I have a recurring dream/nightmare where I’m lost in the temple. These dreams started several years before I went through the temple for my endowment and then continued after.
The dreams come about once or twice a year.
In the dream I’m attending the temple. I turn the wrong way down a corridor, and then spend the rest of the dream trying to find my way back.
Nothing malicious or scary ever happens in these dreams. It’s just me wandering around trying to find my way back. There are long corridors and sometimes some unusual rooms. Once there was a waterfall cascading down the stairs in an endowment room with theater style seating – that was weird.
I always thought these dreams were tied to my anxiety around the temple. In real life I’m afraid of not knowing where to go inside the temple. I’m often afraid of getting lost. Whenever I go to the temple, even if it’s one I’ve been to before, I will check with EVERY temple worker to make sure I’m going the right way toward the dressing room, the chapel, the restrooms, the exit, etc.
So it makes sense that I’d have dreams that play out my fear of taking a wrong turn.
However, now I think these dreams represent something more. I think these dreams represent that I feel lost theologically when I’m in the temple.
I’ve been trying to make sense of the temple ever since my first endowment session in 2007. There was so much information to process: The clothes, the symbols, the actions, the standing, the sitting, the extra clothes, removing the extra clothes only to put them on again, the words, the repetitiveness, the movement between rooms, etc.
It was a lot.
I tried so hard to understand it. I figured I could understand it. I was born into a multi-generation LDS family that went to church every week. I went to Girls Camp every year. I graduated from Seminary. I’d read the Book of Mormon countless time. Also, I’m a smart person. I got good grades in tough subjects at school. I’d learned to analyze poetry, to solve multivariable equations, and write essays on the French Revolution. The temple was just another complex thing to learn about.
But on that first visit all I ended up with was a headache.
“Don’t worry about it,” My soon-to-be husband said, “It’s weird for everyone on the first visit. Just go more often, it will eventually make sense.”
But no matter how hard I tried to understand the temple it never really made sense.
No One To Talk To
One of the problems was that there was no one to talk to about the temple. I’d taken temple prep and I guess everyone assumed that class had all the answers. But I wanted some sort of post-endowment class. One where someone said, “Okay, now that you’ve been through the temple we can talk about what certain things mean.” But there was NOTHING like that.
I was told not to talk about the temple outside of the temple. It was too sacred. There was nowhere I could go to bring up my questions. I assumed I was the only one with questions. I thought that my questions must be a sign of spiritual weakness. Maybe there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t understand or enjoy the temple like everyone else seemed to be doing.
So I did what my husband and so many other people suggested, I tried to go more often. I hoped that things would start to make sense. But I was just as confused. Concentrating hard to try to understand things resulted in headaches. After a while I found it was best if I didn’t try to pay attention when I went to the temple. I’d zone out and wish for it to be over soon.
Changes Without Explanation
The other problem was that the temple kept changing. For a long time I didn’t see the changes as a problem. Some of the changes were slight. I first went through an endowment session in May of 2007. There was a lot of standing in that first session. At some point in the next few months the church changed things so there was less standing.
Other changes were big. In 2019 Eve’s covenantal relationship with God was completely reworked. That represented a huge change in theology. We were instructed not to talk about it outside the temple though.
Here’s a sampling of the things that changed over the years after I received my endowment. These aren’t in any sort of order.
- The movies were updated.
- One whole section of adding the extra clothes was eliminated.
- Eve talked more.
- The movies were changed to a slide show.
- We didn’t take our shoes off just to put them right back on.
- Jesus Christ’s earthly mission was more prominent
I applauded each of these changes. I felt they showed progress. Things were getting streamlined. Revelation was bringing the ceremony into a more enlightened state. Whoever was in charge cared about our comfort.
I thought things would keep on improving. Maybe I’d eventually understand everything related to the ceremony.
As I look back at all these changes I see that while they represented progress they were actually hurting my understanding of the temple. The changes themselves were fine. It was the way they were done that was the problem.
The changes were barely acknowledged. A statement “from the First Presidency” would be read at the beginning of the session. It would state that changes were made to the endowment from time to time. Then the session would start and everyone would just take in the changes as they came. After it was over everyone would be in the Celestial Room having whispered conversations about how “that was SO much better!” People would say things like, “I understand things clearer!”
I’d be happy. And happy was good.
But underneath the happy – in a place I didn’t acknowledge – were questions. Why were things the way they were for so long? What prompted this change? Why did I have to struggle through the old way of doing things if it wasn’t actually necessary? Will there be more changes? Who makes these decisions? Is there a way to talk to them about this?
