by Megan Buhler
I sat in the Bishop’s office with my Young Women President. She had pulled me in to tell him what had happened the day before on a young women’s trip. She had learned of it from the only person I actually told – my also-15-year-old friend who had cried in the backseat with me as we drove the hours home from a tour of church sites on the East coast of the United States. The Bishop listened, then called in my parents as well as the man I accused and his wife, and asked me to repeat my story. He swore us all to secrecy and insisted the details of what happened shouldn’t leave the room.
I took the charge to secrecy seriously, but somehow the whole stake seemed to know instantly. I heard – without being able to defend myself – the rumors swirling. Many of which called into question my virtue and integrity – comments about what I was wearing (an oversized T-shirt and jeans if anyone had cared to ask for the truth), my behavior on the trip (made up stories of night time escapades with boys we met along the way of our journey). A few supporters. My mom told me my seminary teacher stopped her in the hall. “I’ve never known Megan to lie. I believe her.”
A pattern of lying, though, was exactly what was established about this man in the Bishop’s office the day I made my accusation. During the conversation, the Young Women President recounted her surprise when he’d shown up just before it was time to leave on this trip insisting that the Bishop had asked him to attend so we’d have a priesthood holder with us. He overruled her objections: his wife was coming along too so he said there didn’t need to be two priesthood holders there, he would sleep in his car since no hotel accommodations had been made. There wasn’t space in the rented cars, but he put one of the young women in the front between him and his wife where his hand frequently and “accidentally” ran up the thigh of whoever was sitting there. The Bishop insisted he had no idea this man was attending the trip and had certainly not asked him to.
This man had also gone to girls camp for many years as the only priesthood holder and rumors had abounded for years about uncomfortable situations girls had been put in by him. I heard that the Stake President asked the bishop of every ward to check and see if there were any stories from the young women in his ward. Whispered conversations from friends, brave enough to tell their stories of what happened despite me being Exhibit A of what happens to the accuser: “I told my bishop about the time he demonstrated CPR on me and had his hands on my breasts the whole time.” Many of the girls had stories from the same young women’s trip “I told the Bishop how he walked into the bathroom when I was in the shower.”
The Stake President asked for other stories, but the one story he never asked for was mine. He never spoke to me.
I also heard the explanations from this man and his supporters. He had gone to girls camp as the only priesthood leader because no one else had wanted to (there had also not been a call for volunteers). Why was everyone so ungrateful? Didn’t they understand how much time he had taken off of work? How much he had sacrificed?
Sticking his hands down my pants? He was only trying to tickle my stomach. It was just coincidence that he was waiting when I came out of the bathroom alone. That he pinned me against the wall of the bathrooms, blocked from the view of anyone else. That a friend saw us both coming around the corner, and that I burst into tears the second I saw her.
My Bishop informed me of the outcome. The Stake President concluded that there was no evidence. All the stories could be explained by misinterpretation and because of the stories and rumors I must have been primed to interpret what happened in the worst possible way. Therefore, this man would no longer go to Girls Camp and they would start following the Church’s policy of having two priesthood holders at camp. He still had his temple recommend and the reputation that took the biggest beating was mine.
Megan lived in many states growing up, but currently lives with her husband and three children in Salt Lake City, Utah. She is an active member of the church and has served in many callings including Relief Society President and Primary President.
24 Responses
No More men forcing themselves on young girls
I’m so sorry this happened to you and that you were not believed by the stake president. I believe you. And I have no words for how furious I am that this happened to you and the other young women. The church needs to stop protecting predators!
I knew these people. I’m so angry i can barely type. I think I feel the spirit telling me it’s time to go back to church.
I’m , so sorry Megan. What that man did was evil. What your ward and stake leaders did was also evil. You should have been believed and supported.
I’m so sorry. I wish you had been heard then.
Thank you for sharing your story. I believe you, and I hope that those who matter to you believe you.
This leaves me with anger in my soul. I am also so sorry you were treated this way, that it happened was bad enough (horribly bad), but the aftermath and what you have had to endure and live with, knowing that some leaders in our church are so corrupt, is heartbreaking. I am so grateful you are sharing your experience. Measures must be immediately put in place to stop this abuse and the response to abuse you suffered.
I am so sorry. I am so angry at all of the adults in that situation on your behalf.
First and foremost the victim should always be supported and treated as a victim. I have heard too many incidents like this. Now I’d hope people would go straight to the police… the Church has already said they don’t have the tools to deal with such incidents.
I’m so sorry, Megan. I’m sorry that this man did this, and that the other men in authority around him worked so hard to cover for him.
I’m so impressed with you. That you reported it, that you withstood the public scrutiny, that you remained faithful in the church, and that you are speaking out again now. Thank you for sharing and God bless you.
Thank you for the comments! It is amazing how powerful it is to hear the words “I believe you.” This happened more than 20 years ago and I don’t hold anger toward those involved, it’s in God’s hands. I am speaking out in hopes of making people more aware and more able to protect victims now. I was very lucky that my family moved about a year after this incident. I’m so grateful for those that believe me now and believed me then – and I’m grateful for the adults that did the best they knew in the situation. My parents believed me. My YW president believed me. I’m pretty sure my bishop believed me and he escalated it to the appropriate levels. I’m grateful to the stake president for conducting an investigation. He should have done more (like speaking to me) but I’m grateful for what he did do. This experience has made me sympathetic to victims of sexual abuse – and committed to believe their experiences. And should this ever happen to one of my own children or one of my young women (my current calling) I would call the police immediately.
