Things I miss about going to church every week:
- Developing deep relationships with people from many different walks of life
- Singing the sacrament hymn, focusing on the love of Christ together with a group of people
- Having an easy outlet for my expertise at working with children
- Watching people change from toddlers to children to teenagers to adults, and going on to have their own families. Even though I moved a lot as a kid, that feeling of change vs. continuation over time (and generations) was pretty strong at church
- Being presented with issues and principles to think deeply about, with the goal of becoming a better person – especially when the talks and lessons made it clear that there was more than one right way to be, and discussed the tension between two good principles
- The times that unity and diversity were valued together, that felt so affirming and filled me with love and belonging
- The clear sense of purpose about my life’s path*
- Regularly hearing the deep truths about other people’s spiritual journeys
- Being promoted every week to dig deeply into beautiful sacred texts
- The constant reminders that the divine interacts with us, but often in very human, imperfect ways
- Giving talks and planning lessons, listening to the spirit as I spoke, and hearing that what I prepared meant something to someone else
Things I don’t miss about going to church every week:
- Fighting with myself every week about how I justify supporting a church that excludes innocent children from full participation
- The talks and lessons about modesty, obedience above conscience, and how evil the world is
- Worship of The Family more often than Jesus, and without caring about or supporting actual people that make up actual families
- The recycled lessons and by-the-book comments
- Being frustrated about the disconnect between my leadership skills and the opportunities I was offered
- Having an implied need for permission about extending my spirituality or connection to God outside the bounds set by the church’s rules
- So much cognitive dissonance
What I’m looking for now:
I guess it’s pretty clear that what I need is a spiritual community of some kind, but I also miss having mentors. Not because of the hierarchy – I never wanted to have someone else be in charge of my spirituality – but because they had been in a similar place to me, and come through it. Their suggestions were helpful, but the fact that they were living proof that someone survived what I was struggling through was invaluable.
I need to be responsible myself for regularly reading scripture and sacred texts, which is probably going to take some time and trial and error to figure out. I didn’t like that it felt so quick, moving through one book of scripture each year, but it did tie the lessons together, and I don’t feel as drawn to something spontaneous and disjointed. Maybe I need to come to peace with the idea of following my impulses, or maybe I need to find or create a structured curriculum.
I know that I am the one who’s ultimately responsible for my journey, but I don’t want to make it alone.
For those of you who are here, or who have been here, what’s helped you build a connection with God? How or where have you found the reciprocity, unity and diversity of a good ward? Where do you turn (besides The Exponent, of course) when lessons at Church feel rote?
*which I understood to be “become as much like God as possible”, rather than “get married and have several babies”, and still want to do, I’m just not as sure anymore what that God looks like, and how I should practice
34 Responses
After a 10 year struggle, searching for a reason to stay, I finally made the break about a month ago. So far, I’m not missing anything except social connection. My list of what I don’t miss would be similar to yours. The biggest surprise since leaving is hearing through “fresh ears” how many church friends who don’t know I have left the church make disparaging comments about non-members/ex-members in just the course of a casual conversation.
As for what I’m looking for, like you, is connection. Fortunately, my work place provides some of that. I am determined to keep as many of my member friends as will allow it.
I’m not really looking for a new faith connection. I may in the future, but I am giving myself permission to take my time. I don’t feel the need to jump into something else right away. On Easter I went to a different church and sermon was wonderful. The preacher taught with a great deal of scriptural knowledge about Jesus. But I’m not ready to get involved in a different church. When I pray I feel peace, and for now that is enough.
That’s lovely Jules, thanks for sharing. It took me a really long time to come to the conclusion that now’s a good time to step away from the institutional church, and probably about 6 months to even come to a place that I can ask these questions about what I’d like.
I think giving ourselves time is a generosity that helps us get through this uncomfortable place. Best of luck with the church friends, too – I hope their compassion and empathy helps them notice when those comments hurt. I suspect that they’d count you as an exception to those ex-/non-members that deserve disparaging, but it sure would be nice not to hear those messages.
