Improving mixed-faith relationships in families is a rising topic of interest. A recent Mormonland episode featured how Utah Valley University professor Kimberly Abunuwara and her students recently wrote and performed a theater production, In Good Faith, that recreates conversations recounted to them in interviews with members of mixed-faith families. The UVU team noted that some families they interviewed are having open-minded and supportive conversations about their perspectives inside and outside of the Church. 

Familial interfaith harmony is becoming the model for healthy relationships in mainstream Latter-day Saint circles. Faith Matters recently published an interview with therapist and educator Valerie Hamaker that promotes “not fearing others’ faith journeys.” Hamaker asserts that “if we don’t learn how to speak with one another in the church, in the peripheries, inside of the edge, outside of the edge, and in the middle, the casualty is the family. And we are in the business of trying to help families in the LDS faith.” She discusses how parents can maintain close relationships with adult children by respecting their decisions and becoming curious about their perspectives (future quotes by Hamaker also reference this Faith Matters episode).

A family member recently texted me about her desire to focus on building relationships now rather than fixating on a future afterlife, explaining, “when we ‘think celestial,’ we lose the opportunity to heal the world in which we currently live. We value the afterlife more than the world around us; living for the future distracts us from developing the ability to be present. And that presence is often how we show up to truly love.” We can certainly benefit from hope that our relationships with God will continue in a life to come; sometimes I have found it absolutely necessary to lean into this myself. However, we also need hope for connection and healing in the present. 

What if “think celestial” could mean bringing a full measure of love and inter-belief respect into our families here and now? Could it be all of us, religious or not, sitting around the family table as equals, unrestrained in our hopes and support for each other? Could celestial thinking include “surrendering any theology that invites or evokes fear” (Hamaker)?

As an ordinary member on the ground, I’m noticing a gradual and sometimes dramatic shift toward such thinking. Open-minded approaches are increasingly common, even in families who once had low tolerance for differences. Many families are learning interfaith conversation skills and are no longer treating religion as a non-question. Some of the same individuals who once judged or alienated family members are starting to respond with warmth and understanding. We are healing old wounds, starting to surmount our worst theological hazards, and reshaping Mormon culture. Here are a few real-life examples of the kinds of shifting dynamics I’m noticing, as well as some of the benefits these changes can bring:

1. A man in his thirties opened up to his family for the first time about how he never developed a testimony. He finally felt he could be open without hurting his relationships with family members. At this point, most of the adult family members had recently gone through some kind of faith transition, largely due to the challenges of raising the grandchildren. The uncle’s honesty signals that it is safe to express your genuine beliefs and to not be a church-goer in the family. He is also an example of living according to many Mormon values despite believing differently.
2. Two Boomer parents accepted the invitation to read The Ghost of Polygamy with their Millennial daughters. Together, the family differentiated from the standard teachings about polygamy. The parents started listening to and validating their daughters’ concerns about gender inequality in the Church with more openness and care. Both generations supported each other in claiming greater personal moral authority about gender, sex, and marriage. This brought healing from painful truth claims they once felt obligated to uphold.
3. A young adult questioned her faith after her spouse left the church. After a frustrating General Conference experience when she didn’t feel seen or inspired, she called up her older sister who left the church twenty years before. This was the first time they’d ever talked about the older sister’s struggles with church life. It was healing to both of them. The older sister accompanied her sister through spiritual pain in a way no one else in the family could do. This led to both sisters feeling more seen and loved by each other.
4. During an at-home testimony meeting, an uncle with an independent approach to his Latter-day Saint faith shared that church is often alienating to him. But he continues to value his spirituality because he can feel Heavenly Parents’ love for him. His 12-year-old niece, who was feeling judged and controlled at church and who was suffering from school anxiety, was touched by his words. Other adults in the family value his honest sharing and his proven capacity to emotionally support grandchildren in the family who have left the church, who identify as queer, and who are facing mental health challenges.
5. A woman was in pain after her child came out as queer and left the Church. She felt angry at the Church due to policies and teachings that had affected her child. It was a younger sister who had left the church years before who reached out to her to give her the emotional support she needed during this difficult time. They drew closer together than ever before, and this brought a lot of joy and connection into both of their lives. As she continues to work through anger and pain about her relationship with the Church and as she expands in her faith, she benefits from connecting with both her Latter-day Saint siblings and her siblings who are no longer members. Both accompany her in unique and loving ways.
6. A young adult who left church in recent years lightheartedly jokes with Latter-day Saint friends that the religious majority in his parents’ family keeps shifting as siblings get married and as the young adults’ beliefs develop. It used to be majority non-LDS, but due to an upcoming temple wedding, they will now be 50/50 LDS/non-LDS. His GenX parents are spiritually stretched by having a truly mixed-faith family, something that has never happened in their lives before.
7. A millennial couple whose teenage children experienced cognitive dissonance and unhappiness at church switched to a low pressure approach to faith. They told the teens that all that they expected is that they attend any spirituality-focused or service-oriented community meeting regularly. They intentionally discussed how they love all their extended family members and respect the decisions and values of those who have left the church. They made it clear they will be proud of their kids whether they end up involved in the Church or not as adults. This is helping the children have more open-mindedness to Latter-day Saint faith because the inclusivity, respect for agency, and humility modeled by their parents is in line with their developing values. The new approach is bringing parents and children closer together and increasing respect and peace in the family.

