by MGM
On the day of my graduation I stood on a small bridge that overlooked a stream. Beside me stood my then girlfriend.
“What would you do if I jumped into the water?” She’d asked
“I’d jump on with you,” I smiled.
It was a small simple pact, yet at the time it was also beautiful.
Not many people get to meet the love of their life in high school. Many would probably scoff at the notion. Especially if that relationship would then have to go through four years of long distance.
College changed us, and our relationship, but through it all we stayed together and forged stronger bonds. Long distance, for those who may not be aware, is hard. It involves a lot of growing pains, and in my case a lot of insecurity. Through the distance, though, we learned to support each other. We learned to communicate more directly and honestly. We developed a mutually supportive relationship where we worked together and highlighted each other’s strengths.
We graduated college as the COVID crisis locked down the nation. In midst of the chaos and turmoil we decided to get married. Some of my friends in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints would scoff at the five years it took before we were married. Yet I treasure each and every one of the experiences we made.
We planned to go on to grad school together, however, life happened. I got a job, and that meant I couldn’t go with her. So for our first two years of being married, my wife went to grad school to get her masters.
She got the opportunity to go to an incredible school and do amazing work, but it was also 1,982 miles away. My wife is a continual inspiration in my life. Her drive and passion for what she does makes me a better person. So while I was sad that only a couple months after we got married I had to hold back tears as she drove across the country, I was also excited for her!
These are not life choices most people, especially in the church, would make.
“I could never do that.” Someone would say pity in their eyes as I went to church alone.
“I would never let my wife do that” another would say aghast.
“Ah, I bet your house is a wreck,” someone would say looking down their nose at my slightly wrinkled dress shirt.
I didn’t grow up in the church, though I did grow up in a religion with similar values. So at first I ignored the comments. It was, after all, difficult; I missed her every day. However after a certain point the comments started making me angry.
Implied in the comments was that, I “let” her pursue her dreams. That her career, dreams and aspirations should come second to my own; or that her dreams should revolve around the home and only the home.
As I continued to reflect, there was also an impression I felt of pity. It took me a long time to realize the source of that pity. The pity that I saw in the eyes of many that I came across, came from their belief that I could not take care of myself.
This more than anything else made me upset. I’m not a child. I do not need my wife to be my mother. Though I cleaned the home, though I cooked and cleaned, though I ironed my own clothes, and showed up to church, I was somehow less than the others, because I “let” my wife develop her soul.
Meanwhile, in the same ward we had women whose husbands traveled, left the church, or left them. These incredible women raised kids in the gospel, worked full time, and yet somehow I was more deserving of pity and praise for my perceived struggles. The pity was not Christlike, it was just sexist.
I learned to let go and to try to understand. My only wish in writing this is to bring into focus our need to move society forward. A society where we celebrate, cherish, and grow the gifts Gd has given us. One where we promote and celebrate the achievements of women.
MGM is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day, a husband, a flavor chemist, and an amateur gardener.
11 Responses
Thank you for writing this. I am currently at the tail end of a 4-month job opportunity that took me across the country from my home in Utah and husband of 33 years. He is well-respected and constantly helps out neighbors, friends, and family and has been a completely capable adult since before I met him. Patriarchy hurts everyone, and you’re right that it is simply sexist to assume that only women can take care of themselves, their homes, and their families without a partner. It is also sexist that women in the same position as your wife and myself will get judged for leaving their “primary duties” as everyone else’s supports to follow their own dreams and do something for our own professional futures. I expect big changes, however, from Gen Z and younger church members who are far less sexist, racist, and anti-LGBTQI than their elders. You and your wife are proof that the future can be so much better.
That’s so cool! It’s sad that the sexism of the patriarchy, prevents us from celebrating everyone for who they are and the value that they bring. It’s so hard to watch my wife work with so much passion and love for what she does, only for certain members to make her feel like her work is worthless. I will say it’s not all members. Yet, it doesn’t make it any easier, especially with how the church tends to make it so that women are seen only as nurturers and mothers, rather than as individuals with incredible talents and abilities. I also have hope for the voices of the newer generation! Though, similar comments to ones mentioned in this article were also made by Gen Z. Hopefully we can all lift each other up! Regardless of our age haha.
*by some who were Gen Z, obviously not all.
Great post. There is a lack of depth in conversations at church and most small talk can revolve around ignorant phrases and tropes. The mental safety of everyone fitting the same mold and life path is so limiting, yet that is what much of Mormonism can be. I love seeing examples like yours that shine a light on a different good way to be and live.
