I’ve had polyamory on the mind lately. And it’s not because all the buzz around the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives “soft swinging.” A few years ago, a close friend shared that they had opened up her marriage of twenty years. She was raised in the church and married in the temple. If she could go back and do it all over again, she would not have chosen monogamy from the start. But ethical nonmonogamy was of course never presented as a fork on the covenant path.
I have been struggling recently with regrets for a life that felt chosen for me. My track was the covenant path. Seminary. Temple. Mission. Marriage. Yes, I chose all of those things, but I wasn’t truly allowed an alternative path. The choices were presented: Obedience or spiritual death. Obedience or loss of belonging. Obedience or damnation.
Looking back, I would have chosen things differently. But I likely would have still chosen monogamous marriage. It works for me and in truth it’s something I choose to recommit myself to every day. But my choice for monogamy is no better than someone’s choice for non-monogamy or someone’s choice to remain single.
Learning more about polyamory has allowed me to examine the stereotypes and biases I hold, as well as think of sex, love and relationships in a more expansive way. I have had to parse out notions of what makes a relationship ethical. Coercion is wrong no matter what context it’s taking place in. Abuse is abuse and is never justified.
The multiamory podcast has been a fantastic resource for me to broaden how I think about relationships. They recently interviewed Brett Chamberlin, the director of OPEN – Out and Empowered: Protections and Visibility for non-monogamy. He talked about the importance of the laws that have been recently passed in Cambridge, MA and Oakland, CA.
“It is about liberating human connection from the social scripts that usually play out through mononormativity, but that there’s a range of other relationship structures and relational structures, not just in terms of romantic relationships, that are prioritized, right? So it’s about moving away from the society where we elevate the monogamous romantic relationship to the very top of the stack, and it’s about giving people more freedom across the board to pursue the types of family and relationship structures that are rewarding to them, whether that involve romance, intimacy, or just committed connection with a platonic life partner, and allowing all of those relationships to have equity.”
Laws recognizing or protecting polyamorous relationships have not been on the books long. In 2022 a case came before a New York State court. Several BYU professors declared the courts would destabilize marriage through the legalization of marital polyamory. Katie Rich wrote a wonderful response to this, pointing out the issues of consent and power imbalances in Mormonism’s own history.
Mormons may be triggered by the idea of polyamory precisely because of our history with polygamy and the unequal sealing practices that still exist today. I can also empathize with those who have been harmed by infidelity, this being a major factor in my parent’s divorce. I also know Mormons to be kind and thoughtful people.
I care deeply about my friend who opened her marriage and I’m grateful she felt comfortable sharing that part of her life with me. A 2021 study by the Kinsey Institute found one in nine people have been involved in a polyamorous relationship. The study also found that of people who were not personally interested in polyamory, only one in seven respected people engaged in the practice. Many people choose to remain closeted about their nonnormative relationships, fearing ramifications in their personal and professional lives. Openly talking about polyamory can make a difference in their lives.
Lux Alptraum points out, “Monogamous people (particularly heterosexual ones) often take for granted how much freedom they have to reveal even mundane aspects of their personal life without fear of repercussion or backlash; for poly people, being able to claim some of that freedom for themselves removes a tremendous burden.
And that, for many non-monogamy advocates, is the most important reason of all to come out. In the same way that queer visibility has helped change the public perception of same-sex relationships from “freaky sex thing” to just another way of being in love (and led to anti-discrimination laws, marriage equality, and the end of sodomy laws in the process), vocal non-monogamists hope that public education and visibility around their lifestyles will help reduce stigma, increase social acceptance, and potentially even lead to legal protections.”
One of the legal protections needed is custody rights. Misconceptions abound about polyamorous individuals and the effects of alternative relationship structures on children. If we truly care about families and children, let’s do the work to protect them and support healthy relationships no matter what form they take.
18 Responses
Our history of polygamy and supporting women who have been betrayed by their partners has taught me that partner betrayal is really, really bad for women’s mental and physical health. I’m sure there are exceptions, but it’s just very damaging in general, of course to men too. So when partner betrayal is built right into relationships (like it was for polygamist women), it’s really hard for me to believe it’s really a good or healthy situation for women. Research by Sue Johnson demonstrates that monogamy is most sexually and emotionally fulfilling for both men and women. I personally suspect that most polyamorous situation originates in either men’s wants or the marital problems their undealt with issues cause. Instead of improving our relationship, let’s just add more people and have other options. There are many reasons I’m very skeptical about polyamory being good for women, for children, and for society at large.
I’m all for being kind to and accepting of polyamorists we know in real life without asserting some moral high ground. They are agents on their own journeys. I don’t doubt they learn interesting things about themselves and find better ways to do polyamory. But I think for most Mormons, we’re so wounded by the spiritual abuse of polygamy and the fear of marriage intruders, and so invested in monogamy that this isn’t a suitable or passionate cause for us to take up.. Marriage with one person is more than enough complicated and demanding for 99% of us. I personally wish the Church would just go all in with monogamy, revise the polygamy doctrine as something we’ve fully moved on from, and use the virtue/goodness of monogamy that most Mormons resonate with as a springboard for blessing gay marriages.
