The day after the US presidential election I blogged about my sadness in a post titled “The Election Makes it Clear: I don’t share values with most Mormons.” Some of the comments on the Instagram post surprised me because they seemed to assume that I have left the church. To be clear: I’ve never left the church and am actually fully stereotypically active in the church. I wear garments, have a temple recommend, serve in the Relief Society Presidency and do all the “things.” This isn’t to judge anyone who has left the church, I just want to say where I’m coming from.
It feels like there’s a very small sliver of people who fall in my category of someone who is fully active but still willing to talk about problems in the church. I feel like the general consensus may be, “So why does someone like me stay in the church?”
There are a million reasons that go into any decision for any person. But since it’s Christmas season, and since I loved the new movie that came out this season, “The Best Christmas Pageant Ever,” let’s talk about just one of those reasons.
For those who haven’t seen the new movie (or seen the old one or read the book), the story is about a family of children living in poverty. It’s clear the children have experienced lots of adverse childhood experiences and the town folk see the kids as the “bad troublemakers.” When the kids show up at the community church, everyone there wants them to leave. However, there’s one mom who lets them stay and be in the Christmas pageant (even though all the other moms want her to kick the “bad” kids out).
The other moms are horrible. They are gossipy and rude and have absolutely no ability to be loving to these children who need community so badly.
If I were in that church community, I could see myself wanting to leave those gossipy women behind and find somewhere (anywhere!) else to go. But the main character stays. And she’s the only one who has the heart to love these kids. She’s the only one who is a true Christian for those little kids.
To be clear, I go to church with a lot of people who share my values and my situation is nowhere as extreme as the story I watched on screen. But I am still often sad by how many people in my religion do not share my values. The week of the election I was particularly sad about that. But that week, I sat in the audience of the “Best Christmas Pageant Ever” and thought to myself, “I choose to stay.”
My faith community is important to me and there are kids in it who need to be loved by people with my value system. Perhaps staying is how I ensure that can happen.
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Author’s Note: Sometimes it can be lonely walking this space of full activity in the church while being willing to discuss problems in the church. If you’re in this space too, please let me know in the comments! I’d love to hear that I’m not the only one.
Also, check out the trailer to the movie if you haven’t seen it. I highly recommend the movie!
20 Responses
I’m a card carrying, fully active church member like you. I even substitute teach release time seminary. And I have 3 lgbtq+ kids. I don’t actively speak up about the problems with the church for the most part, but there are things I have issues with. In my calling and my job, I refuse to parrot church policies that do not support my children and people like them. I continue to stay for the gospel of Jesus Christ and hope for change in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to more fully align with the gospel.
I was IN until about 6 months ago. I could tolerate all sorts of issues that I felt affected me (patriarchy, sexuality discrimination, lack of tolerance, the occasional praise of Trump in Sunday School, etc.) but as soon as I felt like they attacked my trans daughter it was like a big mama bear reared up inside me and I said nope. And I am still in in some ways: I read the Sunday School and RS lessons, I pray, I communicate with ministering sisters, entertained the missionaries the other day, wear garments, attend the temple when I can (until that recommend can no longer be renewed). I just don’t feel okay entering the building where I would have to clear out the bathroom for my daughter to go (if she came). We are all at different points in our relationship to the church and I think they are all valid based on our own experiences. I am glad someone is there who will listen to those who are struggling without judgement, but sometimes there comes a line and I was very surprised that I found one and crossed it.
I felt similar pain to you over the last 6 months. That policy change was very hard for me. I have a nonbinary child who no longer attends church. They had a good experience at FSY and it broke my heart to know that will no longer be an option for kids like them. I talked to my Relief Society president about my feelings regarding the trans policies. She passed my feelings on to the Bishop. They both offered love and kindness, which is about all they can do in this situation.
I remained mostly active, even after I started attending church as my feminine self, Jennifer. I didn’t get much out of the lessons or most of the talks, but I wanted to help my ward family learn to be comfortable interacting with a trans member. I also wanted to provide hope to closeted youth that they could come out of the closet when they were ready.. Things were going going pretty well until the new transgender policies came out in August. At that point, I just had to take a break. I’m thinking of returning, at least part of the time, next year because I don’t want the Q15 to believe they can chase off all the trans members that easily.
