When was the last time you experienced a sexist comment? Maybe you were the only woman in a meeting and were asked to take notes. Maybe, when asked by the ward’s young women why the boys get to go camping, the bishop replies that “women’s bodies are too complicated”. Maybe your father-in-law accuses you of emasculating his son by making more money. Maybe your daughter’s teacher told her she was smart, “for a girl.” 

The question is not “if” but “when;” and I would also ask, what was your reaction? 

In the spring of 2020 the Utah Women & Leadership Project conducted an online survey where participants could rate their perceptions of sexism in Utah and share up to four sexist comments they had heard, and any response they may have made (or wish they made) to the commenter.  Over 1000 women responded and I was one of the researchers who got to go in and categorize the comments. Thus far we have three research briefs and Susan Madsen, Robbyn Scribner and I did two podcasts about the results, which you can listen to here and here. 

I am currently in a masters program in Marriage and Family Therapy and decided to use a therapeutic lens to see how the responses to sexism align with the body’s acute stress reactions: fight, flight, freeze, fawn (let’s be clear–sexist comments can feel as much like an assault as getting slapped). Fight or flight is an engrained survival instinct. When our ancient ancestors faced a dangerous threat, our amygdala sent signals that got the sympathetic nervous system to crank out stress hormones that either get you amped up to take on your opponent, or run like hell. And our bodies still do this, whether we’re facing a physical threat or a psychological one. These two responses rely on either strength or speed.

But what if you are neither strong nor fast? 

In recent years most of us have become aware of the freeze reaction. If your lizard brain says you cannot avoid a threat, then sometimes our bodies shut down and we just suffer through the threat, perhaps using dissociation or other forms of internal distancing to get through the trauma. It’s like a possum “playing dead.” Culturally women are often criticized for this response to physical aggression. “Why didn’t she run away” or “she didn’t even put up a struggle,” are the clueless commentary we hear when a woman freezes in the face of a threat. But these responses aren’t even conscious. We don’t “choose” how we will react. Our instincts and bodies do what they think most likely to keep us alive. 

I had not heard about the “fawn” response until a few years ago when our blogger Cruelest Month gave a presentation on mean girls at a conference, and expanded the “three Fs” to four, by adding fawn. In this instance, your gut tells you that your best bet for safety is to seek an alliance with the threat. Sort of a Stockholm lite, here you flatter, “fawn,” and try to placate the abuser. Habitual fawners have learned to create a form of safety by avoiding all conflict. Often they adapted to this stress response as a result of growing up in an abusive home, where accomodation was essential to survival. But in daily life, many of us “fawn” in response to sexism and aggression (micro & otherwise) by smiling, laughing, superficially agreeing, anything to just placate the perpetrator, who usually is in the power position, to get back to safety or get away. 

In my own experience, I have relied on all four, but in times when I felt really vulnerable, emotionally or physically, my responses tend towards freeze and fawn. 

Because nobody wants to read a 50 page post, I pulled a sampling of responses that seemed to best fit into these categories. 

Fight. The examples chosen do not reflect physical fighting, but show women responding by pushing back in some way that makes it clear they object to the situation. It’s hard to tell when they are responding from a place of calm, and when they are filled with adrenaline and channeling their “I-will-kick-your-saber-tooth-butt” warrior. Because sometimes we can be on fire on the inside yet deliver a retort with an icy precision. Either way, they are going toe to toe. 

Comment: When I was in grad school I was advised that I should be careful, “Not to educate myself out of marriageability.”

Response: I said that if someone did not want to marry me because I was more educated than they were, that was just as well, because I didn’t want to marry anyone who felt that way.

Comment: This person said we should not discuss Mother in Heaven because false doctrine has been taught about her.

Response: I told this person we should not discuss Father in Heaven because false doctrine is taught about him every day.

Comment: When I was given a promotion (not only because I’m great at what I do, but also I was literally the only person in-house with the qualifications for the job) another Jr. manager at the time said, “well maybe I should start wearing flashy clothes and batting my eyelashes at everyone too…I’d love a promotion of my own…apparently they’re giving them away.”  It was said in one of those “pretending” it’s a joke but everyone knows it’s not a joke kind of ways…you know the kind that is always followed up with an insincere “I’m just kidding” shortly after.

