At a recent general conference, it was noted that more than half of the adult members of the church are unmarried. Look around your ward. Are half of the adults in sacrament meeting single? If your ward is anything like the wards I’ve been in, the answer is almost certainly no. A big reason for that is that the church can be a hostile place for singles. As a single person who is too stubborn to accept the invitation to go away, I’ve compiled a list of things not to say to single people at church. These may sound over the top, but I assure you, I’ve repeatedly heard some variation on each of them.
1. Don’t worry! I know someone who got married at [insert age]!
This age is inevitably at least 5 years younger than I currently am. I’m happy for your friend, truly, but just because they did doesn’t mean that I will. It might happen, and it might not.
2. Why aren’t you married?!
I don’t know. Only God knows, and God hasn’t seen fit to tell me. We all enter this world single; it’s the default state of humanity. It doesn’t need justification or explanation. It just is.
3. You’re too picky!
The selection of a spouse is among the most important decisions in life, especially when we teach that marriage transcends death and lasts for eternity. This is not a time to lower one’s standards. Plus, I feel bad for the spouse of anyone who says this – are you saying you lowered your standards?
4. You can always get married in the afterlife!
When you say this, what we hear is that there’s nothing for us here and we’re better off dead. Just don’t. Please.
5. Anything that insinuates that life’s wisdom and true adulthood are imparted upon marriage
We’re not overgrown adolescents. We’re full-fledged adults. I have a degree, a job, and a mortgage. I have to change my oil, rake my leaves, pay my bills, and clean my toilets just like you do. I’m more similar to a 40 year old married person than a 20 year old single person. If you married young, your memories that you’re attributing to single life are really memories of young adulthood. We’ve progressed through life’s milestones the same as you have; we’re not frozen in time at whatever age you were when you got married. Also, it’s absolutely insulting to have mid-singles activities “chaperoned” by a 20 year old newlywed as if grown 30- and 40-somethings aren’t already adults.
6. My husband travels for work a lot, so that’s like being single!
No, it isn’t. You get status in the church. You get a second paycheck coming in. You have a partner to share life’s challenges with. You get tax breaks!
7. Have you tried online dating?
Yes. Or No. But I can assure you we’ve heard of it and made an informed decision for ourselves.
8. You need to try harder!/It will happen when you least expect it!
I’ve heard both of these contradictory statements. I’ve had periods of trying harder and periods of not expecting it. Neither one resulted in a husband. We’re stuck in a situation where no matter what we do, married people will judge us as not having done the right thing.
9. Any speculation on someone’s sexual orientation
There are straight people who are single. There are gay people who are single. There are bisexual people who are single. There are people of other orientations who are single. And if someone wants you to know their orientation, they’ll tell you. Otherwise, mind your own business.
10. You’re too smart/accomplished/educated/wealthy to attract a man.
Well, that’s kind of insulting to all the married women out there, isn’t it? Plus, I don’t want a man I have to be small for. I want someone who loves me for who I am, not in spite of it.
11. We’ll just have the singles provide XYZ for this activity. They have plenty of extra time!
We work. We manage a household. And we have nobody to share the load with. We have the same 168 hours per week that you do. Most of us are willing to do our fair share to build up God’s kingdom, but we shouldn’t have to do everyone else’s share, too.
Now that we’ve covered what not to say, let’s cover what to say:
Hello! How are you? What’s going on in your life? Have you read any good books/seen any good movies/started any fun hobbies lately? Basically anything you would say to a friend of any marital status. We’re people and we want to be talked to like people, not like some dreaded “other”. We have good days and bad days just like you do. We have interesting things about ourselves. Our entire life isn’t reducible to just “single”.
One of the great commandments is to love our neighbors as ourselves. That includes our single neighbors.
14 Responses
Love your post. This line really stayed with me, because (if I’m reading it correctly) it shows that people who have no clue what you’re talking about have been quick to cast doubt on these experiences, which are familiar to many singles in the Church: “These may sound over the top, but I assure you, I’ve repeatedly heard some variation on each of them.” Thanks for sharing, and I hope people take your excellent advice to heart.
Thanks! When I was preparing for this post, I asked a group of single friends for ideas on what to include. I ended up with 65 responses.
“I’m more similar to a 40 year old married person than a 20 year old single person.”
BOOM. So obvious, but still so necessary to say. Thanks for this, Trudy. I never experienced the mid-singles scene, but every time there’s a fireside or GC talk directed towards single people by some dude who got married at the age of 21, I want to throw things. It’s so patronizing and “other”ing. Thank you for these insights and suggestions.
I’m glad you’re too stubborn to accept the invitation to go away. People forget that the Gospel is for everyone and Jesus never turned anyone away. This is your church too.
Thanks. My current ward is thankfully really great about including single people. It’s a refreshing change.
Excellent post! This is a short handy piece to give to Church leaders when they are insensitive to single people.
“You need to go back to your husband. You shouldn’t have left him “ —I got that one as a divorced woman, always from men.
I was 16 when my Grandmother told a distant cousin to just get married. Even at that age, I knew that was easier said than done.
What TO say = anything you would to a friend, regardless of marital status?
THIS THIS THIS A THOUSAND TIMES THIS. We’re adults first, single second.
Great post, Trudy. I’m sorry about all the condescension by married people toward single people. I particularly appreciate this point that you made, which is so spot on especially in Mormon culture where a lot of people get married so young:
“If you married young, your memories that you’re attributing to single life are really memories of young adulthood.”
[…] this week, Trudy wrote a fantastic post with tips on what not to say to singles. She points out that these are not far-fetched anomalies, […]
“I’m more similar to a 40 year old married person than a 20 year old single person.” This one. Over the years of trying to receive counsel from bishops about managing sexuality as a single Latter-day Saint, they have inevitably counseled me as if I were a 16-year-old, often, I’ve reflected, after having woken up next to his wife that morning and shared a meal and a snuggle with her the night before. I now refuse to try to counsel with church leadership on anything meaningful. The attitudes and rhetoric are more harmful than helpful.
[…] that in mind, Exponent II blogger Trudy crafted a list of things NOT to say to single people at church. Here is […]
All the points on here are so accurate, it hurts. But I especially liked #3. Whenever someone says, “you’re too picky,” I always want to respond with, “you mean you weren’t?” – preferably with their spouse standing right next to them. The notion that I – or any single person – should have to settle for **anyone** while the people who were fortunate enough to be married by 21 were allowed to have sky-high standards is ludicrous to me.
I would add another point to your list: do **not** under **any** circumstances tell a single woman that she needs to be more open to marrying a single father and becoming a stepmother. Marriage to a single father and taking on the role of stepmother is not for the faint of heart or the faint of wallet. Horror stories about women who’ve taken this on abound, and there are just too many premeditated resentments. Too often, marriage to a single father and taking on the stepmother role results in heartbreak, a dysfunctional marriage, strained family relationships, and the stepmother’s biological children being left in the dust while her stepchildren and husband’s ex-wife get everything they want. The majority of these marriages end in divorce. It is wrong to pressure a woman who does not want to take all that on into such a life.
Marriage to a single father and becoming a stepmother are huge commitments and not everyone is suited to those tasks. That is perfectly okay. If a married person knows a single woman who has decided for herself that this is not the path for her to take, **respect** her decision.