Trigger warning: Discussing of domestic violence

Note: In this I will be using female pronouns to discuss abuse victims and male pronouns to discuss perpetrators.  However, anyone can be a victim of domestic violence regardless of gender, and anyone can be a perpetrator.

Domestic violence is a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.  Although the word “violence” often implies physical aggression, domestic violence also encompasses controlling behavior that involves no aggressive touching at all.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) website has a short article on spiritual abuse, which I will quote at length here:

“You may not be aware of… spiritual (or religious) abuse.  If it’s discussed at all, most examples of spiritual abuse refer to a church elder or faith leader inflicting abuse on congregation members.  . . However, spiritual abuse can also occur within an intimate partner relationship.”

“Signs of spiritual abuse between intimate partners include when an abusive partner:

-Ridicules or insults the other person’s religious or spiritual beliefs

-Prevents the other partner from practicing their religious or spiritual beliefs.

-Uses their partners religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate or shame them.

-Forces the children to be raised in a faith that the other partner has not agreed to.

-Uses religious texts or beliefs to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors such as physical, financial, emotional or sexual abuse.

It can be very difficult to identify, as many victims may not recognize they are being abused.  In addition, the abusive partner may claim that any challenge to the abuse is an assault on their own religious freedom.”

Most of the resources that I have found online about spiritual abuse operate from the presumption that either a minister is abusing his parishioners, or a member of a congregation is intimidating a pastor.  In the LDS Church, all worthy males over the age of 11 can hold the priesthood, and they are taught they are to preside in the home over their wives and children.  This structure has the unfortunate side effect of facilitating spiritual abuse, as men frequently occupy a position of perceived spiritual authority within the home.

Abuse is hard to recognize, and I think spiritual abuse is much harder to recognize because as a society we virtually never discuss it.  It overlaps with many other forms of abuse, adding a religious element. Emotional abuse that cites scripture or frames alleged misdeeds around sin and repentance is spiritual abuse as well as emotional abuse. The same is true for other kinds of domestic violence – financial abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse and so many others. All kinds of abuse can also be forms of spiritual abuse if the perpetrator draws on religious or spiritual beliefs to try to control their target.  I chose the categories below by drawing from the information describing spiritual abuse and controlling behavior on the NDVH website.

Emotional-Spiritual Abuse

Making you feel bad about yourself:  “Your talk wasn’t as bad as the last one you gave.”  “You can’t even tell how little time you put in to preparing that lesson for our family.”  “Glad you finally found a shirt that covers your garments.”

Making you feel guilty: “I’m sorry I have to try to explain modesty to our daughter and that she cannot dress like her mother” “I’m disappointed that you are such a poor role model of honoring covenants and exemplifying modest dress.” “No action you take in your life can compensate for your failure in our home.” 

Insulting you: “You are acting like Satan and his followers” “Jezebel”

Gaslight you to make you question your own experiences with personal revelation, your testimony, or understanding of Gospel principles: “You did not feel prompted to seek a separation, because God placed us in family units.” “That talk did not mean what you think it means.” “That wasn’t a real answer to prayer.” 

Comparing you unfavorably to others: “If only you understood the scriptures as well as Sister T.  Her talks are always so inspiring.” “My brother married a return missionary and you can really tell the difference in their home compared to ours.” 

Humiliating you: Supposed jokes in talks often are backhanded jabs.  “I didn’t realize my wife had  a calling! She sure never seems to need to do much!” “I don’t remember the last time I saw my wife open her scriptures!” “When I met my wife, she wasn’t temple worthy”

Using Male Privilege

Making all the big decisions: “We don’t agree on moving to a different state.  Because by divine design I preside in the home, we’re moving.”Treating you like a servant “A woman’s role is to nurture children.  So I’m not changing diapers!” “Why is the house so messy? Your role is to make our home a temple!”

Claiming spiritual authority over you:  “Like I’ve always tried to teach you, repentance has to be followed by action to get forgiveness.  You haven’t changed the way I want you do, so you haven’t really repented and I won’t forgive you and neither has God.” “Your greatest weakness has always been recognizing your errors and making change and it will be your greatest failure in eternity.”

Using children

Threatening to take away the children: “You are the one removing yourself from these blessings.  We will not be denied any blessing on earth or heaven because I chose to better myself when life got hard instead of walk away.  We held to the rod, while you got lost in the mists of darkness.” “Filing for divorce means you are violating your covenants and will not be with our children in the eternities.”

Making you feel guilty about the children: “Well it’s no surprise Mark isn’t serving a mission.  If only you had been more consistent with reading scriptures to the kids every morning.”  “You’ve been staying home from Church and now Amy doesn’t want to be baptized.  Are you proud of yourself for keeping her from returning to her Heavenly home?”

