Don’t Seek Answers From Those Not Asking Your Questions

A few years ago, I was asked to meet with a friend. She had recently felt a great desire to know about Heavenly Mother, and was feeling frustrated with the lack of information about Her from official Church resources. 

She had dealt with learning about complex and messy church history for a few years. And she had found ways to be nuanced and affirming for LGBTQ loved ones. But when she suddenly wanted to understand more about Heavenly Mother, she thought her best and only option was to seek answers from her bishop, especially since she didn’t know how to find Her in scriptures and manuals. 

She told me she had met several times with her bishop, asking him to give her more information. His limited response to just be okay with not knowing much about Her, and the traditional rhetoric of needing to protect Her and not talk about Her was frustrating. He couldn’t find a way to satisfy my friend’s need for more information, so he referred her to the Stake President. The same thing happened. Limited answers, repeated rhetoric, instruction to not seek more information, and if more information was really needed, it would come from the top leaders of the church, and she needed to be patient and wait for the Lord to speak to them about it. 

She decided that they were intentionally withholding information, and expressed frustration that they would not share it. She kept insisting they tell her more. The Stake President became frustrated, and threatened discipline if she did not stop accusing them of keeping information about Heavenly Mother from her. Unfortunately, I could relate to this treatment all too well.

This is a woman who had served consistently and faithfully in ward and stake positions all her adult life. She had always felt she could turn to her leaders when she needed help, or answers. As she shared this experience with me, it was clear this was very painful for her. This is what had brought her into a faith crisis. 

“Why?” she asked me. “Why won’t they answer my questions? Why are they so unwilling to tell me about Heavenly Mother?”

I emphasized to her that I could understand her frustration, and I did not want her to feel I was in any way minimizing her pain with my own questions for her. I said I hoped she could see ways to take charge of her own journey in seeking understanding.

Then I asked her… “Have you considered that they don’t know anything about Heavenly Mother? And that they don’t have any answers to give you? And that they have not thought to seek any of the answers or information you are seeking? And that church leaders do not receive training in how to listen to someone’s questions, and be able to say that they don’t know, that they don’t have an answer, and that it is good for you to ask and keep seeking from other sources?”

She asked, “Then where am I supposed to learn about Her?”

I asked, “Have you considered going directly to the source? Have you asked Her directly?”

It took a moment for her to realize what I was suggesting. The thought of seeking her own answers, her own connection, her own awareness of Heavenly Mother, of Divine Feminine, by asking Her directly had never occurred to her. She didn’t know how that might look, or if it was even possible. We talked a bit about what she longed to know, and what she would have done if this were an academic question at school, or a question about her job. She said she would seek answers from books, or experts on the subject, or she would do her own research. I asked her if she had ever prayed for answers for herself, and could she consider that she could speak in a very personal way in her prayers, seeking connection with a God who sees her and knows and loves her beyond the limits imposed by any tiny human imaginations. Who did she imagine when she was seeking answers that way? Could she imagine that she had always been heard, seen, known and loved by Heavenly Mother – a powerful Goddess who was not limited by the small space accorded Her by those who did not seek Her. I asked my friend, if her own children came to her, desperately wanting to know her or have a deeper connection to her, wouldn’t she want to respond? Wouldn’t she want them to know her, and know their mother loved them and was there for them? Could she consider that Heavenly Mother would want you to know Her, would want you to feel Her love and presence?

Then I asked if she had ever really been able to receive an answer to a question she was not asking? When she or her husband had been called to leadership positions, did either of them suddenly become knowledgeable about all the questions and concerns of everyone in their calling stewardship? Could she see that this is the case with anyone else, especially those in leadership positions at all levels? If they are not asking the questions, they will not receive the answers. There is often a stigma placed on even asking. 

I imagine it is possible that many have had a conversation like this one, either from my own position, or that of my friend. I have had a number of similar conversations with people who have spoken to me about their own faith journey. They find themselves yearning for more information, often in a deeper or more complex sense than what they have heard in lessons or meetings. They assume leaders in their ward or stake, or temple, or in Salt Lake have the answers they seek, and they ask questions of those leaders. When clear answers are not forthcoming, there is frustration, possibly a sense that a leader is intentionally withholding information, and with that there might be a feeling of betrayal or anger. People seem surprised each time I ask them to consider that the leader might not have the answer for them because that leader has not asked the question, or sought that information. It usually hasn’t occurred to them. 

I have noticed that when people share experiences of being called to leadership positions at all levels, they never say they were asked about their knowledge of church history, complexity of sacred text, stages of emotional development, understanding of faith journeys, mental or emotional healthcare, women’s healthcare, budgeting of finances or time, gender issues, sexual development, or even if they think the opinions of current church leaders are more important than the teachings of Christ. 

