I get second-hand embarrassment when LDS parents take the stand and openly discuss their disappointment over “wayward” and “inactive” children. Thankfully, the children are usually absent and their names are generally left unsaid. Still, their choices and their perceived sin is being paraded in front of a congregation as a cautionary tale. Faith-filled parents, often convinced that leaving the LDS Church is one of the worst things their children could do to them, publicly critique and mourn over their children.
I can’t imagine discovering that my parent was publicly discussing me in a way that distilled me down to a single part of my identity: religious affiliation. I could be accomplished, talented, thoughtful, caring, hardworking, and even happy, but these are all overshadowed by inactivity. In a quest to personalize missionary experiences and striving to live the gospel, children become object lessons of who not to be, choices not to make, and possibilities to fear.
How can this do anything but alienate and hurt children? No matter how softly or lovingly you say these things, they send a message that those who “stray” or make choices the LDS “we” disagrees with are fair game for public outing and critiquing.
A similar thing happens when speakers commonly discuss “those who stray” and give examples of their misery over their choices; othering and creating a “they” separate from those in the room. Speakers also love the phrase “you wouldn’t be here if you didn’t believe.” Both of these assumptions ignore the possibilities of those investigating, family members visiting (and maybe even the subjects previous object lessons), people struggling with faith or questioning doctrine, those who may attend out of family commitments, and more.
It’s odd to sit in a congregation and hear the speakers essentially discuss you/people like you – someone who may be considered “astray,” – as someone who is miserable, depressed, lost, and purposeless. They’ve distilled me down to one single part of my identity: religious affiliation. And it’s hard to imagine that they can see, or frankly want to see, who I really am. Because I am now, as before my shift in beliefs or shift away from certainty, complex.
We love simple stories that can be used to illustrate a clear message. Mormon pioneer tales and scripture stories are summarized into a few, basic paragraphs, with clear “good guys” and “bad guys.” People become uncomplicated object lessons to warn us, guide us, and help us stay righteous.
Real people, their spiritual journeys, their life experiences, and their personalities, can’t be summarized so easily. We are doing a great disservice when we use them, even in well-meaning ways, as object lessons or warnings for others. Publicly declaring assumptions, judgments, and unhappiness over someone else’s choices or behavior, especially when we tell one-dimensional, one-sided stories, is unnecessary and un-Christian.
11 Responses
Oh my, oh my. Our two oldest daughters have left the church and we have done these very similar things. I hate that we did it:-( So harmful on so many levels.
I was at a recent missionary farewell party and bumped into a young mother who we hadn’t seen in years. We asked about a certain family’s daughter who had been friends with our daughter and the first thing that was said was, “oh she’s inactive”. As if that has any bearing on whether or not she is a good and decent human. But in the Mormon culture, that status apparently still matters. Your worthiness or ‘street cred’ is apparently determined by your activity level.
We have to do better.
I loved this post! And I’m simultaneously embarrassed that I talked about some family members this way as a very orthodox member. Now that I’m more nuanced and considered less active, it’s as if the last 57 years of my life can be distilled down into my activity in this church. Part of me has grace for people seeing me this way because I was once in that space. And part of me resents the narrative that we were handed: people who leave are offended, want to sin, are under Satan’s influence, and/or lazy and selfish. Where’s the love in that?
Great post! The shorthand of church participation = good / no church participation = bad is frustrating and infuriating! I’ve also experienced the “you all believe like me” lines, both implicit and explicit, when I’ve been attending church as a heretic. I just keep my head down. Maybe nobody cares that they’re being unwelcoming in doing this, since I’m not the type of person they want to welcome.
It’s the same thing on the flip side – when holding someone up as a good example. A very well-meaning stake leader was talking one day after sacrament meeting about how LGBT people have taught her the true meaning of Christ’s charity. My annoyed LGBT 17-year-old looked her straight in the face and said point blank, “I am not a plot device in your religious experience.” I was simultaneously embarrassed for the stake leader, who really was trying hard to reach out and be encouraging to my kid, and also proud of my kid for standing up for herself to not be defined in a one-dimension viewpoint.
Tell your daughter thank you, because I will be saving that line for future use!
What hit me in this post is the part about the parents talking like their children leaving the church is the worst thing the children could do to the *parents*. I have known parents like this, and thought how absolutely self centered they are. Their children are not individual humans, but only exist to make the parents look good. And quitting church makes the parents look bad, so it is a personal affront to the parents. Where is any love or understanding for the children? It isn’t sad that the children are going to miss a great way of life, or ruin any future for themselves in heaven. But it is all about, “How could they do this to me?” If the church was worth staying in, wouldn’t it be sad that the mentioned children are missing out?
I am having trouble helping my still believing husband over his grief and sense of failure because two out of three of our children left and the third is still hanging in there, but has issues. It is hard to get him to see that he did not fail our children. The church failed them. This goes against the church narrative that it is perfect and any problems are totally the member’s fault, either the child is just evil or the parents failed them. But y’know, my lesbian daughter is not evil. She was the most faithful and Christian of our children, until the church failed to make room for her. And our oldest, the church was and is so sexist that she decided it is not of any God worth worshipping. A God who loves and dotes on his sons and fails his daughters is not a *good* God. So, who failed? Us as parents who taught her that she has worth, or a church that taught her she is worthless. I could go into detail about what happened that made her feel as she does, but anyone who believes the church cannot be the problem is going to blame her no matter the details.
What needs to change in the narrative is this idea that somebody is bad, but the church itself is perfect. Then parents will not have to accept that they failed and are bad parents, OR accept that their beloved children are just evil. Maybe if we could look at *why* people leave, we could stop the bleeding. But we can’t fix the real problems when we continue to place all the blame on members. Yes, sometimes parents do fail. Yes, sometimes children just end up bad. But sometimes people leave a bad organization too.
Anna, thank you for your thoughts. As I stated in my original comment. I did and said the same canned crap the culture teaches us to say when folks “stray”.
I bring up this same sentiment when accusations are made that it’s my fault for leaving the church. Yes it’s my decision not to be part of a religion that doesn’t represent my values. However, I didn’t commit SEC fraud and hoard billions in tithing dollars, institute sexist and racist doctrine and policies, make truth claims that later turned out to be lies, protect sex offenders and harm victims, etc. It tends to end the debate.
This really resonated with me. Thank you!
I’ve been out of the church for almost 10 years and my mom was once telling me how she was talking about me in a relief society or sunday school lesson. I immediately asked if it was about kids leaving the church and she looked surprised. She said “no, I was talking about your marathon and how you kept going and finished what you started.” I was so pleasantly surprised and grateful for that moment and seeing me as more. My mom’s not perfect and I appreciate that I got to see her in that light. I can only hope there is more of this in the future.
This is my ward experience and the comments members make every Sunday! Ug