If I asked my LDS friend to go with me to have our fortunes read – palm reading, tarot cards, a crystal ball – they’d most likely laugh. Someone, usually a woman, claiming clairvoyance and a connection to things beyond or world? Ridiculous. Belief in someone’s claims to authority bestowed as an unasked-for gift? Please. Vague predictions that could apply to just about anyone, but given in a spiritual setting to the emotionally vulnerable? Give me a break!
Yet, a patriarchal blessing is all of these things, except led by a man who claims to get his authority from God. His hands are his instrument, but we know Joseph Smith used a seer stone in a hat, so would utilizing an object be so outrageous? You don’t pay for a patriarchal blessing, of course, but you do tithe in money and the patriarch receives increased respect, authority, and influence for his efforts.
My patriarchal blessing meant a great deal to me at one time in my life. I received it after the death of my father, before I would experience an incredible bout of depression, and as I was starting a new chapter of my life. Priesthood authority felt so significant at that time because I was convinced that my home suffered from its absence. Really, I mourned the absence of my father, but that’s a whole different post. At this vulnerable time, I needed God to speak to me and direct me. I recall the blessing feeling so personal, although vague and heavily open to interpretation.
A recent reminder of patriarchal blessings, after not thinking about mine for many years, offered a new perspective. I recognize that these blessings are a sacred experience for many and most patriarchs are entirely earnest and sincere, so I’ve wrestled with voicing my criticisms. And, honestly, that’s the cornerstone of benevolent patriarchy: convincing all participants that the good outweighs the bad and that dissent is harmful.
At this stage of my life it surprised me to discover that a patriarchal blessing, something I’d always viewed as fairly sweet and benign, is actually problematic. The man giving the blessing is imbued with authority and generally older than the recipient. He tends toward an air of wise, yet humble, but especially wise. Latter-day Saints encourage people to get blessings when they are young and impressionable so that this can be the most impactful. This power imbalance all allows the patriarch leeway to give speeches filled with scriptures and admonitions, even to virtual strangers. He speaks with immediate intimacy and foreshadows potential problems with blessings, patiently explaining why blessings can even often appear similar without individual revelation. He cautions about blessings being roadmaps and not fortunes. He even reminds participants that blessings can be for this life or the next (covering all bases). And then the blessing begins.
And what’s the harm in a lovely blessing, really? Quite a bit, actually. At a vulnerable moment in someone’s life, an authority figure, usually older, proceeds to give a blessing that advises the individual on how to be the ideal LDS person and gives promises primarily related to performing Mormonism correctly to continue the mission of the Church. The blessing is not generally that individualized, is purposefully vague, and prescribes a very limited way of living. While the LDS Church supposedly values choice and agency, experiences like this emphasize how there is really only one good choice and makes all others literally not of God.
It would be one thing if most blessings simply encouraged people to live good lives by following Jesus, serving others, seeking justice, being merciful, pursuing their talents, loving others, valuing family, bettering their communities, caring for the less fortunate, etc. Those guide you in what you should seek to become with your choices. That is beautiful and inspiring. But blessings that tell someone to go on a mission, get married in the temple, have children, etc., (and then say maybe not in this life) are spiritually limiting, manipulative, and, frankly, a missed opportunity to truly inspire people to listen to their own spiritual guide.
And then there’s your patriarchal lineage through the twelve tribes of Israel. This is another way to remind our children that priesthood lines all and authority all come through men (even though mom has the priesthood too!) It also tells us what our job is as part of that (man’s) tribe. Remind me again why kids aren’t encouraged to trace the priesthood genealogy through their mother’s line when learning about family? But I digress…
Honestly, at this point in my life, I am more open to a friend who offers an intuitive reading or gathers some tarot cards to pull than I am to a patriarchal blessing. In this scenario, they offer no grand authority or promises. I have no obligation to them and there’s no expectation that they’ll benefit from my actions. Instead, it’s a gift they give to inspire, heal, offer hope, and maybe needed guidance. What I receive from the reading is often based on my own experience, emotional state, and current needs. No strings attached.
While fortune telling has certainly been connected to fraud (as have religious healers), what makes their belief in a connection to the supernatural so different than a belief that men can receive a special gift to know God’s will for individuals? It’s not the payment because the Church is “paid” in volunteer hours, mission calls, temple workers, tithing, and people who unfailingly wait for their promised blessings to be fulfilled in this life or the next, no matter the sacrifices.
Ultimately, if we really want our children to be strong individuals who choose for themselves, patriarchal blessings disrupt this process. In many ways, they serve as a safeguard against choice. I often find myself asking why God needs so many intermediaries to speak with us. Why is God’s voice filtered so often through men? I would rather my children learn to listen to the spirit and speak to God directly for promptings and revelation.
9 Responses
When I received my patriarchal blessing I believed the man who gave it to me was inspired. Later, my mother received her second blessing and the patriarch knew her so his blessing nailed so much of what she was going through.
Only until much later did I find out that patriarch’s have a template of what to say while giving someone a blessing. That’s one reason why most are very vague. You can read just about anything into them. What I don’t get is all of those people who said their patriarchal blessings either stated, 1) they were going to lead us all back to Jackson Co. Missouri 2) they were going to be bishops or other high callings in the church **I was always curious what happened if that didn’t happen.
I played clarinet in the middle school band and took piano lessons starting in 7th grade. I thought it was fun, but also I rarely practiced and I wasn’t naturally talented. I was always last chair and spent waaaay too long in the beginner piano books. However, I was the only one in my family who did anything even remotely musical, and my mom somehow thought I was more talented than I actually was because she had no point of reference.
