Are any of you familiar with the Bishop from Mississippi resigning from his calling and the church? It made an impact on social media (but perhaps noticed more by the less orthodox and members who have left?). A woman commentator on a Tik Tok pointed out that [paraphrasing] “this is great and all [people noticing what he was calling out], but women have been leaving for the same reasons for years, yet suddenly a Bishop leaves and we all pay attention!”

I could see where she was coming from, Relief Society Presidents, Young Women Presidents and the like leave without any notice or affect. I don’t know of any hot social media headline that read, “Mormon Relief Society President leaves the Church!” and we know why.

My husband recently was serving in our stake high council. His position was to represent the Stake Young Women’s President. As in, he was her voice…she was not allowed on the high council to represent herself…so they have a calling for a man to speak for her. He of course had other duties like speaking in other ward sacrament meetings and helping with seminary graduation programs, but his main assignment was to be that man on the High Council that “helped” her, was the male present at activities, and to be her voice when she needed it represented in their special man meetings. This is not the type of impact men can make for women that I am talking about.

I’ll admit, I poked fun of this many times to my husband. I couldn’t believe the absurdity, but knew my husband couldn’t change the system. He however, is a thoughtful person. He said that something clicked for him when he watched the young 11 year old boys, who were the same age as our youngest daughter, pass the sacrament to her. She could not hold back the laughter. He said of our daughter, “Her friends, who eat their boogers and can’t pay attention in class, were now at the front of the chapel, like little adults, acting very serious as they got ready to pass the sacrament.”  

(picture source)

In fact my husband wrote a letter to our Stake President explaining the dilemma he now recognized. He wrote:

“I remember being that age, and I remember being the little boy up front.  I remember feeling the importance of what I was doing, and I remember the imposter syndrome I felt at times during my teenage years as I learned to grow from a little boy into a man.  The priesthood responsibility I felt, along with the good examples of the men in my ward, were catalysts in my desire to develop what was good within me and to root out bad behavior.  I love what the priesthood organization did for me as a young man, and my teenage-years bishops are like fathers to me and the boys I grew up with are still my brothers. 

But, after [our daughter’s] laugh, I saw my perfectly whole daughter wait quietly to be given the sacrament.  Our bond caused me to see through her eyes, but with my wisdom.  I saw her being conditioned to think that this group of boys and men were able to produce her salvation in a way she cannot.  Her age group just went through the church sorting machine, and she doesn’t even know that she was assigned a seat at the back of the bus.  And, she likely won’t know for years, especially if her dad, who she trusts, allows her to believe that the back of the bus is a special place.

So, I am faced with two truths – the truth that the priesthood organization was a catalyst for my development and the truth that the priesthood organization is a crippler of my daughters.  And in order to be a good father and stay honest and whole within myself, I need to find a way to integrate these two truths.  As I’ve considered the various aspects of these two truths, it seems obvious to me that I could have had a similar experience as a youth, serving, and learning from the older men in my ward, even if priesthood was not organized around gender lines.  It also seems obvious that I cannot continue to participate in the parts of church that require a woman to be given or allowed something by a man.  

It would be convenient to simply push one of these truths away and not try to integrate them, but I know this would also be harmful, preventing me to step in fully to my relationships – both with my daughters and at church.  But, I also recognize that this will likely interfere with my ability to represent you fairly as the stake president, and I wanted you to know before I make these changes in the coming weeks.  For example, I will likely not participate in priesthood ordinances, setting aparts, or meetings where attendees are chosen based on gender.”

So he was released. No one outside of male church leadership seemed to notice. However, when we/he shared this experience with those close to us, it caused a pause in the conversation. More pause than me stating that I don’t go to the second hour of church or won’t let a man interview me or my girls. My decisions don’t make an impact at church, my husband’s do. 

My head count doesn’t even make a difference in determining what makes a ward or a branch, but his does. You “can not” have a functioning ward or temple for that matter, without the men, a certain number of men. But you could have hundreds of women and it would not matter, we would not be able to function according to the rules.

My husband later mentioned to me after his release that in talking to a friend, he was told that this friend’s father was asked to meet with a high ranking church leader.  The father was asked to consider a calling, to which he responded that he would not accept the calling until 50% of the membership was allowed to participate as he could.

While listening to this, I started to cry. I was impacted by the fact that a man close to my own father’s generation was willing to stand with the women and advocate for us. That he actually saw it as an issue.

Can you imagine the impact men can make for women if a significant group of them took a stand in regards to women’s equality in the church? I believe that we will only see change when more men choose to not participate where women are not allowed to participate. Not only that, but that men (and women) start to see where all truth breaks down in trying to uphold one’s gender in greater standing over another.

I can see the thoughts this proposal may provoke… “but aren’t ordinances important?” “Why would you sacrifice your salvation for pride…” I believe people would have to see the church and the whole big picture of religion, God, what is truth, and what is merely ritual for ritual sake. This would cause some cognitive dissonance, no doubt, and I’ve been there. But a couple quotes from Sonia Johnson sum my thoughts in this regard so well:

“God does not exist to be used as evidence that some human beings should be denied what others have.”

“The church loses when it loses us, far more than we lose when we are evicted [or leave on our own]. They cannot take from us whatever good we have gained from the church. We can continue to benefit from that all our lives. But they can no longer benefit from us. And they are gravely shortsighted to minimize our contribution.”

Sonia Johnson, From Housewife to Heretic (Doubleday & Co 1981)

I am not advocating for people to leave (but that works). I am advocating for men to take a critical stand.

Other related articles: The Men Who Like Women and The Men Who Don’t. Yes we can tell.