No wonder I was having recurring dreams about being lost in the temple. I WAS lost in the temple.
The changes were good, but they were the equivalent of new doors being added. Or long hallways opening to new rooms. They were like stadium seating in the endowment room with a waterfall cascading down the stairs. I had no one to explain what these new additions meant or why they were there.
And that brings us to the present. Two weeks ago the church released updated temple recommend questions about the wearing of the Temple Garment. The Temple Recommend interview will now include a statement that will be read to everyone seeking a recommend.
The first sentence reads: “The garment of the holy priesthood reminds us of the veil in the temple, and that veil is symbolic of Jesus Christ.”
I couldn’t believe it when I read that statement. I’d never been taught that the garment represented the veil of the temple or that the veil is a symbol of Jesus Christ. Yet this statement was so matter of fact about this new theology. The statement made it seem like this was common knowledge. It’s like the statement was saying, “didn’t you know this? You must have missed it because you weren’t paying attention. Or maybe you didn’t go enough? It’s really quite clear if you’d read this certain book. Why is this new to you?”
As I’ve worked through my feelings about this latest change – in a long line of changes that were barely talked about – I realize I’m done with feeling lost in the temple.
As long as the temple is a mysterious place that isn’t fully explained, as long as it’s a place where I can’t ask questions, as long as it’s a place where I feel spiritually deficient for having questions, as long as it’s a place where changes happen with barely an explanation, then I’m out. I’m not going there.
I’m done returning to a place where I’m supposed to learn things without being given a guide or instructor. I’m done with feeling like I’m somehow less than because I have questions about something that has never been explained to me.
I’m done wandering in ever changing corridors.
Photo by Robin Schreiner on Unsplash
22 Responses
I can relate.
I had been an endowed, family history researcher, temple-goer for years before being sealed to my husband. I had a very specific conversation with him post-engagement and pre-sealing where I told him that I understood that I was making a promise in the sealing process to “obey” him and that I was letting him and God know at the time that I was “never going to blindly obey him” and that I was going to phone-in that promise as part of the sealing process.
It has always bothered me that I felt I had to start that very specific conversation with those boundaries on what I was and wasn’t going to do in the future with my husband (and basically hoping that God was listening and withholding the thunderbolts). I do not regret having that conversation, because that conversation made it possible for me to participate in the sealing process.
It’s not the “brick that broke the camel’s back” so to speak, but just 1 of many instances where what was offered to me was not what was useful, inspirational, or helpful for me and my personal development and/or in line with my personal values of “Equality (or at least Shared Power)” and “Accommodations (diversity in supports instead of a 1-size-fits-all approach)”.
A related question now 17+ years later is, “What the heck did I actually promise my husband, God, and myself in that moment” – which bears minimal resemblance to what the State of California assumes I promised at that time.
Thank for you all your comments Amy. I’d never been to a sealing before being sealed to my husband so I had no idea the specifics of the covenants before hand. And I don’t even remember what was said. Did I covenant to obey (or harken)? I don’t know.
At the time I was fine with all that, but now I’m deeply uncomfortable with the whole process and that the only word I said was “Yes.”
I have similar dreams, only they are more nightmares where not only am I lost, but panicked, running and desperately looking for a way out. Of course, I went through the temple back in the 70s when there were still penalties. We got to do an action symbolic of slitting out throat. So, I suppose there was reason to be afraid. And the whole temple seemed to have nothing to do with Christ or the atonement. Signs and tokens to get us past angels was NOT Christian. I hated the sexism as if I was nothing personally to God and my husband was my only connection to God. The trapped feeling is because it is hard to be a member in good standing and refuse to go to the temple, and temple theology is a big part of the religion, so I was more or less trapped with the temple theology as part of the whole church experience. So as part of my escaping the temple and everything associated with it, I stopped attending church at all. I stopped short of having my name removed. But the dreams have gone away.
Anna, that is so scary. It’s so terrible how the temple can have such a hold on us even in our sleep. Trapped is a good word for it. I’m glad your dreams have stopped.
I relate to this SO much. This is exactly how I’ve felt in the temple.
I’ve been trying to talk about my feelings on changes around the garment and been met with nothing but “nothing has changed. It’s always been this way! Obviously!” And I feel like I’m going crazy. How can I be the only one who feels the shift?! How can everyone else just go along without questions or confusion?
Like you, I’m done with the temple right now. I don’t need to add to my anxiety and sadness. I’m finding spirituality and connection with God in other ways that don’t leave me feeling gaslit or trampled on.
I’m glad I’m not the only one, but yeah it’s so frustrating when everyone else seems just fine with the changes.
