By Marcela

I recently experienced an epiphany moment in my life. But let me start a couple of days before this event. I was grabbing lunch with a friend whom I had really lost touch in the last couple of years. I was biting into my pizza when out of the blue she started mentioning her doubts about church history and the puzzling dilemma it had all been for her. The concentration of blood in my working stomach all rushed back to my head. Could it be that all this time I had someone like me just across the street? A companion in doubt; an accomplice in searching. I was in awe of her courage, opening up to me without fear of rejection.

I went back home and thought about what just had happened. A person I never thought appeared to have any questions about her religious affiliation and yet here I was, hours after our meeting, full of wonder. How many others could there be close to me? I remember telling her while sympathizing with many of her points, I knew my sister had doubts just like I did, but we would most likely never have an open conversation about it.

What happened after this episode was a domino effect. I was once told, “The moment you let your light shine, others will see it.” I recently decided to live a more unapologetic life. This means I will try to be true to my own moral compass and try not to shy out to protect others comfort. Somewhere along the line, I lost myself to an illusion created only to avoid the unease of others. Wearing undergarments so others could see I was one of them, saying yes to tasks I was not comfortable with just to fit in, and living a specific lifestyle when everyone else was watching to please. All these can be very damaging, toxic. I was trying to live by someone else’s happiness formula when in reality that formula changes in form for each individual.

Fast forwarding a couple of days, I found myself wondering who else was hiding all their pain and doubts and ready to speak out their truths. Fast forward to the night I found out my youngest sister, wife and mother of two, was my lost kindred spirit.

I remember opening a door for the conversation to start, but I was not ready to guide it. I wanted to test the waters, see how much I could disclose without causing a commotion. To my surprise, my little sister was not only empathetic with my doubts but had been on board with her husband on a system of their own. They had been living an unapologetic unorthodox life for quite some time and just thought her big confident like-minded sister was too. It was to her surprise, I was way down the road instead of ahead of her.

That night I stopped feeling alone, but more importantly, I became a moon child. We talked about relativity in everything, especially in being successful daughters of Heavenly Parents. How my ideal world does not necessarily fit into anyone else’s description of their perfect world. We talked about the possibilities of a man seeing three degrees of glory and reflecting his ideal definition of happiness onto everyone else. We spoke about seeing beauty in the moon and discomfort in the sun. He created a one-size-fits-all traveling suit that does not work for all the variety in body types. How Heavenly Parents made us each with a different mold and did not expect us to use the same channel as everyone else to get back to them.

My definition of perfection and happiness was redefined. I was happy to be imperfect. I became enthusiastic in becoming a beacon of imperfection for those struggling around me instead of a mocking mirror where reality comes to die. After realizing I was not alone, I noticed most of my masks slid off my face. I was able to feel my true-self blooming—a moment of rebirth. A moon child who was okay with letting go of becoming an ideal sun. All this was sealed with a matching wrist tattoo, a symbolism of imperfection and open arms to embrace those who are different. No more hiding, no more pleasing. I can finally breathe after living behind layers of clay masks.

Marcela is a mother, dreamer, feminist, life-long student, and woman’s issues enthusiast.