Why are our approaches to relationships and faith changing? Among other things, a perfect storm for change in attitudes about belief and belonging is raging. Families are being spiritually stretched and are learning to resourcefully leverage diverse and non-orthodox perspectives to better support younger members. Here are elements I see coming together to prompt change:

1. Teens and young adults are facing increasing pressures and demands to compete and succeed at school, the workplace, and socially. Stable careers, good salaries, home ownership, and in-person community support are less accessible today than they were for older generations in our families.
2. Partly because of factors above, young people are facing more mental illness and mental health risks than in the past. Anxiety, depression, eating disorders, online bullying, excessive sedentary time, compulsive screen use, and lack of in–person community support have become commonplace obstacles many families are facing. There used to be a bell curve in which young people and older people were the most carefree and happy. The first part of the curve has now flattened out; our teens and young adults are now as unhappy and stressed as people in middle age. (See “Young people becoming less happy than older generations”).
3. Church life is providing less social and spiritual support to boost wellness than it did for past generations, and church leaders are putting heavy pressures on kids to conform and fulfill institutional goals rather than meeting them where they are at. For an example of trust-damaging messaging directed at youth, note the anxious, condescending and aggressive approach used during this talk given by Elder Kevin W. Pearson last year: “Do NOT Pray About Whether or Not You Should Go On A Mission. DUMB QUESTION!”; “…Active Adult Paying, uh, Tithe Paying Members”). The church is also failing to support or to make space for our queer kids, feminist kids, kids whose spiritual desires and passions are different, and our agnostic, skeptical and questioning kids. There is less wiggle room than ever before for sloppy messaging and boundary-violating or fear/shame-based tactics when our young people are already stretched thin, yet Church leaders are struggling to tune into this and adapt their approaches.
4. Partly because of decreasing wellness benefits and increasing cognitive dissonance at church, historically Latter-day Saint families are increasingly mixed-faith and spiritually diverse. As Hamaker describes, “[w]e are living in an era where there are very few traditionally fully intact families that are all practicing…[F]amilies with different levels of belief, or activity, or membership is the norm.” This is not only because younger people are struggling to find a spiritual home in the faith, but frequently also because their experiences lead older family members’ faith to shift and expand.

When young people are already facing heavy pressures and mental health risks, the basic needs of our youth to function and thrive become the priority in families. Hopes of kids embracing the faith get pushed lower priority-wise to make way for baseline well-being. This is all the more true when aspects of church life are adding to the distress. As older family members watch the youngest family members wrestle with church, their hearts soften and their assumptions are challenged. Take, for example, these words shared by a woman in Samuel Norton’s book on better ways to lead LDS youth, Come as You Are:

“You know, I never got it, until I saw my precious Grandson struggle. Ten years ago, I was in a different place. I guess I judged some of the young men who didn’t serve. I think I may have even referred to them as ‘failures to launch.’ I feel so guilty about that today…When my Grandson struggled with anxiety and came home from his mission early, as an insider to the full story, and all the things he experienced before and during his mission, I became his most loyal and fierce advocate. At times, it broke my heart. I learned more from watching his courage and his struggle than from any other experience I have ever had” (pg. 51).

Institutional loyalty and the grip of dogma loosen, familial attachment and compassion increase, and faith is reshaped. As Hamaker explains, “when something actually happens with their own child, and [parents] set it next to a theology that says I can’t be with this child for eternity, they know that that can’t be true because deep down they know the nature of God… [L]ife teaches people truths in ways that perhaps an institution doesn’t have the capacity to teach.” I myself am one of these parents whose outlook has dramatically changed. I used to live in terror of my kids leaving the church, and now I feel grounded in trust that God understands and has compassion for every obstacle my family is facing. My own spiritual experiences with divine love and grace are leading me to shed fears of imposed separations, sad heaven, inequality or misery in the family now and in the afterlife. 

Family members who’ve gone through faith transitions or who have left the faith are often called upon to support and mentor young adults seeking support from more experienced mentors who really “get it.” This has been happening to some degree for generations, but I’m noticing increasing recognition on the part of Latter-day Saint individuals that all adults in the family have valuable parts to play in serving as role models to younger generations. As we watch our children struggle, thoughts and feelings change not only regarding the current struggling teens and young adults, but also toward others in the family who have faced pain and alienation in the past. More Latter-day Saint family members are starting to acknowledge that there are many ways to be an upstanding, morally and spiritually-grounded and caring adult, and that for some of us, the Church is not a suitable or even a healthy place to grow and develop. Another factor is that when an increasing segment of the family is unhappy with the institutional church or is out of the Church, families start to sense it is simply time to stop defining everyone first and foremost in terms of religion and focus more on other interests, values, and qualities together.