Response: My response was calm and sincere when I said “You know (name), my guess is that if you took the time to reflect on why you feel the need to put down exceptionally qualified, recently promoted co-workers, you might actually figure out what’s holding you back from getting a promotion of your own. You are a very talented and hardworking individual, so if you focus your efforts on a little self reflection instead of trash talking others, I have no doubt you can figure out what the road block is and achieve whatever you set your mind to…I’ll give you a hint though it has nothing to do with flashy clothes and long lashes. And another thing too, once you have decided to treat yourself and your co-workers with adequate respect and professionalism, feel free to stop by my office. I’ll even help you prepare your case for a promotion.

Comment: When I held an Executive Director position in Utah state government, a male, married, elected official from a different branch of government asked me if I would go on a ride with him in his fancy sports car.  He followed the invitation with the statement, “You know, anyone who rides in the passenger seat of my car goes topless.”

Response: I looked down into his eyes and said, “Great.  Hand me the keys and take off your shirt.”  He was completely speechless as I walked away.

Comment: A comment I get, as a BYU professor, about once a year, always from young male students: “Do you think you really should be here teaching full time, knowing you’re taking a job away from a breadwinner?”

Response: Because I get this comment so often from my students, I’ve developed a range of replies. Sometimes I explain that I am the breadwinner for my family. Sometimes I ask them if they feel that God would rather have me sitting at home watching TV. Sometimes I remind them that I competed against male faculty for my job and outperformed them.

Flight. Similar to fight, the flight instances were more psychological than physical threats, but the body’s response is the same: panic and exit. Again, it can be hard to decipher when someone leaves a situation because it’s an attempt to protect themself, or if it’s a rational decision to walk away. And sometimes the “flight” is changing the subject or mentally checking out. Either way the point is to get away fast. 

Comment: My husband and I were purchasing a new car.  I currently am a part-time homemaker and part-time student working towards my Paralegal Certification.  The salesman that was working with us constantly referred to my husband when he was explaining the features of the car and asking questions about the type of car we wanted.  The salesman then started to refer to my husband as “Boss”.  Such as, “whatever you want, Boss.”  “Okay, Boss.”  The salesman kept mispronouncing my name or would not even acknowledge I was there.

Response: I was so fed up I just wanted to get the purchase done and get home.  I did not let the dealership know of my displeasure.

Comment: While talking to another man with power in the workplace kitchen, “It’s a shame we have so many female applicants, women would be so much happier if they focused on being mothers”

Response: I did not make a comment as this was something I overheard. I left immediately after hearing it (the vicinity where it was said, not the workplace itself).

Comment: Cat calls from construction workers while walking in my neighborhood. “Hey babe”. Whistles “bitch”

Response: “Excuse me?” And I just kept walking to get away from them.

This was my favorite “flight” because once she rebounded from her trauma response, she gives him a dressing down that the Dowager Countess would be proud of.

Comment: A male superior yelled at me publicly after overhearing a private conversation I was having with a colleague. The comment started with “You damn liberals want to have it both ways,” and went on from there. It was less the specific content of the comment, and more the fact that he thought it was appropriate to behave that way toward me.

Response: I removed myself from the situation at the moment. But a couple of days later, I scheduled a meeting with him during which I told him that I found his behavior incredibly inappropriate and unprofessional, and suggested that he wouldn’t have behaved that way if I wasn’t a woman and a subordinate. I advised that I would not allow him to speak to me that way ever again, and that if anything like that were to occur in the future, I would not hesitate to escalate the situation and see that he was appropriately punished for his unacceptable behavior.

Freeze. We all know this one. Sometimes when faced with obnoxious comments, we are too stunned to do anything. We can’t think of a comeback. We can’t march out the door. We just sit there and take it, unable to respond. If you freeze, it’s not because you are a pushover. It is your brain and body trying to protect you from an unexpected assault, whether verbal or physical. 

Comment: My boss, in our employee lunchroom is playing a game of ping pong with other employees and about 50-60 people were around watching the match. I came down with my coworker that I’m friends with. He stops playing and points at me and says “Go grab me a coke. Oh and a napkin.”

Response: I froze…. was super embarrassed and didn’t know what to do. I highly disliked him, and most of the employees there didn’t like him either. We all knew how inappropriate he was and it was hard because he was also the HR Director.  I didn’t know how to respond.

Comment: When I was around 20 years old, while working at a hotel I was giving out tickets for drinks at a reception. A guy who purchased tickets from me said “You’d look good under me”. 

Response: I was young, at work, shocked, and didn’t know how to respond.  While in that moment when you hear something you know is not appropriate you have to be really quick to respond back which I think is hard. Or, you are shocked and don’t know how to respond and later wish you had.