Megan, Lyman called me about this just an hour ago. It was the first I have heard about this and I’m just sick over it. First, let me say loud and clear: I BELIEVE YOU, and I’m so, so very sorry that this was not handled appropriately. You are an amazing woman, wife mother, daughter, friend. I’m so proud of you. But this should NOT have ended like it did…
Thank you, Jeanne, I really appreciate your kind words!
Megan, I am SO sorry that this happened to you. It is not right. Those leaders were wrong. I believe you. You have a right to feel anything and everything you are feeling now and feelings that will emerge in the future (and as a fellow victim of this type of treatment, be prepared: repressed feelings WILL emerge at the most inopportune times. This Joseph Bishop incident has been a *major* trigger for me!).
I stand with you. I condemn the men who did this to you. God’s law does, too. Anybody who knows their scriptures and honors them stands with you and supports you, even if they haven’t met you yet. You are not alone!
Megan you probably don’t remember me but I grew up in that same ward and I remember the controversy when it happened and I can tell you that I never doubted your story for an instant.
Yes I remember you, thank you!
Megan, I honestly can’t remember if I heard about what happened from you or the friend you mentioned in your post. I believed you then and I believe you now. I’m really sorry that I didn’t know what to do to help back then.
Thank you! I told my husband when I sent this in it would be interesting to find out how many people I know read this blog.
I am so sorry that there weren’t protections in place to prevent this from happening! I’m so sick over how they failed you. And I believe you, and I’m proud of you for telling your story in such a powerful way.
I am so sorry this happened to you. I hate that the stake president said there was no evidence; he ended up protecting the perpetrator instead of the victims. It sounds like this man traumatized a number of young women, I hope he was reported to law officials.
I believe you.
Update: I wrote this post 6 years ago. I included my name because as I’d read other #mormonmetoo posts to my husband he always dismissed anything written by anonymous. I also intentionally didn’t include my maiden name or any identifying details to the place where it happened or anyone involved. Some people that know me now and knew me then commented. One of them was the current Bishop’s wife in that ward, where this man had spent the previous 20 years serving in callings with youth. That Bishop (the perpetrator’s at-the-time current Bishop) reported it to the church’s legal department. I was called into my at-the-time Bishop’s office. He was kind… but had been told by the church’s legal department to hear my story and decide if it was credible. He did believe me – and while I appreciate him and the difficult position he was put in, I am so ANGRY that this is how the church handled it. My Bishop was told to pressure me into calling the police in every state that was involved in that trip so many years ago and they provided this man’s personal information including his address. IF I provided these police reports, then my Bishop was told they would proceed with a church disciplinary council where they wanted me to travel to another state to testify about this. I looked up the laws and statute of limitations and realized that this would be a ridiculous effort. I talked to a friend who is an attorney that deals with HR issues. She was appalled at how this was handled. Re-victimizing the victim – and everything that goes against everything she was taught and practiced. I decided that I was not willing to do that. That providing fruitless police reports and traveling to testify would harm my mental health. There was a lot of pressure – and I was told, among other things, that I would be responsible for people he hurt in the future for not holding him accountable. I refuse to accept this – I spoke up then and any harm he has done or continues to do is on the organization and people that protected him. I was also contacted by a New York Times reporter about my post and asked if I’d be willing to speak on the record for an article (yes) and if I had any documents (journals, letters, etc.) I could share to corroborate my story (yes). The reporter didn’t respond to my offers to send journals/letters so I assumed the story got dropped, but I read through my journal from that time FOR THE FIRST TIME and was surprised at how accurate my memories were… in fact, how much my memories of that time were the memories of a young teenager… the only mistake is that I was not 15 as I remembered, but 14. It was the summer before I turned 15. Even that, though, was the memory of a 14-year-old girl who was telling people she was 15, well almost 15. Reading through my journals there were so many other things that I had forgotten. My memories were accurate, but incomplete. In the end, God is the judge of this man and his wife. And of the people that covered it up. My remaining anger is for the system that allowed this to happen – and still does to this day. Still today, men have a different accountability (stake president) than women (bishop). That stake president all those years ago believed a perpetrator – but he was also only willing to listen to his side. Even when multiple bishops came to him with stories from teenage girls, he didn’t believe them. He also wasn’t willing to hear them. It’s easy to believe someone if you only choose to listen to their story. Even if you took every teenage testimony out of the equation – this man and his wife lied and bullied his way onto the trip. Based on that alone, I think something should have been done. Sexism and unrighteous dominion are still rampant in this organization (see my post this year: https://exponentii.org/blog/guest-post-who-has-the-power-in-2024/) and there is no accountability when procedures aren’t followed. I believe with every fiber of my being that when the Savior comes again He will have every bit as much anger and condemnation toward our church as he did to the church of his day. So far I’ve stayed because I believe that, like the New Testament times, we have ordinances and there is truth here – imperfect as it is. I also understand why people leave and believe that, also like those times, the people that recognize and follow the Savior will include many who are outside our faith – and that many within our faith will struggle to see Him for who he is because it doesn’t match their correlated view of the world. I also recognize that I could be one of those people and try to be mindful of my own tendency to limit God. I’m not sure what will happen in the future. I don’t think I can go into a room with a member of my bishopric to renew my temple recommend when it expires in 6 months. This is trauma (and I think pretty understandable based on this post, this response, and the link I posted from this year). I guess we’ll see what happens. I hope for change – trauma-informed training for Bishops, feedback and accountability… but I don’t see any signs that it is coming.