Do you know any poly families that are out or when you suspect it comes from unresolved issues or the husband is that just like a bias thing? Personally I told my husband I was queer before we married and tried to he righteous enough to cure me. When we had a faith transition my husband encouraged me to explore my identity. We’ve been married 24 years and are a family including my partner of 6 years and we all live together. Poly gave us the opportunities of more independence (more time for hobbies and interests) and allowed us the opportunity to rise about insecurities and realize no relationship whether it be a friend, partner, mentor, work buddy, etc diminishes the relationship that we have.
The institution of marriage has deep patriarchal roots. Even if the first presidency announced tomorrow that polygamy is totally gone (that’s not happening when two of them are expecting to be polygamists in the eternities), there would still be the massive problem of a select group of (white, straight, cis) men defining what a “good” marriage is.
Blaire Ostler’s book “Queer Mormon Theology” has some beautifully expansive ideas about what sealings could mean in mormonism.
Thank you for the book recommendation! And yes, it is definitely a problem when only privileged few get to define a “good” marriage
To your concern Candice that it isn’t a suitable cause to take up, I think a person can be personally invested in monogamy and still recognize that others should not be discriminated against based on their family structure. A common misconception is that people for polyamory are against monogamy. They both can encompass virtue and goodness. I think one reason why many active Mormons are for gay rights is because of the visibility of sexual minorities. People are more likely to care about something if it affects someone they know and love.
This is just anecdotal, but I often hear stories of men who want to open up their relationship and the woman hesitatingly agrees. The result being the man struggles to find dates and the woman has a much easier time and comes to realize monogamy wasn’t that fulfilling. So she ends the relationship.
I can’t find any good sources right now, but I think there’s data showing that women are more likely to initiate an open relationship. So I think the notion that polyamory is something that only men want and than only benefits men is not based in reality.
I’ve listened to a lot of people discuss polyamory, and it’s the exact opposite of partner betrayal. There’s a heavy emphasis on communication and boundary-setting that is probably way healthier than a lot of monogamous marriages, especially ones in the Church.
My family is polyamorist and it works so well for us. 24 years of marriage to my spouse and 6 with my partner and we all live together. I appreciate this post because SO many people think poly is about sex and just like ALL relationships sex is only a small fraction of it. The independence it provides to each do our own hobbies and share in household duties has helped immensely. School pick up has never been easier. I hear people joke “monogamy in this economy?!” And really housing and all expenses are easier for us.
I do not miss the days of being jealous of women flirting with my husband. I don’t miss the days of worrying and insecurity. Poly has allowed me to understand that other relationships don’t take away or diminish our relationship in any way. I’ve known people closer emotionally to their best friends than their husband’s and truly there’s no way 1 person can match anyone persons needs fully. Each relationship offers unique needs to be met and the freedom from toxic monogamy which is rampant (queue the spouses with shared Facebook accounts and snipping at each other for staring at someone “too long”
Thank you Jen for sharing your experience. Having everyone’s unique needs met is a big part of it. Glad it is working well for you and your family!
This post is very interesting to me, because this is a topic I know next to nothing about, and have never had the desire to personally explore. As I was reading, flags kept coming up in my mind – skepticism, judgement, confusion. I appreciate that this was written, because it made me mindful of ~why I was reacting the way I was, and made realize that there always more I need to learn.
I’m also chewing on the idea that just because this is something I would never want for myself, doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t work for someone else. WITH THE BIG CAVEAT that total, enthusiastic consent/transparency is needed from all parties.
Anyway, thank you for writing this! It challenged me.
Thank you for reading with an open mind! The enthusiastic consent from all is a key part of it.
A big part of my faith transition has involved learning not to judge others based on their sexuality. I still struggle with polyamory in exmormon circles however because I see unhappy women trying to force a smile and hold their family together and it makes me wonder if this is just Mormon polygamy 2.0! Until I see more women initiating and requesting it, I will struggle with this one!
I think observing polyamory in Mormon circles would be particularly difficult because of how patriarchy permeates through everything. It can be hard to disentangle from those scripts even if someone has stepped away from the church. While research on polyamory does show slightly higher rates among men and sexual minorities, it is practiced by people in diverse income, religious, political, racial and other groups.
This post tells a friend’s story without us knowing much at all of that person’s story or thoughts, such as why or how they arrived at this as a solution– I wish we were hearing that part.
An anecdote here or there for polyamory becoming a solution, working okay or being convenient isn’t necessarily going to persuade anyone away from their moral reservations and reasons for skepticism. With more important and noble moral causes in the world, it’s a hard sell trying to recruit allies for polyamory. It’s hard to believe this is something people really need. It’s not spiritually inspiring and it’s hard to see how it would help the world instead of just create more chaos and identity/community crises for people.
