing a second degree in philosophy with an emphasis in gender studies.