Maybe Hotel California is about the temple
Okay this might have blown my mind. I will NEVER listen to that song the same way again.
So well articulated. Thank you. I have similar experiences with the temple. Unfortunately, the structure of the church is built with the assumption that the problem is the individual not the institution. This permeating idea is so confusing until it’s not.
Yes, it’s so easy to blame myself for something that I ultimately had no control over.
I hear you and totally agree. If you do The deep dive into church history, the actual priesthood restoration becomes pretty sketchy. Most everything in the temple has its base in Freemasonry, which Joseph borrowed heavily, and made in his own image. We don’t need ordinances that use the keys to heaven, when God didn’t lock the door. I believe that they are placing tremendous emphasis on temples right now, so that they can justify building more, because the real estate arm of the corporation seems to be running the corporation. They want members on board with going more, more, more, to justify it.
“We don’t need ordinances that use the keys to heaven, when God didn’t lock the door.” I’m going to keep that line in mind if I get asked why I don’t have a current temple recommend.
You highlighted one of my biggest pet peeves about the temple, which is that it’s generally understood that “we don’t talk about the temple outside the temple” yet there isn’t really a place to talk about the temple inside the temple either. In effect, the rule is really “we don’t talk about the temple”.
Of course we can whisper a little in the celestial room, but having conversations is generally discouraged there as well since it’s meant to be a place for quiet contemplation apparently. But even then, who is there to talk to there? Often you’ll be alone, or best case scenario would be a friend, spouse, or family member who probably doesn’t know any more than you do because who would they have learned it from?
What people do say about the temple (outside the temple) is that they learn something new every time they go or that they are gradually learning the secrets behind the symbolism. Whether or not that’s really true, I can safely say that dozens of trips to the temple and concerted efforts to get revelation or some sort of understanding have not yet given me answers to any of the questions I started out with years ago.
It’s so frustrating. The only person I felt comfortable talking to about my questions was my husband. And he didn’t know any more than me. So yeah, we’d have those whispered conversation in the Celestial Room – when I was completely wrung out- and he couldn’t answer any of my questions.
I used to attend the temple very regularly. But after a crisis of faith I stopped and attended only when couples in my family were married and occasionally to hear new changes/attempt to renew my joy in the place.
After learning of the new temple recommend question change and hearing sis Dennis’s talk which was so explicit concerning symbolism and meaning (all of which I never took away from my temple going days, though I had plenty of other meanings which brought me comfort) I went to the temple again for the first time in about a year in an attempt to build a testimony. I was struck with how different the wording was and it was very black and white. “This means this. That means that.” And gave very little room for your own interpretations.
While the experience wasn’t all bad—some of the changes are very good and leave me with hope for the future of this church, I was left with a lot of sadness overall. I left feeling this is another area where my thoughts were controlled and choice is taken from me. Specifically the choice to interpret things as I wish which was always one of the good things about the temple.
I want to like the temple but it is becoming a symbol of manipulation to me instead of a symbol of peace.
Thanks for sharing all this.
I agree the temple is starting to feel like a symbol of manipulation instead of a symbol of peace. But maybe it’s always been that way and we are just seeing it the true colors after all this time.
My favorite temple preparation book was A House of Glory by Michael S. Wilcox. It taught me that attending the temple is doctrinally significant, and that a personal relationship with God & family can be amplified through temple attendance.
I had an experience, also newly endowed in 2007, where I was in a difficult mood — so I decided to try to metabolize it by going to the temple. Maybe God could transform my prickly heart. I walked over a mile to get there because I didn’t have a car & my mood prevented me from asking for help. While there, as an answer to prayer, some of the symbolism came alive for me. It made it easier to remember the sequence & was a tender mercy from God. What I learned, symbolically, is represented by this quote from David A. Bednar. “In the holy temples, what we learn and promise to do changes us from the inside out, enabling us to become more devoted disciples of Jesus Christ.” Luckily, a friend gave me a ride home, as my feet were sore from walking in dress shoes. I cried tears of gratitude in the temple endowment room that day, God turned my sourness into a softened heart.
I was able to chat about what I learned, along with some of the symbolism others had gathered up to that point in time in a celestial room chat between friends, where I heard anything can be discussed (which isn’t quite true, either). I learned things that I hold still.
A strength of symbolism is that it’s personal. This is also a source of subjectiveness.
I wish that our culture had more enthusiasm and transparency around sharing personal perspective and meaning. My enthusiasm and observations makes attending the temple and seeing changes a bit of a thrill. I love the part they changed from a “shall not,” to a “shall” for example. Other changes also made me realize that my way of being isn’t a direct contradiction to God’s way of being. I had confirmation years ago about God’s sense of humor and I am grateful the temple aligns more with this, now.
