Hi, I’m Meghan (she/they.) I live in North Idaho where I am a founding member Harmony CDA, a local support group seeking to provide a safe space for LGBTQ+ and allies in harmony with the gospel of Jesus Christ. And my husband suggested it might be a good idea to link my latter-gay stories post if anyone wants to know more about my personal “coming out” story that is mentioned. This can be found here: https://lattergaystories.org/hi-im-meghan/

I’ve been feeling a lot of feelings following Elder Renlund’s address in the Women’s Session of General Conference, but mostly, I am sad. I’m sad because the words that Elder Renlund chose show me that he (and likely, all of the brethren, by extension) haven’t had any of the experiences that I have had.

I don’t think they’ve ever felt prompted to come out as queer after years of struggling with their mental health, and months of praying to see themselves and loves themselves as their Heavenly Parents see and love them. I don’t think they’ve had to sit in the existential dissonance between how they were created, what gifts God gave them, and what the church presents to them as good and righteous life. I don’t think they know difficult it is to expose the most vulnerable and starved parts of yourself, or how unkind others can be when you claim it’s divinely guided.

I wonder if they’ve ever had their anxieties about following such an unexpected prompting manifest in a dream- not just your garden-variety “I’m at school without my pants” dream, but a violent and visceral nightmare where Satan himself is literally showing you what can or will happen if you come out- what relationships will suffer, what people will say, and what pain you will endure- complete with weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth.

Since they are men who hold the priesthood, I doubt they’ve started to lucid dream and felt completely powerless, crippled by pain and fear and shame. It’s safe to assume they’ve never thought, “Oh my gosh, this is too much. I can’t handle this. I need to wake up my spouse right now so they can give me a blessing. I need this to stop.”

I don’t think they have. I don’t think any of them have felt the warm, feminine embrace that I felt in that moment, cradled in a perfect, protective love- a hug that only a Mother can give. I know they’ve never felt Her imprint, “You have the power you need” onto their souls, and then banished Satan from their subconscious with a newfound faith and confidence in their own divine femininity.

I wonder if they’ve experienced what it is like to go through EMDR therapy.

To have puzzle pieces fit together that your mind has spent your whole life trying to hide, separate, ignore, and forget.

To start picking at a decades-old scab, only to realize what lies beneath hasn’t healed at all- the wound is as raw and fresh as the day you got it.

I wonder if any of the brethren have come to realize that they’ve been so scarred by the hands of men that praying to even a celestial one feels like a cruel joke.

I doubt they’ve experienced that unique agony, or ever uttered a prayer of desperation and defiance, saying, “If this is wrong just strike me with lightning and end it now, I don’t care. This is all I can manage,” and then prayed exclusively to Heavenly Mother for a few weeks.

I don’t think they have. I don’t think they’ve prayed and been overcome with a mental image of Heavenly Father literally stepping behind Heavenly Mother, hand on Her shoulder, no hint of offense or resentment on His face. Both looking down on me with so much love. Both so proud of me for still seeking Them, even in my darkest moments.

I love, honor, cherish, and sustain our General Authorities. I do. But I also love, honor, cherish, and sustain my personal authority. And after Elder Renlund’s talk, I faltered in that. I began to question answers to questions I’ve already received. I wondered if I was wrong, if I had been deceived, and if I was overstepping in cultivating this novel relationship with my Heavenly Mother. I wondered if I had offended Christ by stepping outside the lines and violating his instruction for prayer. I wondered if I needed to repent.

And that night, I had another dream. Not directly featuring Heavenly Mother this time, but all the “mothers” I have on the other side of the veil. I saw my great grandmothers on all sides of my family, the faces of some who I intuited where my husband’s ancestors, and hundreds of others that I didn’t physically recognize, but knew in my heart were my progenitors, going back generation after generation. A legion of feminine ministering angels. And then I felt a hug and the words, which my heart and soul attributed to Christ, “I’ll be with you, everywhere.’ No correction, no condemnation, no call to repentance. Just love.

These experiences are so sacred to me. They have affected me on a cosmic and cellular level. They have redefined the divine. They have allowed me to forge a personal and intimate connection with Christ, my Heavenly Parents, and with those who minister to me on other side of the veil.

I’ve seen general references to personal experiences many times, and often others seem to opt out of sharing details due to their sacred and personal nature. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, but it isn’t me. And I’ve often wondered, “is it wrong that I’m speaking so freely about my experiences? Am I freaking people out? Do I need to tone it down so others think I’m normal?” Many would answer yes, I’m sure. But the answer I get from God is a clear, concise, and emphatic “no.”

I have often joked that I must be pretty hard to reach, because so many of my spiritual promptings come as such a slap in the face. Big, loud, obvious, undeniable inspiration. But man, what a gift that is. I have complete faith and confidence in my experiences, and nothing anyone says or does can take that away from me.

Occasionally when I open up, someone will skeptically ask me how or why I get these answers in this way, and my only response is that I ask for it. I don’t demand revelation, and I try to be patient, but my experiences with Heavenly Mother didn’t come until I asked to feel love from both of Them, and my encounter with Christ didn’t happen until I admitted I didn’t know how to connect to Him individually, and asked how I could grow that relationship. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Ask and ye shall receive.

So, I humbly testify that prayers are answered. I believe in the ability of general authorities to provide general guidance, and I claim the privilege of worshiping according to the dictates of my own conscience.

As we sit in the wake of this April 2022 conference, I implore everyone to simply ask the questions that are on their hearts. Especially if a specific talk (or 2, or 3…) didn’t resonate with you. Pray, pray, pray. If claiming your personal authority makes you uncomfortable, I get it. I was once there too, and old habits die hard. But, I am willing to bet that if I asked the brethren if I should pray about a talk they gave, 15/15 would say “yes.” So, start with that. You will never regret praying.

This post is part of a series, Contemplating Heavenly Mother. Find more from this series here.