Comment: A man explained to me (his supervisor) that he was going to “allow me” to do a portion of my job because despite the fact that I am not qualified, he prayed about it and God told him to “give me a chance.”  This was despite the fact that I was the supervisor and he couldn’t allow or disallow me to do anything.

Response: The only other person in the room was so shocked, she felt it difficult to contribute to the rest of the meeting.  She explained later that she felt unsafe saying anything at all, since she has to work with the man and she is only part-time staff.

Comment: I went to my male boss at an ad agency to let him know a male coworker had steamrolled me on a project (he stole all my ideas, refashioned them as his own, took out several of my favorites, and presented them to the boss). I knew there was some sexist lack of respect underlying this action by my coworker. Instead of showing care or understanding, my boss said “You know, maybe this is why there aren’t more girls in advertising. It’s really hard and really competitive.” (I was in my 30s, for reference, when he used the term “girl,” which made it even worse.)

Response: I was stunned and froze–I didn’t know what I’d expected from my boss, but this was worse than what I could have imagined. Soon after, I found a new job at another ad agency and resigned.

Comment: Your peer will be representing the study you did because it will look better coming from a man.

Response: I wish I knew what to say or what to do.

But even if we freeze in the moment, we can often take action when our window of tolerance has widened. Here’s a great example: 

Comment: “Don’t you worry your pretty little head, I’ve got this.”

Response: I was too stunned to say anything. Later, I called his boss and had him removed from the account. It had been a continuous issue.

Fawn: This is such a hard response, because we not only “fail” to protect ourselves in the moment, we appear to be unbothered or agree with the assault. This can leave us feeling shameful and complicit, and you can read how so many of the women, after the fact, have regrets and wish they’d handled it differently. But so often there is a power differential, where you do not feel you can fight back and that the fastest way to get safe again is to comply, with a nod, a laugh, or affirmation. It’s not your fault. Your lizard brain is trying to keep you safe in the presence of a threat, like saying, “Nice doggy” when a pitbull is growling at you.  

Comment: “I am so glad you wore regular pants today. Your other pants are highly distracting.” The workplace had originally allowed members of certain departments to wear casual clothes which included yoga pants so long as the shirt/dress covered everything. The peer came into my office and shut the door to say this to me, making it feel extremely uncomfortable.

Response: I was extremely uncomfortable and nervously laughed. I never told any management about it as I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I didn’t figure anyone would take it seriously anyway.

Comment: I was running for office and approached a man running for a partnership office (Chair, Vice Chair). He asked me a question about my stance and about five words into my response, he cut me off and started talking over me. When I tried to extend my hand, he embraced me in a hug and said, “I’m a hugger.” Very unprofessional, especially since we didn’t know each other.

Response: I wasn’t comfortable pulling away from him and making a scene, so I let him hug me. 

Comment: “Look at this photo of you. You look so hot in it.” This was brought up during a meeting with third party partners who were presenting the product that they wanted the company to integrate with. The person was my boss, and they said it in front of said third party partners and a Vice President level member of the company. He said it in a loud whisper while presenting a photo from my personal profile to me.

Response: I nervously laughed as he was my authority figure. I was hoping the Vice President would tell him it was inappropriate, especially with our partners sitting at the table with us. No one said anything. The third party partners looked uncomfortable but continued with their presentation. I should have probably said something to HR, but I was too scared. I went home and cried because I felt devalued as an individual in front of high level peers and the value of my work felt diminished. As though, the only thing I brought to the table was good looks.

Comment: My boss told me directly that he wasn’t considering me for a liaison/committee position at the university where we work that would have responsibilities outside of regular work hours because I was a new mother.

Response: At the time, I just nodded and agreed.  

Comment: Cleaning is a women’s job.

Response: I laughed. I should have said it’s everyone’s job, but he was my boss and I was afraid.

Comment: While my female colleagues and I were on our way to a women’s network meeting, a manager called after us and asked if we’d really just be baking cookies and discussing makeup tips just so we can have an hour away from our desks.

Response: We giggled uncomfortably because he was in a position of authority and didn’t feel comfortable sticking up for ourselves.

How to respond? While I am both an extrovert and tend to think quickly on my feet, when faced with a stressful situation like the ones shown above, I rarely have good comebacks. It can be helpful to have a few canned phrases at the ready. Repeating something short and firm won’t make the jerks go away, but it might give them pause and allow you a moment to settle your body and respond as opposed to react. Stay tuned for a follow up post where I have crowdsourced some helpful replies, and add your own in the comments!