A rumination essay with elements drawn from On Morality by Joan Didion

Guest Post by Tess Brody. Tess is a former LDS young woman who has spent the past few years reframing her perspective on the natural world and her place in it. She has found solace and grounding in her writing.

As it happens, my ribs ache from Adam’s transgression, yet I am punished for Eve’s decision. To be a woman is to face exoneration on a plea deal of purity that will never be ordained by a court of law because to be a woman is to be a mother, and I cannot possibly be both. I would like to be as divinely loyal as Ruth, yet I find myself distrusted because of our first mother. I would like to be as divinely strong as Esther, yet I find myself diminished in the shadow of Samson’s strength. To be a woman is to be a temptress, but to be a woman is to be obedient. To be a woman is to be a perfect mother, but to be a woman is to be pure and chaste. I am faced, it seems, with the constant duplicity of the expectations of womanhood, and my mind veers inflexibly toward the particular. We believe that men will be punished for their own sins and not for Adam’s transgression, (Joseph Smith, Article of Faith II). 

Here are some particulars of the divine. The first name in this essay is Adam’s, and Eve only exists secondary to him. Here are some particulars of anointed divination. Mary has yet to be mentioned by name, her story merely alluded to in the first paragraph of this essay. Here are some divine particulars of my divinity. I have managed to ignore Lilith’s story until this point, choosing, as many clergymen do, to ignore her disobedience in favor of Eve’s nearly perfect submission. This is what it is to be a woman, to be a god. Begging to be believed, factitious in the eyes of the beholder. There is no winning way to exist as a woman. We believe that through the atonement of Christ, all mankind may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel, (Joseph Smith, Article of Faith III). 

There is an inherent dissonance in the story of the Virgin Mary. Should her divine testament be accredited to mendacity, then to be a woman is to be a liar, an adulterer, and a whore. Should her divine testament prove to be authentic, then to be a woman is to be a virgin, a mother, and a saint. Because we cannot accept the Bible without accepting Mary, her son must be the product of immaculate conception. A virgin mother, the exemplar of womanhood, virtuous and devoted. All women must be Mary, but no woman can be Mary lest they claim divine power. We are the ones left to burn for such atavistic standards, and divinity becomes nothing more than a brutal punishment. Biblical women lend a guiding hand for their modern daughters- be as loyal as Ruth, be as brave as Deborah, be as cunning as Delilah (do not be as naive as Ruth was, do not claim priesthood as Deborah did, do not get in the way of men as Delilah did). Vestigial values sprout from me, planted in my chest by the gentle hands of my Biblical sisters, but I am unable to identify which belong to women and which belong to my Mormon bishops (who were, of course, men in the exclusive). We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul- We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things, (Joseph Smith, Article of Faith XIII).