Some families are starting to act as if diversity of belief and true respect for differences are family assets and strengths. Hamaker notes how having mixed-faith families is “inviting…us to step into a higher level of spirituality” in which we recognize that “being on the same spiritual plain isn’t actually evoking growth in our family system.” Opting into interfaith harmony is choosing a more expansive kind of spiritual development and fortification in the family.

This new approach upholds what boundaries experts teach: religious belief is a personal choice to be honored by family members, including parents and elders.  It is not to be forced, even on young children. It is not to be held over family members’ heads as a requirement for love or acceptance (see the section on religion in Boundaries with Kids by Henry Cloud). This new way also models respect and equality in the face of personal differences, a valuable peace-making skill to teach to younger generations.

Many of our families have been afraid exposure to non-LDS views or unorthodox beliefs could harm the lives of younger family members. Yet a switch to affirming personal choice of belief actually creates a healthier atmosphere for everyone to make authentic and joyful choices. It doesn’t create a bias toward leaving faith behind; it fosters true freedom. And this approach doesn’t mean parents should stop encouraging kids to participate and explore the faith tradition and community when they are young and living at home. Invitations and even expectations for them to learn about and experience religion usually contribute to their spiritual development whether they are life-long members or not (check out the findings reported in The State of Religion & Young People 2023: Exploring the Sacred about the mental health benefits of exposure to religion and spirituality). Honoring agency demonstrates that love, dignity, and emotional safety continue however each family member’s beliefs turn out. 

When people know that they are really heard and loved just as they are, their energies no longer have to be used to make sure they are seen and accepted. This makes space for them to flourish and gain clarity about questions in their lives, including those regarding spirituality. One excellent example of how affirming, caring, and non-confrontational approaches to relationships are the best way to help individuals develop their authentic desires and their motivation to progress, grow, and heal is the research-based therapeutic practice of motivational interviewing. 

Hamaker asserts that “the only way of us having any capacity to persuade someone to grow is just to love them, and allow them to be exactly who they are and where they are.” Jen and Sam Norton, recent London FSY leaders, taught similar concepts during their recent interview with Faith Matters, including when they asserted that it’s “the love that doesn’t seek to change you changes you.” 

Establishing true respect for religious agency in our families is also a way to act in faith that God will provide each individual with the experiences and learning they need. It frames life as a learning experience instead of a test, which is more conducive to mental health and spiritual well-being. 

It is conventional in Church circles to assume that loss or lack of religiosity equals spiritual degeneration. My experience hearing from searching, secular, agnostic and atheist young adults in the interfaith lounge for university students I work in has taught me otherwise. Loss or lack of religious beliefs and differentiated beliefs can lead to immense personal and spiritual growth. When comforting answers about life’s big questions aren’t accessible or working for them, many young people do a great deal of high quality spiritual labor searching for meaning and insights, developing compassion for others’ suffering, and constructing spiritual and moral purpose and meaning in their lives. They ponder what it means to be human and how to be in the world in courageous, insightful and humble ways that many of us Latter-day Saint struggle to access. In our families, differentiated young adults are helping many of us to recognize that despite our Latter-day Saint-based spiritual experiences, love of faith, and trust in God, as humans, we’re all sitting in our lack of certainty and complete knowledge about what’s spiritually true about the universe together. Young people can help unlock spaces for recognizing and enjoying that life is remarkably mysterious and open to new meanings and possibilities, even while engaging a faith tradition. This can bring a sense of shared awe and humility across beliefs. Many Latter-day Saints have shared with me that they are learning that God seems to be more interested in our spiritual growth and in us increasing our capacities to love rather than us having very specific or “correct” beliefs or checking boxes of religious rites of passage.

The turning of our hearts toward family members on unique spiritual paths is a miraculous shift toward putting family unity first and practicing the pure love of Christ. Valerie Hamaker explains that in recognizing the need to put love first in our families, “we are being called upon to truly be like Jesus, which is what we all [committed to do at baptism].” Isn’t the whole point of our covenants with God to become more loving, connected, and spiritually encouraging toward other humans as Jesus did rather than to exclude them or treat them as one-down?

In writing this post, I hope to encourage and support all the families who have gone through courageous spiritual stretching, as well as those who are just starting this process and may feel hesitant, overwhelmed, or alone. We’re in this together, and we’re actually not alone during the times when it feels that way. Joy, love, and growth come out of the dark nights of spiritual stretching. For a thoughtful conversation on the workings and benefits of spiritual stretching, I recommend ALSSI’s recent interview with Amy Watkins Jensen. 

While I am grieved over the mental health crisis happening among young people and inadequacies of the supports the Church is providing for them at this time, I rejoice in how many families (including my own extended family) are bravely stepping up to these challenges by becoming more spiritually flexible and resilient and more loving and supportive to our children than we ever have been before!

Those seeking more thoughts about supporting young people in their spiritual development might enjoy the presentation I shared during a recent Dialogue Gospel Study event. I discuss four research-based principles from the Springtide Institute for supporting teens and young adults in developing their spiritual sensibilities: “Creating Safe, Sacred Spaces Through the Lessons of Alma: Gospel Study with Candice and Dennis Wendt”