Guest Post by Louise. Louise [not her real name] is a BYU graduate, former stake leader, and mother of a large family with pioneer ancestry on both sides.
A few weeks ago, a woman and member of the church named Breanne Pennington was brutally murdered by her husband. Police suspended the manhunt for Breanne’s murderer after a week of searching, so he remains at large.
As a member of Breanne’s stake and a domestic violence (DV) survivor myself, I am deeply affected by the way our ward and stake members go silent or feign ignorance when Breanne’s name is mentioned.
We can do better. I will help by sharing what I know.
1) Remember Breanne’s name. Church cultural taboos should not shame us into silence about Breanne and other women like her. Telling Breanne’s story can save lives. We are all family historians to some degree, and our holiest houses are for helping the dead. We already know the importance of remembrance, so I do not have to expound on this.
(Please note that the #SayHerName hashtag is reserved for murdered women of color because their stories are so often ignored by the media. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence created the #MemorialMonday campaign to encourage us to speak out in behalf of all women who have been silenced forever by domestic violence.)
2) Provide refuge. Breanne was trying to relocate to a safer place with her children but her husband killed her before she could get to safety in Texas. As a native of the Utah corridor living in Massachusetts, I experienced something similar because my only refuge was over two thousand miles away. Why can’t a woman surrounded by dozens of “church family” find safe harbor closer to home?
3) Get involved. I know a domestic violence victim who was turned away from shelters because of her beloved dog; my children love our family pet like a sibling and knowing that shelters rejected pets left me fearful of leaving. I also knew a DV shelter volunteer who gossipped about the very private lives of the local women she ‘served’ and that also left me afraid to reach out for help. I do not blame her–protecting women and children from violence is not an organized effort, it is just a patchwork of well-meaning charities and nonprofits whose leaders and volunteers make innocent mistakes due to lack of training. But we have the power to change that. I have seen Relief Society sisters organize extensive regional service projects after large-scale disasters; their relief efforts were much better run than most DV organizations that served me and my children. The sisters of the Relief Society have been serving in presidencies and organizations since they were twelve years old–can we harness that skill and charity to serve local women and children affected by violence within the home?
4) De-stigmatize discussing violence within the church. The Book of Mormon is replete with violent stories as spiritual lessons, but the first time I reported abuse to our bishop, he turned red in the face and stammered his way out of acknowledging what I said. When I reported the abuse to my closest relatives (all recommend holders with extensive church leadership experience), they encouraged me to go to the temple, fast and pray, or read conference talks. These experiences taught me that it was shameful to discuss abuse or violence in any church context. The sisters of the church can change that.
5) Ask, don’t counsel. The few feminists I knew at church only counseled me to “just leave him” or “just get a lawyer.” They did not know what my circumstances were and shamed me into finding my own solution rather than seeking help from unhelpful people who just told me what to do. If you suspect a woman is in an unsafe situation, ask helpful questions like:
“What do you need?”
“What can I do to help?”
“Are you safe at home? You don’t have to answer now—I am always here for you, ok?”
“I believe you.”
“Your life matters. What can I do to help you feel safe?”
In the end, my children and I escaped domestic violence by floundering through a series of attempts to find safety, but my journey was riddled with failures that left deep scars. I do not recommend my path to anybody. There has to be a safer way.
If we can run the largest women’s religious organization in the world, we can help keep our sisters safe in their own homes.
9 Responses
So sorry for the loss of your sweet friend Breanne. You raise such good points. I will remember Breanne. Your article will help others to better care for and remember your Breanne and the others we meet.
Prayers for her children and other family.
Thank you so much for this post. I’m so glad you survived and am so sorry Breanne and so many others don’t get the chance. You’re right that we in the church can do so much more instead of making it worse and more isolating and invalidating for survivors as we too often do.
I used to work at a battered women’s shelter….one of the better ones where everyone was trained with a degree in social work or family counseling. But there were still problems with overcrowding, underfunding, lack of bedding, restrictions on teen boys, not to mention pets. There were also no facilities for battered men, but we did put them in a nearby motel. We provided professional counseling as well as shelter.
But I do not remember one woman who was actually supported by her bishop or ward. There were many complaints of the bishop counseling them not to leave, lecturing them on the sacred nature of their temple marriage, and supporting their husbands as if the batterer was the innocent person unjustly abandoned by his beloved wife. The bishops seemed incapable of comprehending that the women were fleeing for their lives, and more often than not to protect their children also. None of that was important, only the all sacred marriage.
And the problem with “the largest women’s organization in the world” is that it is not a women’s organization. It is “owned and operated” by men. Lessons are conference talks, most given by men, decisions on subject matter and activities are decided or at least approved by men, local and general leadership is chosen by men. How is that in any way a women’s organization. It may have started as a women’s organization, but correlation changed that. It is not designed to meet the real life needs of women, especially women who need to take a stand against their husbands or get out of a marriage.
Thank you for remembering Breanne and reminding us all that we could do more for women in her situation.
Thank you for this. One thing readers who serve on ward and branch councils could do is advocate to invite a representative from the local domestic violence organization to come provide education about domestic and intimate partner violence during a fifth Sunday second hour lesson. We can build on there conversation you are starting and honor Breanne’s life by learning more about domestic and intimate partner violence. No group or community is immune from its effects.
This is such a thoughtful and well written post. Why doesn’t our very wealthy and capable church organize to run shelters for women and children escaping abuse? I volunteered at a shelter when I was very young and wasn’t terribly helpful, but they needed any help they could get answering phones and getting women there to safety. (This was in Provo, Utah too.) Why doesn’t the church fund anything like this? Instead of donating to that shelter, most community members are paying tithing to the church instead, expecting that the church would help people on their behalf. Now we know we were primarily just padding the wealth of the church and not helping anyone directly.
Such an important post. I wish the church was better at helping women, but as Anna pointed out, there really is no women’s organization and men, even when they have “good hearts” are mostly blind to the very real problems of domestic violence that are extremely common throughout society.
When I was on my mission, one of my comps was dragged down the street by a purse snatcher, our president said he wished he could take a two by four to the guy who did it. But the many times I had women approach us for help because they were being abused by their husbands, there were zero solutions offered. If the husband wasn’t interested in the church, we were supposed to move on. When a woman I was teaching had an abortion because she was afraid her husband would kill her, our president deemed her ineligible for baptism. I’m sure he considered himself a good man who loved women and wanted to protect them. The church is full of men just like him, and they are the ones holding the purse strings. The church might care about women, but only in a vague paternalistic way.
I was asked by my Bishop what I had done to make my husband so mad that he had to hit me…
Thankfully, my family wasn’t Mormon and I could leave.
But these stories make me so sad… When I left, everyone in the church supported my ex.
What a wonderful post. Learned a lot . I am thankful for my family
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