It’s clear in the Book of Mormon and the Bible that monogamy is God’s law. If you want to speak to a broader Mormon audience (not just ex-Mormons) these kinds of topics might drive people away and lead nuance members to see you all as having a bias toward ex-Mormon, individualistic, and far left liberal agendas. The best posts speak to both sides and don’t try to persuade people to deconstruct common core Mormon values (in this case marriage, chastity, traditional family structures).
I intentionally chose not to include her reason because part of the problem with judging is that we tend to judge someone’s reason as valid or not. Of the handful of polyamorous people I know, most have been initiated by the woman, in large part because of their queer identity. Does that make it more worthy or acceptable? Or should we extend the same consideration to others when the relationships are ethical regardless of the motivation?
As for speaking to a broad audience, I hope that both active and ex-Mormons can see the need to understand any marginalized group and not deny protections based on personal morality. When I first started reading the Exponent (as a very active member) I was grateful for the many articles addressing LGBTQ+ issues. Yes, I did have to deconstruct what I had been taught my whole life about gay marriage. It took my brother coming out to even start. I know so many active members who care about their queer family and friends and fight for their protections. It doesn’t have to be either/or.
My daughter brought in a third party hoping to keep her marriage. She later said that it helped, but only succeeded in delaying the breakup of a poor marriage. So, it became a three way marriage. When they split, everyone went separate directions. She divorced her husband, and the other woman left pregnant.
When they first announced that they were in a polyamorous relationship, I tried to warn her that no matter what you call it, three in a marriage is always unstable. Either, two women balance one man and the women are each subordinate to the man, with all the problems of polygamy…even if the wives are having sex with each other. Or, one couple of the threesome becomes dominant, focusing their love on each other, and the other individual is left out and becomes unhappy. But, one way or another, someone usually becomes unhappy.
Sure, there are exceptions. The lesbianwho decides to continue to coparent with their best friend with benefits and brings a bi sexual woman into the group. And the bisexual woman loves both of the couple with children. But finding a third party that compatible both personality and sexually, with the both parties in the heterosexual couple is hard. And, let’s face it, the problem of two people in the relationship loving each other more than they love the third person is pretty huge. Someone would have to be satisfied with only a portion of a spouse because they are loved second best.
But the women who were happy with polygamy were satisfied with a portion of their spouse because their career or their children were much more important that the spouse. So, we really have some of the exact same problems that exist under polygamy. Some people would like it, and others end up feeling betrayed and heartbroken. I think with my daughter’s polyamorous relationship they all three ended up heartbroken.
I understand the scepticism because I felt it initially as well. Then I started learning about other peoples’ experiences and, rather than discount them, I opened my eyes to a whole way of living that I find extremely beautiful.
Responses like yours (and my initial response) are precisely why poly folks don’t feel comfortable sharing their experiences. Now I’m deeply involved in the queer community and nearly all of my close friends live some form of nonmonogomy. Successfully. It’s about open communication and consent. Those are 2 things many heterocouples don’t do well because they’ve never had to learn. Poly and nonmonogomous people outline what they need and what they expect, explain boundaries (mental, emotional, and physical), and revisit the rules periodically. This isn’t a far-left agenda (which is a pretty telling rhetorical choice you made, honestly). Instead, this is about people who are deeply connected to each other and find joy in their relationships. They don’t judge you for your monogomy–it would be wonderful if you extended the same courtesy.
I’m seeing a common misconception, and one that tells me that many of the people here haven’t known people in a poly or ethical nonmongamous relationship (they’re different). Instead, it seems the common thread is a man who may have grown tired or may be a new-to-poly person. Dan Savage says that when a woman decides to explore nonmonogomy, it’s generally an ethical decision. When a man in a monogomous relationship does, it’s generally unethically based, and often the woman feels forced into the situation. That is NOT ethical nonmonogomy, and it certainly isn’t polyamory. Instead of rushing to a conclusion about polyamory based on the unethical choices made by (usually) men. I encourage you to research polyamory by polyamorous people. Just as we encourage people to learn what LDS folks are like by getting to know us, I urge you to understand what true polyamory is like by speaking to actual poly people.
I’ve thought about this a lot in the abstract and have realized that I don’t really care how people arrange their relationships as long as everyone is an adult and has given full and enthusiastic consent. I went to Jordan several years ago, where polygamy is legal, and my tour guide told us about a friend of hers who was a second wife; she had her own apartment in the city, lived her life, her husband came over as scheduled, they spent some time together and then he returned to his first wife and she carried on with her life. It worked for them. With non-monogamy in this country, I’ve heard stories of both when it worked and when it didn’t, and when it doesn’t, it seems to be because all the parties did not give enthusiastic consent. One gave in at the request of their partner. Of course that doesn’t go well. That doesn’t mean the setup is inherently bad.