by Rachel
Every Mother’s Day, my mom sends me a gift.
I also get her a gift, because she is my mother and it’s Mother’s Day (the day to celebrate her!). But she gives me a gift too, even though I do not have kids and am not a mother. However, on the point of motherhood, my mom and I fundamentally disagree on its definition.
My mom gives me a Mother’s Day gift because she is trying to be inclusive. She realizes that many folks my age want to be mothers but can’t create their own biological children. I get that. And I’m not upset by the gift (which is usually something sweet to eat). What does upset me is the theological rationale behind it.
My mom sees all women as mothers because in Moses 4:26, Eve is called the “mother of all living” by God, and this happens before she has physically conceived or borne any children. So, my mom argues, all women are mothers, whether or not they have children.
But there are a couple of problems with this argument. If we are all mothers, it devalues the work of motherhood. I am not a mother. I do not have to worry about toddler nap times, potty training and tantrums. I do not wake up teenagers to go to school or go to lunch with my young adult kids. I also don’t get to experience the joy and closeness that mothers can develop with their offspring.
I also don’t believe that calling someone the “mother of all living” is the same as saying that all women are inherently mothers. Being the mother or father of something can also mean that you are the first to do it. Thus, George Washington is sometimes called the father of the United States, or James Madison the father of the constitution. Eve is the mother of all living because she was literally one of the first two people on the earth (and the first woman).
Why do we not apply the same logic to fathers? If Eve was called the mother of all living before she had kids and that means she was always a mother, why was Adam not called the father of all living and always a father? Connected to this is the way that Mormon culture makes a huge deal about Mother’s Day on the appropriate Sunday in May, but barely nods at Father’s Day in June.
This gesture to be inclusive in reality further makes me feel different and isolated because I do not have children. My mom’s Mother’s Day gift to me reminds me that I am not a mom, even though my mom would like me to be. It is a reminder of what the Church perceives I lack, rather than a celebration of womanhood, as my mom sees it.
So women, as you’re getting your customary chocolate or flower pot each May, think about how Mormonism treats motherhood differently than others do. And consider that maybe we’ve got it wrong.
Rachel is a university professor and childless married woman who likes to bake and read.
Great guest post! People are always so confused why Mother’s Day is such a stressful day for so many women at church. (I’ve heard bishops throw their hands in the air and say there’s no way to make everyone happy.) But the reality is that women have very little they are praised for outside of motherhood, so we go full court press on that holiday in a way we don’t bother to on Father’s Day (because men clearly are important on their own).
I’ve seen a number of Mother’s Day gifts also given to the young women in the ward. Wouldn’t it be the weirdest thing anywhere else if someone walked up to a 12 year old girl and gave her a Mother’s Day gift? (She’d be like, “Huh? I’m in 7th grade. I don’t have kids.” And then we’d say, “Yes, but other women (Eve) have kids and you are a girl like her, so Happy Mother’s Day!”) (Equivalent would be to give children gifts on Teacher Appreciation Week because they MIGHT be teachers someday.)
Yes! You hit a nerve when mentioning priesthood apologists having no clue of other ways to celebrate women (i.e. equality?) other than pouring on sappy sentiments on M’s day. In our ward, all mothers were instructed to stand up, smiling sheepishly, waiting to be awarded the small ‘worthy’ token of gratitude by hustling deacons trying to find every vertical mom with humble head bowed. Meanwhile the unmothers in congregation are stoically sitting with pasted smiles praying for this dramatic moment to quickly pass -perhaps hoping one day they will one day be among those standing females. What an insult to both..and who can forget cringing upon hearing the ‘mothers of Helaman’ speech for the tenth thousandth time. Even as a mother of four in glorious Zion I avoided church that day like the plague. I’ll buy my own chocolates or flower thank you!
Well said, Abby. I definitely got Mother’s Day gifts from my ward as a young woman. I didn’t think too much of it as a 14 or 16 year old since I was happy to take the gift, but it is so weird. It’s only when we pause to think about it that the weirdness becomes truly apparent.
Yes! Thank you for this post. I’ve decided that if my ward gives out gifts this Mother’s Day, I will politely say “No thank you. I don’t have children,” and just refuse to accept it. If they want a day to celebrate women, they could choose international women’s day or the RS founding celebration. The church is so focused on women=mothers that I am sometimes left to wonder if I can even be considered a woman if I don’t have children.
I love the idea of the church emphasizing International Women’s Day over Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is just a landmine. Moms often feel bad because there’s no way they can live up to the inflated rhetoric; non-moms often feel patronized, pitied, or unseen for their unique gifts. I totally agree with the author — it’s definitely time for the LDS church to rethink the way we do Mother’s Day.
International Women’s Day would be ideal for celebration; I’m on board.
Or instead of understanding it from the Mormon warped concept that motherhood is the only worth women have, you could see it as the same as her giving you a birthday present. Just a celebration of the fact that she loves being your mother. After all you didn’t do the work of birthing yourself, so why should you get presents? Only because she is overjoyed to have you. Kind of the same thing. I once sent my oldest a card for Mother’s Day that said, “thank you for making me your mother. You were the best gift ever.” As well as wishing her happy Mother’s Day and telling her that I hope her children do something special for her.
Amen and great idea!
I had lunch with my “ministering group” or visiting teaching sisters, for lack of a better word. We are all single and childless, in our fifties and in a family ward. Not a single one of us is planning to attend Church on Mother’s Day and in fact haven’t gone for years on that day.
Mother’s Day is so fraught! I have definitely had many a Mother’s Day where I chose not to attend church or dreaded it intensely. Your group of sisters sounds amazing.
Sorry, I just want to get this out there. The Church has made it all about your worth. Mother’s are important. The rest of us are not, or not as important. Until they get rid of that mentality it will be a nightmare of a day for those of us without children. This “we are all mother’s” bull crap doesn’t cut it.
“Being the mother or father of something can also mean that you are the first to do it. Thus, George Washington is sometimes called the father of the United States, or James Madison the father of the constitution. Eve is the mother of all living because she was literally one of the first two people on the earth (and the first woman).”
Love this insight.