This is the third in a series of guest posts on the topic of mixed faith marriages (MFM) from a variety of mental health professionals, coaches, podcasters, counselors and regular readers offering advice from their own experiences. Keep your eyes on the blog over the next few weeks for more great content, and feel free to submit your own essay to this series by emailing [email protected]. (Thanks! -Abby Maxwell Hansen)

Laura Parry owns Roots & Branches Wellness, a counseling center in Lehi, Utah specializing in maternal mental health and couples therapy. She holds a Master’s of Social Work from the University of Utah, and in 2019 became certified in perinatal mental health (PMH-C). In addition to helping clients through the perinatal period she enjoys working with those experiencing faith transitions. She earned a clinical yoga certification in 2021, and loves using the healing power of yoga, nature, and therapy for clients and for herself. She lives in Lehi with her husband, 3 kids, 2 cats, and 1 dog, and loves reading, hiking, and playing the piano. Please visit her website and Instagram @_lauraparry for more of her work.

It can be difficult to navigate relationships where religious differences are involved. I have compiled some tips based on my lived experience as a child growing up in a mixed-faith household, currently being in a mixed-faith marriage, and being a mental health therapist who has worked with individuals and couples in mixed-faith relationships.

First, the narrative, or story we tell ourselves, about the other person in the relationship can make a big difference in our ability to navigate these changes. Both partners can work toward mutual respect by being able to articulate their partner’s reasoning and craft a helpful narrative about why they left or why they stayed.

Here are some examples of unhelpful narratives about a partner who left the church:

• They’ve been deceived
• What they read online convinced them to leave
• They stopped (reading scriptures, praying, etc.) so they fell away

Here are some examples of unhelpful narratives about a partner who stays in the
church:

• They are being deceived
• They are blindly following
• They would leave if they’d just learn what I have

All of the unhelpful examples de-center the agency, autonomy, and lived experience of the other person. Here are some examples of helpful narratives about the partner who left the church:

• The church was causing them pain
• The church doesn’t align with their values
• They feel they haven’t been taught the truth at church and have lost belief

Here are some examples of helpful narratives about a partner who stays in the church:

• They believe the church is true
• The church makes their life better
• They gain (peace, community, etc.) from going to church

All of the helpful examples are based on the partner taking an active, rather than passive, role in their life choices; and come from a place of empathy. If we believe we are living in our integrity through our choice to either stay in or leave the church, we should work toward extending our partner the same understanding. Ideally we would be able to say, “I recognize that if I’d had their life experiences I would be making the same choice they are right now.” Creating this narrative requires a high level of differentiation, in which we become comfortable with our partner making different choices and having different feelings than ourselves.

It’s also helpful to actively work on living your shared values and creating new shared experiences. To create a list of shared values you can search for values lists on the internet like this one. You and your partner separately highlight the values that resonate with you and then compare. (A good exercise for all couples, not just for mixed-faith issues!) Nothing can quite replace having a shared religious experience but there can be other meaningful and important activities and events you can engage in as a couple to strengthen your relationship.

One partner having a faith transition might be the first big test of emotional connection in a relationship, and can be difficult to surmount without skills or support. A faith transition can be a clarifying time for your relationship. Maybe you realize even though you used to practice the same religion you never really shared an emotional connection because of it. Or, if you and your partner did feel emotionally connected due to practicing religion, it’s essential to find new ways to foster connection. Remember connection can be created in many ways. Make it a goal to actively express empathy and love for each other and be willing to practice connection in new ways.

Setting boundaries and increasing communication are also essential. It’s helpful for both partners to be as vulnerable as possible in sharing their “why” with boundary setting. If your partner has left and wants you to listen to every podcast and read every article, but you don’t want to, it’s ok to set a boundary. Saying “I don’t want to read that because it’s bringing up fear, pain, or grief for me right now, and I don’t think I can manage that at this time” is usually more helpful than just saying no. If the partner who stays doesn’t want coffee in the house, saying, “Making coffee at home is important to me because it’s something I’d like to try out, it will help me save money, and it is important to my personal expression,” is better than just making the coffee with no conversation. It does take two safe people to communicate in this way, and it’s ok if you attempt this and it doesn’t go as planned. It takes practice. Seek therapy if having these conversations is consistently too difficult or overwhelming.

Lastly, take care of your grief. If one partner in a couple changes their relationship with religion/faith it can make the relationship feel unsteady. It can be a time of uncertainty, where feelings of betrayal, fear and judgment are often present. Mixed-faith marriage necessarily involves grief, and suppressing it doesn’t help anyone. Many times the partner who has had a change in faith is grieving their previous life choices or the past version of themself. They also know their relationship will change and may begin grieving it even before their partner knows about their faith transition. In this way, the partner leaving religion might have a head start on some of this grief work. It’s essential for the staying partner to have time and space to grieve also.

Earlier this year I recorded a webinar with more tips on thriving in a mixed-faith marriage here (scroll down to find my name and enter your email to receive access).

Laura Parry, LCSW, PMH-C

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This post is part of a series about navigating Mixed Faith Marriages. Find more from this series here.