Thank you! It can feel disheartening in the church at times. However, I have faith in the ability of people to grow and change. Not everyone chooses to, but some of the people I talk to overtime become more open minded. I think in the same ways we are taught by Christ to teach the gospel, with love and compassion, we can also lift people up and open their minds. It can feel like your a single voice alone in the wilderness, but I’ve seen people change and grow.
I love this coming from a male perspective. I see how internalized patriarchal values hurt men, assuming how incapable they must be without a wife/mother to help them. We need more men to speak up to break down these ideas, and I hope younger generations will help to push this move forward.
Thank you! I agree we do need more voices willing to speak up!
I think the false assumption that men can’t take care of themselves is partially women’s fault. There are women who are insecure and so they need to believe their husband cannot live without them. They let them get away with not doing any chores around the house, and are proud of things like their husband doesn’t even know how to turn on the vacuum or start the washing machine. Their husband’s helplessness isn’t seen as laziness on his part, but proof that she is such a good wife that he doesn’t need to do those lowly tasks. And the Relief society, when I as female have surgery, they bring in meals. But when my husband has surgery, they assume I have everything under control. I mean, I do not need meals brought in when my husband has surgery, but neither does my husband as he can cook, and there are fast food joints just down the street.
Before you think I am blaming the whole problem on women, there are men who think that household tasks are women’s work and they refuse to learn, acting incompetent when asked to do anything they feel is beneath them.
But there is another reason for the pity that the OP didn’t mention. That is the assumption that if the wife chooses to be separated, then there is a huge lack of love. I saw this when we were low ranking enlisted Air Force living in Germany. Those of low rank had an unaccompanied tour, which means the government didn’t provide housing or transportation to get the spouse to Germany. And it was hard as renting a German apartment took 2/3 the total income and there were no jobs for spouses. Some of the wives decided they just couldn’t live that way and went back to the US. The husband felt abandoned and took t as proof that she didn’t love him and filed for divorce. This was boomer generation, so I would hope things have improved. But there will still be those who assume there is a lack of love if she isn’t willing to give up her dreams and life to be with the husband. Also very sexist because when men choose to be away for their career, there is not that assumption. A man’s career is so he can take care of the family but a woman’s career should always be second to her being there to physically care for the family.
I’m the wife in question, and yes, I do get the feeling that people think I don’t love my husband enough. He is incredible and doesn’t feel that way. And it does take other sacrifices! I made less friends during school because I reserved more time to FaceTime my husband. It is a trade off, but I didn’t do that because my husband was insecure. I did it because I DO love him and want to be with him.
But too many assume that men can choose to be away from their spouse without difficulty but any woman choosing time away is “selfish.” Don’t even get me started on being called selfish…
Wow, thank you! That’s all certainly true. Some of the comments that people made, similar to the ones I mentioned in the article, were made by women. To your point about women telling men they can’t function without them; We had someone bear their testimony that “I’m so thankful for my wife, I need her mothering care to help me, because otherwise I can’t function.” Latter blaming his attire that was a bit disorderly on the fact his wife was out of town. I’ve also known guys who weaponize ignorance. “I can’t bother learning how to cook, because I’ll never cook as good as my wife does.” I think the topic of church members serving in the military is an interesting one. Anecdotally I’ve heard of women serving in the military and because of how church is structured for service members feeling well loved and appreciated while in the military. Yet, when they come home often feeling disconnected as their service is often devalued. I know my grandpa(in-law) is one of the most open minded people I know. He served in the US Navy and would go 6+ months with no easy way to contact his wife and family. Because of that he’s incredibly supportive of my wife. I think this is an area were church values and Christs teachings can conflict with some of church culture. Christ taught us to be loving and compassionate to all, and yet sometimes members fall into the trap of devaluing others and themselves. I think your right that the source of some of that pity was thinking we lacked love. Interestingly, some people asked me why I didn’t abandon my job and move with her. They believed that love demanded that one of us should sacrifice ourself, our dreams, for our spouse. To not do so showed lack of devotion. Yet I’ve seen what that kind of sacrifice does to people as they grow older. They lose themselves, and grow to have resentment. Sometimes they take that resentment out on others who didn’t make the same sacrifice they chose. However, I have hope that we can lift eachother up. People have the incredible gift of being able to grow and change!
I love that you and your wife support each other’s dreams. I remember when I was in college I was relieved not to get married, because my female friends who married before graduating tended to drop out to support their husband’s education through unskilled labor and/or have babies young. And my education was important to me! That was not the fate I wanted. I love that you found a different way where you could marry without your wife giving up her education.