The semester was nearing its end when I found myself walking to my car, exhausted after a day of work and night classes. My backpack weighed heavily on my shoulders and my mind was absolutely full. As I pushed the crosswalk button on the way to the college parking lot I thought about the thick manilla envelope in my backpack. It contained my enrollment paperwork for the Master’s Degree program at Stockton College in New Jersey. I’d filled out the necessary forms to enroll in the Holocaust and Genocide Studies program and needed to mail them back. There was a problem though. I was torn. I knew I wanted to pursue this degree, but I’d fallen in love with someone I met in an online LDS chat room circa 2000. 

I was at a crossroads that felt like a reckoning during this time. I’d come out of what I considered my rebellious period marked by a small 4 leaf clover tattoo, a non-member ex-boyfriend and was in the throes of repentance. I had joined a singles branch and confessed my sins to the Branch President. I was repenting for buying a pack of cigarettes and a chastity sin and had now committed to living a life worthy of my ancestry. Being committed to righteousness was intense pressure for me. 

I grew up in the church at a time when it was more common knowledge that women must be “married in the everlasting covenant”  to receive exaltation and women who had not had the opportunity to marry would be assigned to a righteous priesthood holder in heaven to receive exaltation. In other words, it was my responsibility to find a worthy husband or risk being assigned one. I’d been assigned enough group projects in school to not want to be assigned a husband.

This led me to an online LDS chat room since there was zero chance of getting a date with a member where I lived in southern California. Only pretty girls in the branch got asked out (and married) and most often they were the ones who introduced themselves as being in the area to nanny until they got married and had children. In my entire LDS life I’d been asked out by a member exactly 1 time and he was quick to comment that this was a “friend” date. I quickly became focused on my appearance and didn’t go out of my way to introduce myself as a local UCI student. 

My friend in the branch who was a convert and an epidemiologist asked me during a “break the fast” lunch what I was doing to lose so much weight. I replied “not eating” as I grabbed barely enough calories to keep me standing. If losing weight meant what I needed to do to get married, so be it. That chat room saved me from continuing to starve myself and introduced me to a wonderful guy. His name was Matt and he and I hit it off immediately and switched to phone calls instead of chat. Not long after we began talking, I knew I’d marry him if he asked. One night as we were talking into the early hours of the morning he asked me what I knew about polygamy. I told him what I knew which wasn’t very much. That’s when he told me that Jesus Christ had appeared to John Taylor and set apart 12 men to carry on “the everlasting covenant” despite the church’s agreement with the US government to stop practicing polygamy in exchange for Utah statehood. 

He was raised fundamentalist he said and he taught me more details about early church leaders and their teachings than I had learned in all my years of Sunday School. It all made sense to me. This was getting to my roots. This was Mormonism straight from the writings of its earliest revered prophets. We discussed living plural marriage even though we hadn’t met in person yet. 

Those were the crossroads I stood at as I pushed the crosswalk button on my late night walk back to my car. Should I mail my enrollment documents or should I pursue marriage and devote my life to living the fundamental teachings of Mormonism? As the thought of dropping off the manilla envelope to the post office the next day formed, I heard a voice sternly yell “No!” In that brief moment my decision was made. After graduation Matt bought me a plane ticket to visit him in Utah. We dated for a few days, visiting church sites and doing a tour of the Salt Lake City Cemetery with a printed map of the graves of famous church members. The next week Matt flew to California and proposed. I was happy, proud, and relieved when it was my turn to stand in the congregation as the branch president announced my exit via marriage. I felt so old at 21. 

Some people reading this today may question why I couldn’t do both? Wasn’t there an option to pursue my career and still marry the person I fell in love with? Drumroll for the 10th Article of Faith please…”We believe in the literal gathering of Israel and in the restoration of the Ten Tribes; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth” Before the modern church interpreted this scripture as a symbolic “gather where you are”, people took the literal meaning of the word literal, literally. Zion was Utah and from there a trek to Independence Missouri, not a college in New Jersey. As the patriarch of our family and therefore responsible for protecting his family, Matt helped me to understand we had to live in Utah. The teachings I grew up with my entire life helped me to understand I could not put off motherhood and that I should not pursue a career. My divine mission was to give birth and raise children in righteousness. There are countless talks and counsel from official church sources saying this. Regarding women working outside the home “she should be certain those needs are valid. She should be sure they cannot be met through careful budgeting and home production.” (The Latter Day Saint Woman, Basic Manual for Women, Part A page 206)

Our oldest was born 16 months after we married. Matt and I talk about the early days of our 24 years and going marriage fairly often. We recognize how we both squeezed into gender roles that didn’t feel comfortable for either of us. As the years went by we recognized how much better he was at managing school info for the kids and how I was always seeking new community roles to learn and lead in. I started bringing him flowers he loves and he told me to live a life that would make our kids proud, not live for my ancestors. We talk about how pressure and beliefs made our decisions until we learned to trust ourselves. We don’t regret our decisions but we also can’t say that “we” really made them. Once in a while when we’re recounting memories we wonder aloud together what it would have been like if we had gone to New Jersey and focused on building my career. At the time of writing this I’m involuntarily unemployed and my kids are wholly independent. In some ways I’m still pushing the button at the crosswalk while also being grateful for the road I’ve walked. 

***Do you have your own thoughts to share about graduate programs vs. not putting off motherhood? We would love to hear from you! Submit a guest post and let us share your voice on Exponent II.***

Main image photo credit: Michał Parzuchows

Post Note: At the time of publishing Jen is in her first week of their career in Social Work.