Thank you for this. wonderful post! I loved this book as a kid – good to know the movie with worth seeing, too!
I am like you – active but “edgy”. I have three callings, two kids in primary, but wear pants to church every Sunday and quote Richard Rohr in my sacrament meeting talks. I had a “VOTE HARRIS/WALTZ” button pinned to my church bag (it was hard to take that off).
Since the election, I have felt prompted to focus on my community – my small circle of influence – to battle to doom-and-gloom of the larger world. Serving in my ward is a part of that. I hope that by staying – by giving and receiving love in my own unique way – I can be a participant in renewing and reforming Mormonism for the future.
Today, with the information I have now, that is my intention. That is my choice.
I relate to your status as a card-carrying active member who is more progressive than most. I’m lucky to live in a ward that has several other women who are like me, so it’s not terribly lonely. I think we have power to do a lot of good in these situations.
It’s like you speak directly to/for me. Thank you for this post. So good to know there are others who see and feel differently from the “norm” but choose to stay.
I found it helpful to read this today. I am fully active too. Hearing voices like this helps me feel less alone. It can feel like we are pariahs, esp. if we speak up publicly, but I think there are far more of us than we think.
It can be lonely. On Sunday, the RS teacher asked for insights about what to do when there is something you should believe in or value, like how polygamy was ordained by God (and a couple other examples) but you resist having faith . I said in some cases, teachings/pieces of Mormon history are so personally painful that its not enough to put them on the shelf, it might be better to stop believing in them. I said that no longer believing polygamy was commanded by God had allowed me to stay in the Church and find healing in my relationship with God. I said every religion is led by people who are both inspired and fallible. The teacher grabbed the mike from me after that as if I was dangerous. The RS president fixed what I said by bearing testimony of Joseph Smith and how the Church is the one true faith on the earth. I felt pretty unwanted and unsupported. Some people talk about our church as not being capable of supporting the “Second half of spiritual life.” That might kind of be true in some ways, but I think people like us speaking up carves a path for that space to gradually grow bigger.
Sometimes in nuanced spaces, I sense assumptions that people who have left faith behind are more advanced/smart/evolved. On the other hand, its obvious many believers see those who have left as fallen/wrong. I’ve grown allergic to both these stances. Believing and not believing are both valid paths that can lead to growth. For me it’s more a question of what each of us needs and desires most in our lives. My Mormon spirituality helps my mental health be better. I want the hope and spiritual experiences it provides me with. I know that I am not less advanced, intelligent, or just need to “see the light” of Mormonism being invalid or a fraud. It’s a mystery none of us gets to decide for certain.
Church is both painful and meaningful to me at this point. I don’t have much hope of it being something I enjoy with my kids throughout their lives, trying to raise them in the church has become really stressful. But I also connect with people in a way I need sometimes. I currently help lead ward choir. There are people involved in making choir happen that have unique needs and situations whom I have learned to love. I feel God’s influence in my life through connecting with them.
I love everything about your comment. I’d love to be in your ward and sit with you and learn from you.
I used to believe what church leaders said when they criticized cafeteria Mormons. Now I have ultimate respect for them. Choosing to stay and embrace the parts of the church you believe in when part of the church is impossible to accept is much harder than staying when everything is easy.
I love this! In the scriptures, there is that story where Jesus says something like “if your hand offends you then cut it off, it is better to cut off your hand than to perish in unbelief” (I don’t remember exactly what it says but that’s the general idea). I used to not think much of this but now it has new meaning for me. I really struggle with the temple and this verse basically says to me “if the temple is hurting you, then cut it out of your life. It is better to lose your relationship with the temple than to lose your entire relationship with God” Sometimes we are expected to accept everything the church tells us, but If a part of your spiritual life is cancerous and harmful, it should be cut out.
You are not alone. I’m also over here loving, hurting, doing all the things, and staying. I live in a conservative place, wear pants to church, talk about Heavenly Mother, argue with the bishop, and they still made me RS president. There’s grace to be extended and good to be done here. I’m with you.