When we met my patriarch and he was getting to know us, my mom raved about my musical talents. I wanted to explain that sure, I played multiple instruments (two of them) – but I was actually in the bottom 10 percentile of natural skill and effort, and she just thinks I’m great because she’s musically clueless and was trying to say nice things about me.
It was so strange to me then when my patriarchal blessing talked about my musical gifts and how I would use them throughout my life! I know I had none, and I assumed God was also well aware of this. Yet my blessing talked about it like my mom was giving the blessing instead of God. Huh??
I realized then that the patriarch had been fishing for things to talk about in the blessing to personalize it to me, and that every word didn’t come from God. (Also the blessing was pretty boring otherwise.) I never felt a great connection to it.
Over the course of a lifetime….I’ve come to the conclusion that there is actually no difference; ZIP, ZERO, NADA…….Beautiful words; but no more meaningful than a good friend attempting to give you advice!
I’d say less meaningful than an old friend though – because it’s not someone who knows and loves you and wants to best for you – it’s someone old you’ve never met (possibly senile) who wants you to follow the church script for the rest of your life as closely as possible!
I know many people that have felt extreme angst and guilt over blessings or promises that haven’t been realized. I have.
I had mine pretty much memorized and felt very connected to it until I started having children and my experience didn’t resemble the blessing at all… in fact, once I read it to my children and they laughed when it described, extensively, our peaceful home. I have children that are neurodivergent and have some mental health issues. Parenting has been hard, intense, exhausting. Nothing like the entire paragraph description in my blessing. I haven’t read it in years but still struggle with letting go of the shame and angst that I somehow didn’t do what I was supposed to.
Watching my children get patriarchal blessings has been challenging. 2 children, 2 different patriarchs so far. Neither knew my child well.
I really appreciate the nuance, sensitivity and honesty in this post. I esp. like this: “I recognize that these blessings are a sacred experience for many and most patriarchs are entirely earnest and sincere, so I’ve wrestled with voicing my criticisms. And, honestly, that’s the cornerstone of benevolent patriarchy: convincing all participants that the good outweighs the bad and that dissent is harmful.”
I appreciated having a blessing as a kind of lide map as a young person. It meant a lot at the time. But as a parent amd aunt, I am experiencing this ritual largely as another tactic for committing young people to the Church. One kid in my family’s blessing didn’t mention music at all, even though this is how he spends most of his time. It was really disappointing. My own daughter is not interested and senses the ulterior motives. I wish dad’s could give them, but this could also be problematic. We need ways to teach kids to contribute to forming their own life maps/goals/hopes.
I’ve also known people whose blessings are dissonant with their real spiritusl needs and thus have caused anguish. And I think a lot of people feel guilt abt not managing to do what their blessings dictate.
Some of the most harm I’ve heard of patriarchal blessings doing is in the lives of our queer kids. As a therapist who works with the LGBTQ population particularly, I’ve heard how much promises/exhortations about marriage in the temple, marriage to someone of the opposite sex, and the importance of their eternal nature and roles of the gender they were assigned at birth cause internalized homophobia, transphobia, shame, and denial of pieces of their identity.
My own patriarchal blessing was wonderful for me. I went in having prayed about specific questions and I received direct answers to those things. Other things I was worried about at the time but hasn’t thought to pray about (polygamy) I received answers to through the Spirit at the time of the blessing (basically, I am loved, valued and equal in God’s eyes and I don’t need to worry about polygamy.) Granted, the specific questions I went in with were very standard (Will I ever marry? Am I forgiven of my sins?) but I felt heard and known by God, and amazed at the trust and promises offered in the blessing.
I want the experience of feeling heard, seen, known, valued, and loved to be one my children have, too. My oldest three have left the Church, and now, I give blessings to my children and husband. After getting over my internalized sexism and trying to figure out the format that felt right for me (which has actually been many different things) I find giving blessings to be an extension of what I already know well how to do: use the best information I have to receive the best revelation I can, listen to the Spirit, make sure it’s not about me, convey what feels true and loving. Having had so many experiences with priesthood blessings being complicated and unclear and often unfulfilled, I also believe it is perfectly good to give myself grace.
Your comment’s first paragraph is entirely my story. I delayed getting a Patriarchal Blessing as long as I could, fearful that it would only verify everyone else’s expectations for me, and not reflect any personal connection to my actual soul. I desperately needed it to demonstrate that Heavenly Father actually knew me. There were maybe two sentences that showed that (but, as the Patriarch also personally knew me, he very well may have just relied on what he knew about me), but the rest showed exactly how much Heavenly Father did NOT, indeed, know me at all, and just expected me to conform in exactly all the ways everyone else around me expected – conforming in ways that made me feel suicidal and would utterly destroy me (and not in a “and then build you back up” kind of way, but in a “you are exactly as worthless and unworthy as you’ve been led to believed. You only matter inasmuch as you suffer for men’s wants and desires, because YOU and your own wants and desires don’t matter. Period.”). At least, that is how I took it — at the time, and even now when I re-read it, over 25 years later. (Yes, I left the Church, but my Patriarchal Blessing still brings a sharp stabbing pain in my gut when I think about how completely unseen and dismissed I felt when what I really needed was a demonstration of Love and Heavenly Acceptance).
I’m so sorry Wendell. You deserved to know you were actually known and seen and loved by God. I hope leaving has come with healing and that you now have the experience of being known and loved by yourself and many others (maybe including God)!