I wrote this poem a few years ago at a very tumultuous point in my relationship with the church. With Mother’s Day coming up I have reflected again on how meaningful building a relationship with my Heavenly Mother has been to me.
And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now? Alma 5:26
Are you mad at me?
I used to hear you all the time.
At church
Reading my scriptures
During my prayers.
Remember that one time
I sat in the car with Kerri?
She was in a really rough place.
But you were there.
You let me know how much you loved her,
And how much you loved me.
And now…
And now?
Maybe you won’t talk to me
Because you sense my disdain.
Maybe I can’t feel your love
Through all the anger swirling around.
It’s not anger for you.
Really, it isn’t.
I know all the proscriptions
Of how I should pray
Of how I should worship
Of how I’m allowed to feel
And access your redeeming love
Aren’t from you.
And yet I can’t help
But be mad
When I hear them say,
“God says this” or
“God says that”
I get mad even if they just say your name.
Why do they have to cut mom out of everything?
Can I talk to mom now?
Hi mom.
I’m sorry I’ve been silent for so long.
They told me I couldn’t talk to you.
They told me I couldn’t talk about you.
I guess that’s why I didn’t recognize
Your redeeming love at first.
Your majesty.
Your power.
Your glory.
Oh how you sustain me.
In that void where dad once was-
In all the “right” places.
Now I can sing of your love.
Now I can see you’ve always been there.
Was it you whispering to me
On the breeze through the leaves?
A wise friend told me to look for you
Hidden in the symbol of trees.
Remember that tree on the corner
Of Chapman and Hawthorne?
It was such a busy street
But I loved that tree.
It had the perfect crook to climb into.
It was my refuge.
It must have been you.
Now I see you everywhere.
Thanks for waiting for me.
Thanks for not being mad.
I know dad’s not mad either.
Can you tell him I say hi?
One day I’ll sing of his love too.
Right now I don’t feel it.
And I guess that’s ok.
I’ll turn to you for peace.
Thanks mom.
Thanks mom.
3 Responses
Thank you for this! I often feel the same way when I’m at church. Whenever I hear people refer to “Heavenly Father” (which of course is OFTEN), I feel like a glass half empty, and it pains me. It’s not His fault. Men made the problem. I think it will take women and men to fix it, but women will need to take the lead. I wish so much we could have a Second Vision where Mother appears….followed by ongoing Restoration where female heavenly messengers restore authority to females. What a difference it would make.
I’m still dead in the middle of my faith transition and figuring out what makes sense and feels right. Your thought of female heavenly messengers restoring authority to women is comforting. Currently, I don’t think heavenly messengers restored any authority to Joseph, but the visual of messengers and Heavenly Mother coming and righting wrongs to women is impactful.
This precisely reflects how I feel right now. Love it.