I have served with ward and stake leaders who had little expertise with any of the things just mentioned, but they had humility and a willingness to try to minister, and encourage others to put ministry first. Some continued to focus on leading by Christlike example during their entire tenure, often having a healing impact on many. I have seen others of those leaders gradually become fearful that they could not answer the questions members had for them, and they were afraid to admit they did not have the answer. Some had such awe and admiration for anyone in leadership over them, they shifted their focus away from the needs of their own ward and stake members, and focused only on listening to those in higher positions, and trying to impress them. When a leader is fearful of hearing questions he cannot answer, and afraid to say he does not have the answer, or afraid to encourage a member to seek for answers from other sources, or afraid to think he is not controlling what is happening in the ward or stake or area, there is a risk that leader will try to eliminate the inquiry or the inquirer, even if it does great damage to do so.

And yes, I speak from personal experience.

It is a horrible thing to see someone in leadership – at church, or school, or legislature, or community of any kind, say or do what they know is false or harmful rather than admit they did not know what to do. 

It is especially difficult when this very human behavior happens in a church that began with a young person who was fervently seeking answers. Church and community leaders discouraged his questions, which they could not answer or which they were not asking. The experience which we, as a church, claim as a sacred, foundational event is one where Joseph Smith sought answers directly from God. 

I have never had a sense of condemnation, or fear, or rejection, when I have taken my seeking to God, in all ways I experience Them. I am deeply grateful for the ways I have learned to recognize the questions They can answer, and how They answer. It has completely shifted my prayers, my conversation with Them. I sense there is no question They have not asked, at some point in forever. I have learned how to let go of those questions that could only be answered by a micro-managing god. I try to practice asking questions that presence the God that transforms me.

I love seeking greater understanding. I think it is good to meet with others to discuss questions and insights and doubts and concerns. I would like to see that happen in more meetings of all kinds, especially schools and churches. I think one of the best ways any of us can minister or make a difference in our communities is to encourage inquiry and seeking. It may mean we learn to make comments in class that invite awareness of different experiences or views, without condemning someone or shutting down a conversation (because many of us know how harmful that is). One way I sustain leaders is by respecting what their calling is for, support them when they are trying to act in that calling, and being aware that most of the time they will be speaking and acting as the human they are in their regular life, with all the concerns, lack of understanding, and biases that are a part of any of us, which are not in line with their calling. I try not to assume anyone is asking the questions or seeking the answers that are mine to seek. From my experience, most bishops are more concerned with keeping the primary staffed than they are with questions someone might have about the nature of God. I encourage people not to add to their burden by asking them questions they have not and might not be able or want to consider. 

I especially encourage people to remember this whenever they gather to hear leaders speak. Leaders speak from their own experience, their own inquiry, their own perspective. I have heard many leaders acknowledge this about themselves. They cannot provide answers to questions they have not yet asked. I hope those who listen will allow words which speak of a loving, expansive God to inspire and nourish them. I hope they will set aside messages that do not acknowledge their questions, experience or existence, recognizing that it is not God, but the speaker who has not yet sought to see, hear, or love them.

I am so grateful I was raised in wards and branches that I felt embraced the 13^th Article of Faith. I could believe all things, or anything that was worth believing, wherever I found it. I, myself, could seek after anything worth seeking, anywhere I felt led to seek. I did not have to wait until someone else gave me the answer. I did not need to only ask a few approved questions of a few approved people. That article of faith is an essential part of my faith journey.

Now, in this time of access to many reliable, fact checking news sources, I am also relishing the easy access to many online groups, podcasts, conferences, or gatherings for discussion and inquiry with others who are asking and interested in questions similar to mine. It makes it easier for me to focus my questions or comments in classes at church on Christ’s life and words, or my experiences with them. I don’t feel a need to ask more nuanced or complex questions there. I look for people or gatherings where deeper seeking is shared, and the frightening possibility of shifting paradigm is understood with grace and mercy. Because paradigm shifts are frightening, at times devastating. Even if they lead to greater light and knowledge, and the possibility of being grateful to see that it is better to pass through sorrow, that you may see what you could not see before.

I don’t think it is helpful to insist that someone who is not ready or able, should take on your questions which might be inviting you toward a life altering journey toward wisdom. I hope we as individuals will resist the habit or culture that suggests we should expect our leaders to have all the answers. 

Give yourself permission to create your journey of seeking answers and asking questions wherever you will be heard with patience, grace and love.