I don’t know why I get answers to prayers & people willing to chat with me and hear my insights when others do not.
I don’t think the God who accompanies me in the temple is an elitist. I think it’s just one more avenue where I can come and learn at His feet and feel chosen: like He is choosing me and I am choosing Him. I don’t think this is exclusive to the temple.
I will explain my take on Christ being symbolized by the veil. An “explanation” has been added to the endowment session, not just the temple recommend statement. Christ offers a gift Sister Dennis explained, “When Adam and Eve partook of the fruit and had to leave the Garden of Eden, they were given coats of skins as a covering for them. It is likely that an animal was sacrificed to make those coats of skins—symbolic of the Savior’s own sacrifice for us. Kaphar is the basic Hebrew word for atonement, and one of its meanings is “to cover.” Our temple garment reminds us that the Savior and the blessings of His Atonement cover us throughout our lives. As we put on the garment of the holy priesthood each day, that beautiful symbol becomes a part of us.”
The symbolism between the garment and the veil has been noted in endowment sessions since my first experience in 2007. Christ giving the gift of the covering — led me (years ago, before the wording changes you quoted) to understand the literal covering of Christ, doesn’t occur through by clothing (that’s just symbolic), but through communion achieved through His atonement. In my opinion, it’s most important to be literally covered by Christ, instead of just symbolically covered. These things are not interchangeable.
There are promises in the temple that lead me to believe that these “coverings” go together — and that has also been my lived experience.
Even if my explanation were helpful, you still pose excellent questions:
“Why were things the way they were for so long? What prompted this change? Why did I have to struggle through the old way of doing things if it wasn’t actually necessary? Will there be more changes? Who makes these decisions? Is there a way to talk to them about this?”
I don’t know that answers from a human are as satisfying as those from heaven or someone with actual position/authority/impact, but I have heard of people asking these questions, and more of the temple presidency or matron. I know I’d welcome a chat with anyone who can and wanted to attend the temple and talk in the celestial room. I do this with my husband and plan on doing it with my children. I want a culture of depth and disclosure and plan on creating that.
I miss some of the symbolism that “went away” with some of these changes.. but to the extent I remember, the beauty of it sticks with me. To reuse the expression of Sister Dennis, the symbols of the temple “[become] a part of us.” While the symbolism is a type or shadow, there are literal impacts that I cannot disentangle from my life, worship, and relationship with God.
Thank you for sharing your experience, heart and what you would like. I think it’s beautiful to make a stand for something better, and certainly to share your story.
I hope to be able to have the impact I imagine.
There’s also a book to check out if you are into research: Temples of the Most High by Lundwell. You want 5th edition or earlier. It has some cool explanations for symbols and meanings.
Such an interesting perspective! I’m probably on the other side of the spectrum and would prefer that the church interpret less and less for me. The more implicit the church gets in telling me what to believe spiritually, or how to see things, the more frustrating I find it. When I was younger I used to get so mad that we didn’t have more information about Heavenly Mother and now I am of the opposite mind. I don’t want our white Utah male clergy telling me anything about Her. I know they’d just put her in a box and cut her down into a small being. I’m actually hoping we head more in this direction of not feeling we have to tell everyone what everything means or how to interpret meaning in general. Side note—Charlotte Condie on Instagram did a deep dive on the symbols of the compass and square in Eastern mythology and it was so eye opening that it made me grateful that those symbols can be interpreted in various ways.
Thank you for this great article!!! I believe that the temple was intended originally for polygamy. It’s not proven yet, but in time I think it will come out. When Joseph first started practicing polygamy he had to keep it secret from everyone including Emma and Hyrum. At that time the relief society was actually rooting out polygamy, which is why Brigham disbanded it when he took power. The tokens, secrecy, masonry, were designed to control the women especially so that they would keep it secret. It’s the same god that wrote D&C 132. The god of Mormonism was always very nice, until he had to threaten Emma’s life due to her reluctance to practice polygamy. The garments are believed to also be a sign that you may be practicing polygamy (speculation). But the fact is that the degrees of glory came to be in the same section as D&C 132. The celestial kingdom was created as an incentive for polygamy. The early church leaders preached the only way to get there was through polygamy. You can’t separate the temple from polygamy.
This might also be the reason that Joseph smith and the others took their garments off before they were killed in Carthage. FAIR claims it’s because they didn’t want the garments to be seen by gentiles, but it’s more likely that the garments were evidence of a secret society of polygamy that he didn’t want linked to himself.