Sunday school teachers that try to set class expectations that the lesson should be read by the class members before hand and church leaders that say to read the Book of Mormon everyday drive me batty.
My personal scripture study is driven by my interests and what I feel God wants me to be studying. During one of the hardest times of my life I was inspired to read a particular non-scriptural book for my scripture study. It filled my needs wonderfully and pointed me to a chapter in Isaiah right when I needed it. I learned that God is way more liberal than I’ve been taught in church, more patient than I can hope to be, and encourages my growth even when I am so pissed off at him. My advice would be to ask God what (or how) to study.
Kaylee, I think I’m finding it hard to listen to God right now, because I’m so angry about church and the world. I want to get back to that place, but it’s going to take some work.
I absolutely agree that we can fruitfully study many good books, and I hope to come back to that feeling, that God wants good things for me and will guide my individual path. Thank you for sharing your experience.
Dear Olea,
The things you are missing are mostly gone now in Relief Society. At least, they are in my branch. The church has eliminated our old curriculum and replaced it with this new freestyle no-more-curriculum do-it-yourself thingie that does *not* work. Maybe urban wards where educated women and returned missionary sisters abound can make sense of this new non-curriculum, but in my rural branch the women now spend the third hour rambling on and on and meandering into completely useless topics based on opinions, not doctrine, and rural women have a lot of very strong opinions since 2016 that they are really, really excited to share out loud (ugh). Since i have to attend Relief Society in order to keep my temple recommend (and because they won’t allow me to teach in the primary or serve in the nursery as an escape, even though I volunteer to, because I am an outed liberal), I instead sit with the scriptures open in my lap and study them while the women drone on about their personal opinions for an hour, sans any actual structure or direction or actual objective/outcome. Also, they are seated in a circle now, too, so it feels like dysfunctional family therapy time. No, you are not missing much now, at least during third hour.
My suggestion: join a local Bible study group or form your own. Read Nadia Bolz Weber’s books (especially “Accidental Saints”), and use hers as a model. This is what the kingdom *should* look like, and what I’ve sought/built whenever I’ve found it lacking at church and collected kindred spirits to build my own extra-ecclesiastical sister community, either at church or in my own circle of friends! 🙂
Thank you for the book suggestion, they’re always welcome
I taught the Come, Follow Me curriculum to the youth, and found the lack of structure difficult to deal with then – and I was the teacher! I’m sorry your RS experience is so lacking. I hope to find or build a community like you, but that feels like a long-term project.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m also trying to figure out what my path will be going forward, and it’s nice to hear from others on that journey. Right now I attend the LDS church, but sometimes skip meetings where the likelihood of being triggered is high. I also started attending services at a Unitarian church to help me feel a sense of renewal and connection to God and others.
For a long time, I would often feel really guilty if I didn’t read the Book of Mormon everyday, because that message is often pounded into you at church. As I’ve branched into other texts (e.g. Buddhist philosophy, Rumi poems, books by Rabbis, awesome children’s books on social justice, etc) I’ve found connection to the Spirit in new ways. It’s also opened my eyes to different interpretations of Book of Mormon or Bible passages than the traditional, “approved” ones you hear at church.
Tirza, I’ll take every book suggestion you have to offer!
Good luck with figuring out where your path lies.
Some of my favorite spiritual sources:
Anything by Brene Brown
Tattoos on the Heart by Gregory Boyle
Reimagining Exodus by David Zaslow
Tara Brach’s podcast
On Being podcast (I also like Krista Tippet’s books which are a conglomerate of the best parts of her interviews)
Sacred Circles: A guide to creating your own women’s spirituality group by Robin Deen Carnes and Sally Craig
(Like SC said, creating your own sister community can be very valuable and of course can take some time. This book describes that process, but also has lots of interesting quotes and a section of sources for further reading)
Good luck with your journey!
Years ago, some kind soul in the Mormon blogosphere recommended Falling Upward, by Richard Rohr. It was extremely helpful for me, so I’ll pass on that recommendation here.
amen. I feel so many of the same things
I know it isn’t in the direction that your question is heading, but have you ever considered investigating the Community of Christ (http://www.cofchrist.org/mission-center/1110/western-europe-mission-center)? After a decade of going solo post-LDS that is the direction my journey seems to be currently leaning towards. You may find it helpful to consider, even occasionally, to help with some of the things you miss without some of the things you don’t and in an environment that is familiar.
