Let’s talk about the unique attributes that men possess that make them better suited to preside over the church than women.
Take height, for example. On average, men are taller than women. This makes it possible for men to keep important priesthood artifacts such as sacrament trays on high shelves and retrieve them without the worldly aid of a step stool.
Unless, of course, they choose to keep them in a lower location, like under the sacrament table. Then maybe shortness would be handier. Luckily, that height thing doesn’t apply to all men. There are many short men. There are also many tall women.
Never mind. Didn’t the Lord scold Samuel for judging people by their height?
But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart. (Samuel 16:7)
The heart! That must be the key. Let’s talk about how the male heart is different from a female heart and better equips males for religious leadership. The male fetal heartbeat is, on average, slower than a female fetal heartbeat at the time of labor. This is important to the welfare of the church because, well, um—forget it. We don’t ordain fetuses to the priesthood, anyway.
But there are differences between adult male and female hearts, too. Men are less likely to have heart disease than women, which is part of the reason males enjoy longer life expectancy than females. Since they usually live longer, males have more opportunity to gather the life experience necessary to perform well in church leadership roles. Moreover, there are more senior males than females who are alive, healthy and available to serve.
Oh wait. I got my facts mixed up a little there. It’s actually men who are more prone to heart disease and women who live longer. Hmm.
Let’s focus more on how male biology lends itself to personality qualities necessary to lead the church. Most men have higher testosterone levels than women, and higher testosterone has been linked to aggression.
Yikes! I thought religious leaders were supposed to be meek, not aggressive. Luckily, many men are not aggressive at all. In fact, there is so much overlap in personality traits between the sexes that sex might not be a very good tool at all for predicting an individual’s personality or capacity for spiritual leadership.
Clearly, we need to consider a trait that is found in all men, but never in women. I got it: penises. Almost all men have one, while women usually lack this important organ, which makes it possible for men to pee standing up and even eject semen, not that I can think of any way that either of these two skills could be useful while performing official priesthood duties.
So what is it about having a penis that makes a person better qualified to perform church duties? If you are supposed to keep your genitals in your pants while administering the priesthood, why does it matter what kind of genitalia are under those pants?
22 Responses
I am concerned that you have not addressed the well known capacity of a penis to act as a radio tower for receiving revelation from heaven. Women’s anatomy more closely resembles a satellite dish. Who would use a satellite to communicate with deity when a radio is around?
I thought the penis was like an external antenna (like a satellite phone), but women were more like bar phones with internal antennas. That makes women more convenient for the day to day stuff, but when you really need good reception, you need a man.
The revelation transmission qualities of the penis do seem to warrent further study. Thank you for bringing up this important question.
Such important questions, Cruelest Month!
April, I realise that this is tongue-in-cheek. However, I don’t see how it is helpful to feminists, and indeed women in general.
And, from a Church doctrine point-of-view, women and men are different at the Spirit level, and the Intelligences level. So clearly whatever it is you are trying to find as to why, in His Infinite Wisdom, God gave the priesthood to men, it goes way beyond having a penis.
Well, I’m a feminist and a woman and I found this post helpful because it made me laugh. And there isn’t a lot about being a woman in our church that makes me laugh, so that makes it worth it’s weight in gold to me.
I agree! It’s helpful because it makes me laugh, plus it’s helpful because it makes me feel like I’m not alone.
“And, from a Church doctrine point-of-view, women and men are different at the Spirit level, and the Intelligences level.“
Andrew, please elaborate and cite your sources for this assertion.
Excellent questioning, Pete.
“I, a man, don’t see how this is helpful to women in general.”
We know you don’t, dude. We knoooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwww.
You also forgot the important manly trait of facial hair. Men grow a significant amount of thick, dark hair all over the lower half of their faces. Why are leaders of the Church and BYU students required to be clean-shaven? Because the daily removal of that hair gives them an important time every morning to reflect on how they can remove dark things from their spiritual lives. This daily symbolic act will help them turn into the pure vessels that God needs to lead His church.
Good point! And I might add that manly stubble is quite prickly, and prickly and priesthood both start with the letters P and R, and that has to mean something!
This is hilarious, April! I wonder if men’s generally more prominent Adam’s apples somehow sanctify the words they speak when they are giving blessings.
APRIL. Come on. The dangly bits are THE MOST important priesthood qualification. Don’t you remember Brigham Young’s hallowed poem about essential gender differences? It may help clear your muddled head:
If they hang down below, to the pulpit they go.
If they’re way up inside, in the home they abide.
Take your inferior hiding-in-your-body-cavity-in-shame genitalia and get back in the kitchen.
I love this article. So much. Thank you, I needed that laugh 😀