Dear Eliza,

All of my life, being a member of the LDS Church has meant being “all in” and “exact obedience.” I’ve been all in by attending church, reading my scriptures, and praying about revelation give to church authorities. I married in the temple and followed a traditional path for an LDS woman. Despite this, I have doubts. I don’t always agree with what is taught over the pulpit. I’m not comfortable with fully embracing every part of the LDS faith. I’m at a place where I can no longer just put these questions or concerns on the proverbial shelf. When I pray with questions, I don’t receive an answer to simply obey. I’m not miserable or lost or falling into sin. When I try to talk with my bishop or my husband about my concerns, they speak from places of fear and warning. I want to participate on my own terms to support my husband and continue figuring out my faith, but I’m told this makes me a “Cafeteria Mormon.” Sometimes it feels like this is considered worse than simply not practicing any part of my faith. I love many things about the faith I inherited, but I have doubts. Is it okay to be a “Cafeteria Mormon?”

Sincerely,

Conflicted in Columbus

Dear Conflicted,

A friend recently referred to herself as a “Part-Time Catholic” and I told her about “Cafeteria Mormonism.” We both laughed a little at the commonality. She explained that she embraces the complexities of her individual faith, hangs on to traditions that move her, and doesn’t continually fret over the rest. This might not be the official handbook way to practice her faith and that’s okay with her.

Another friend of mine helped me find peace at the height of my faith crisis. At that time, attending LDS services felt unbearable and I agonized over whether or not practicing a faith I didn’t fully believe in–and sometimes disagreed with–was the worst hypocrisy. I also heard the refrains of “all in” echoing in my brain. My friend, who grew up in a different faith, understood. She told me how she visits her parents and occasionally attends church with them in a faith tradition that she no longer fully believes in. When she attends with them, she focuses on the beauty of the traditions, the commonalities they share, and the community of believers. She doesn’t have to agree with everything they practice in order to honor and appreciate their faith. This perspective dramatically changed the way I approached church services. When I am struggling with my place in religion, I remember her words and feel peace.

Yet another friend of mine has spent her adulthood seeking a faith home. This means she has joined with and fully participated in different Christian traditions. While they share commonalities, these faiths interpret the Bible and practice their beliefs in unique ways. It’s clear that this exploration has brought my friend joy, increased her empathy, and deepened her appreciation for the role of faith in her life. I’ve always felt that her journey was less about finding the “right” religion and more about seeking and connecting with God in diverse places.

Some would ask why we “Cafeteria Mormons” don’t simply find a new faith or give up religion altogether. There are a myriad of reasons for continuing to participate and attend, however. Simply leaving usually isn’t so simple. You aren’t obligated to defend your attendance or apologize for participating.

Only you can decide what’s best for your spiritual, mental, and emotional health. It is not only okay, but healthy, to doubt and question. That is part of spiritual growth for many of us. There isn’t one right way to experience or participate in faith.

Sincerely,

Eliza