I was a pants-to-church-wearing RS president years ago! I felt like the only one. Pants at church is way more common now, but it’s still good to know there’s others like me :)
I just want to wrap you up in my arms and hold you, Mimi. Thank you for sharing. You are living a beautiful life that blurs the lines and borders used and made up to divide us. And that is hard. It’s hard to live and witness both worlds, both sides of a border, straddle the middle, and love everyone but belong nowhere – at least “belong” by the definitions of both sides. I just want to hug you.
Also, this is my very favorite Christmas story! We read it every year. I had not heard about the movie?! Thank you for the recommendation. And thank you for being what Gloria E. Anzaldua called a Nepantlera, a supreme border crosser.
Part of the reason I stay in the church is because Jesus taught us to love our enemies and there is no better place for an American feminist to learn to love her enemies than in the LDS church
Hi Mimi! You are not alone, but it feels lonely sometimes! I too am fully participating, but I have a more progressive and/or nuanced position. I am also a ward choir director (hi Candice!) and it’s the right fit for me. I try to help build a tiny microcosm of Zion in choir, where all are welcome to participate together regardless of age, gender, ability, or level of belief.
Christ said to love our neighbor right?
He didn’t say, that I’m aware of, to only love those who look, act, dress, think, talk, vote, live, believe, like me. He simply said LOVE THEM.
I voted for Trump the first time for what he wasn’t. Another robotic politician. I didn’t know much about him then. Obviously more of his, questionable at best, character has been revealed in the last 8 years.
My theory about why we vote one way or the other is because typically each of us consume and are fed a steady diet of confirmation bias from our favorite goto media sources. We become what we eat. We believe our chosen narrative.
I don’t think people on either “side” are good or bad. They’re a product of the information they are exposed to. I believe each of us is doing our best and, generally speaking, want a similar outcome for our country and our church.
I’m no longer interested in changing peoples minds. It’s futile and exhausting. I found that a better position to hold is actually trying to UNDERSTAND what’s in their minds and how they got there. It helps to see the humanity in our perceived foes rather than increasing the divide by “othering” them.
It’s also a psychologically freeing space to live in.
For most of my adult life, I willingly consumed nothing but a steady diet of fairly hard right conservatism. It left me feeling frustrated, fearful and angry of anything and anyone on that “other” side.
My friend groups have doubled since coming more toward the middle (which is where I think personal peace and freedom actually live).
So try it. LOVE THY NEIGHBOR with the simple goal of understanding them. It may surprise you.
It worked for me.
PS I love the community and things I learn as I have embarked on this feminist journey as a 55 yo white man😀
I would love to go to church with all of you that have made comments here. Include me in this sliver of a group. Much love to you all ❤️
I stay…but it is hard. I don’t believe, but I believe in loving my neighbors and many other morals that created what makes Mormons awesome people. The pain is real and the growth that comes from that is real too. Living and interacting in the middle is where growth happens, I believe.
There are more of us like you than you know
THIS. I’m the only one out of seven of us still in the church. I’ve had so many people in the church ask, “Why do you stay?” I’ve even had some tell me that I should leave because my progressive views aren’t what the church teaches. **Maybe they should go back to the later 1800s/early 1900s and see how the church encouraged women to get out there and be voices in their communities. But that’s another post.
I still remember sharing one experience I had as a teen when I shared my father’s abuse and how I was labeled a ‘bad’ girl by my then-first counselor in the bishopric and for my BF-his daughter- to stay away from me. As if my father’s abuse was catching. A cou;ple members in my present ward told me that they would have also told their daughters to avoid me as it was their responsibility to keep their children ‘safe’.
It saddens me but what keeps me going is I do believe in the gospel. I remember the wise words of one high counselor who told me to ask myself if what someone says is their interpretation or does it come straight from SLC leaders. This helps me realize that some of the SS and RS lessons are just that. Someone’s interpretation and nothing more. Saying all that, it is hard and I’ve been known to walk out of classes and voice my concerns.
Thanks for this article. You aren’t alone. It also helps me to know that there are others like us out there.