Economic- Spiritual Abuse

Preventing you from getting or keeping a job: A husband might draw on the many, many quotes and talks that say a woman’s place is in the home to enforce his position that you not have access to employment.Making you ask for money or gives you an allowance: “The father’s role is to provide, so I am in charge of the money.”

Not letting you know about or have access to financial information: “I earn the money, so what I choose to pay in offerings is up to me.”

Using Religion to Coerce and Threaten

Invoking God as judge to control your behavior: “The world and God are watching your actions,” “The more scary judgement day is also at hand, when you have to stand before your savior and fully acknowledge without being able to hide behind your false justifications and lies and explain why you inflicted such atrocities on the children and the husband he gave and entrusted to you.  You will not be able to hide or lie at that point and the consequences of these actions will follow you through all eternity.” 

Invoking Church authorities to control your behavior: “Your ward is counseling how to bring you back” “This is going to cost you your temple recommend if I tell the Bishop the truth.” “If I told the Bishop _____ there’s no way you could keep your calling .”

Spiritual Abuse

Ridiculing your religious beliefs: “Praying to Heavenly Mother is wrong and is offensive. How do you think Heavenly Father feels about you not praying as we are taught?” “You don’t think polygamy was ordained of God? Ever heard of a little book called the Doctrine and Covenants?” This form of abuse can also come from a non-believer directed at someone choosing to stay. “Are you seriously going to read a book a charlatan made up by staring in a hat?” 

Preventing you from practicing your religious or spiritual beliefs: “You were baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and when I asked you to be my wife, it was as a member of our church.  You can’t attend this other service.” “Women can’t give blessings to their children.” 

Using your spiritual or religious beliefs to manipulate or shame you:  “I’m praying that you’ll see how far from the path you’ve strayed.” “I will return to God knowing I have every last fiber of my being trying to save this family and changed everything I could.  Can you say the same? If not, then you didn’t keep your covenants.” “The only reason I’m still trying to deal with you is because I made a covenant.” “The destruction of the family is the greatest evil that one can do in this earth and until you stop taking actions that destroy our family your apology is as empty as the covenants you are breaking in this divorce.” “Enduring to the end means you are wrong to seek a divorce.”

Using scriptural or Church language to add weight to accusations or opinions: “I testify to you that you will be held accountable by God” “I was in the temple and felt prompted to tell you that you need to spend less time on social media.” “You reap what you sow.  This is happening to you because of your bad choices, not because of me.” “I prayed about it and received a confirmation that you need to…” “As the priesthood leader in our home…”

Using religious texts to minimize or rationalize abusive behaviors: “God commanded us to multiply and replenish the earth.  As my wife it’s God’s plan for you to have sex with me/have more children.” “I was ‘reproving betimes with sharpness, but afterward showing an increase of love’ like the scriptures say.” “It says in Ephesians that wives should submit to your husbands as to the Lord.  In the temple you said you would submit to me.” “Your feelings are hurt because the wicked take the truth to be hard.” “Wickedness never was happiness. You’re unhappy because of your choices. My actions are just the natural consequences.” “The scriptures say you should leave your parents and cleave to me, so you need to stop spending your time with your family and focus on me.” “1 Cor 7:4 says that women don’t have authority over their bodies, but husbands do.” “You’re just like Eve.  You made me sin.”

This list is by no means exhaustive.  Abuse is hard to recognize if you have never heard it labeled as such.  Spiritual abuse is insidious, because countering it may feel like you are rejecting forms of divine authority you respect and value – scripture, the words of prophets, promptings you’ve received, your covenants, your beliefs generally.  That is why spiritual abuse can be so effective.  The goal of an abuser is to control you and to maintain power over you.  What could be more powerful than the power of God? It makes it very difficult to argue, to reject it, or to insist on your own interpretation.  Unfortunately spiritual abusers are often enabled by local priesthood leaders who share similar interpretations of gender roles, covenants, and the authority of husbands and fathers.

My hope in creating this far from comprehensive list is that it may empower some survivors of abuse to label their experience for the domestic violence that it was/is.  You are not alone.  Your experience is probably heartbreakingly common, but we lack the vocabulary and support to call it what it is.  Any person might occasionally say one of the above things in a moment of ill-judged anger.  But if these represent a pattern, or many of them are all too familiar, then it would be worth exploring your experience further with a qualified professional.

Get help:

In the United States call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 800 799 7233. You can also text or chat through their website

In England call Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247

In Northern Ireland Domestic and Sexual Abuse Helpline call 0808 802 1414

In Scotland call Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline 0800 027 1234

In Wales call Live Fear Free 0808 8010 800

In Ireland all Women’s Aid 1900 341 900

In Australia call 800 Respect 1 800 737 732

In New Zealand use Are You Okay to locate a service near you and get support