Thanks, Palla! Bonn is closest to me, but it’s not very close. The idea appeals to me because, among others reasons, my paternal grandmother is a priest for the Anglican church, and having the opportunity to be ordained would give me a way to follow in her footsteps. Certainly something to keep in mind/explore.
Our stories have some strong similarities, with the main difference being that I showed up on this planet about 20 years before you. After my children were grown I picked up where I left off in my career pursuits, obtaining my architect license at age 55. No regrets. You are never too old to follow your heart. Hugs!
Same here, just 20 years earlier. Went back and got my engineering at 44, best decision I ever made. It’s never too late, ever.
Such a similar story here, and I am 41. Spent the last couple years really digging into what I wanted to do, now in a degree program to finish next year, building a career I can really sink my teeth into. My youngest is also four, same as yours. I am ready to define my life instead of having it defined for me. I wish you well, my sister.
So many of the things you wrote here are so familiar. After 18 years of child raising, all my children will be in school in a few weeks, my oldest in college and my youngest in kindergarten. I am finding it exciting, intimidating, and a little painful to be finding out who I want to be and how to get there after so long. A faith transition makes it that much more complicated.
I wish you peace, strength, and clarity as you find your way.
Me too. Oldest at college, youngest just started kindergarten. I don’t know what I want to do!
Yes, to all of it. My details are different, but i feel compelled by life circumstances to choose something, and i don’t know how to choose. Not that I’m having a hard time choosing between A and B, but I’m realizing how much of my agency I’ve been surrendering (virtually all of it) to make the the “right” choices that would bring me blessings. Well, they didn’t. And i am woefully inexperienced in choosing.
I wish you every happiness and success in yours
Look at online degrees! I highly recommend WGU (because I work there so I know the quality)… but don’t give up on your dreams. My mom had a similar story, but my dad was abusive and they divorced my senior year of high school. She could have gone back to school, but didn’t try very hard and it’s sad seeing her now close to retirement but thinking she can’t do anything or even go back to school. Pursue your dreams! Teach your kids that women in the Church can be anything they want, especially working mothers. That women need to be themselves first and be individuals to truly reach the purpose of their creation and find joy.
I also recommend WGU!
This is so powerful and heartbreaking. I am in a similar situation; I start prerequisites for a bachelor’s in a different field that I hope will lead to a PhD; I’m 42. I tried to talk myself out of this more expensive path for a long time…how will we pay for our kids’ school? Am I dooming my husband to continue in a career that may be unsustainable for him while I go back to school? What if I completely fail at this career path?
I realized that if anyone else was talking about this (and this is confirmed by reading your post and those brave women with their stories of going back to school), I would say, “Oh, honey, of course you should go down this path.” I’m working hard on believing that this advice applies to me as well.
Quality online programs like Western Governors University (WGU) are a revolutionary solution for women in this situation. Please know that YOU CAN DO IT! (Heck, you’ve raised a family!!!!!!! You can move mountains!!!!!) Be warey of for-profit diploma mills, but there are other state-sponsored compacts like WGU if you don’t live near a university or community college. It may seem daunting, but it will be worth it!!!!! There was a classic either Dear Abby or Ann Landers column (the two were actually twin sisters) years ago where a woman wrote that she dreamed of going to medical school and becoming a doctor but that would take so many years (let’s say 20, can’t remember exactly) before she could practice medicine. The advice columnist responded: And how old will you be in 20 years if you DON’T go to medical school? As President Kimball used to say: JUST DO IT. By the way, I have a PhD and worked as a university professor ( in a male dominated field) for over 30 years, so I am not just “blowing smoke”. Go for it.
this is my same issue. my interests have changed, and the bachelor’s degree i got many years ago is unrelated to my main interests. it is not just a phD, i want, but all the schooling leading up to it. and the same feeling of uncertainty about failure or finding out i actually hate it…
With no kids of my own and tuition-free universities at hand here in Europe I cannot comment on your circumstances. I only can assure you that it’s never late for a new turn in life.
I’ve re-entered university at 38 and at 58 I’m on my way to becoming a psychoanalyst. You always need new goals and purposes of life, right?
You might still consider a PhD if it interests you. I am finishing up my PhD now. Most good programs will pay for your tuition and give you an additional stipend (up to $30k a year).
Kudos to you for taking the scaring step of looking! Sometimes you have to step away from the comfort of the familiar roles and cultural teachings and take a look over the edge of what some have told you is a dangerous cliff. I’m 40 and just finished my master’s degree last December. I have to say that it was one of the most empowering experiences of my life. You’ll find opportunities by pursuing your education that wouldn’t have even come to mind beforehand.
Thank you for sharing your story! To add to the voices above, I was a sahm for years. Now I am 44 and in the 4th year of my PhD. Someone already said this, but amplification matters so…. Most PhD programs are paid for and usually you get an assistantship that gives you an income. It can be daunting to apply, but boy it 8s worthwhile!
To reiterate what Carrie Ann ^^ said: debt shouldn’t be your primary concern with a PhD. Most all PhD programs these days are fully funded. The challenge would be finding a PhD program that makes sense with your geographic location/schedule/interests. But you can do that!
I love hearing everyone’s willingness to invest in themselves no matter what stage of life you are in! I’m at the more inexperienced end of womanhood, but am old enough to feel a little out of place next to some of the younger students. Sometimes I think to myself, “Some people have their Bachelor’s and are working on their Master’s by the time they’re my age”, but I also try to remember that I’ve also had a very different life path than the average college kid. At one point I ended up in real estate (of all things) and it was making me really unhappy, so I quit after wrestling/praying with the decision and still having no clue what to do. I had no other jobs lined up and no plan for school or ANYTHING. It was, by all accounts, the most financially irresponsible thing I could have done. The next day, I randomly recalled a conversation one of the bishopric members had had with my husband about becoming a pharmacist. Then I thought to myself, “Hey, why don’t I become a pharmacist?” It was so spontaneous and unexpected, but I have never felt so passionate about my education until that moment. I am constantly inspired by people like everyone here who are willing to follow their dreams and take another chance!
I just wanted to throw in my two cents on getting a PhD. If that’s your dream, do it. Forty isn’t old. Look, it’s possible that you might not ultimately scale the highest professional height you could have if you had started fifteen years ago. But you could still have plenty of fulfilling work years ahead of you and what’s more the education itself will be fulfilling. You’ll make friends, and learn things, and become someone new even if you never work in your field at all. What’s more, as plenty of other people have said, PhD programs should be free. Be verrrry wary of one that wants you to pay wads of cash (I guess it depends on the field but still). Typically you work as a Graduate Employee in some capacity, again depending on your field. You might be teaching, or working in a lab or acting as a research assistant. That job will pay for your tuition and also provide you with a stipend. Possibly you’ll also get good insurance out of it — in my grad years my annual copay for outstanding insurance was $100. Yes. I had 100% coverage after spending 100 dollars annually. And this was in the mid-2000s, so not long ago. Thanks, unions!
What I’m saying is, money and age are not strong reasons to say no to this. There may be other compelling reasons that you don’t feel drawn that way. But it sounds to me like your income from an entry-level part time job and your income from being a grad student could be comparable, only grad students get benefits like health care and tuition. Additionally, you’ll likely find that in grad school you’ll be less of a fish out of water because of your age and life stage than you might fear. Your age will be an advantage because of experience and work ethic.
I got my PhD at 43 after having four children. It set a great example for my kids of the power and importance of education. Also, it made me happy. 🙂
Bravo; way to go!
My mom went back to school when she was 40, getting a bachelor’s and a master’s in counseling. She loves counseling and is passionate about her work. My sister is 45. She just completed her bachelor’s degree and is in her first semester of law school right now. These women have taught me that it is never too late to invest in a woman’s education!!