In the last couple of years I have been asking myself, “What do I want to be when I grow up?”
My children are now ages that I have been longing for since they came through my body screaming at my milk-laden breast. They’re still young enough to want cuddles and seem to (mostly) like me, but old enough that they can make themselves food and attend public school all day. In my head I have been anticipating finally making my big feminist debut (cue blinking lights and fireworks) of either going back to school or getting some kind of paying job so I can contribute to the family income and finally add to my resume. That’s what a good feminist does, right? –becomes financially independent and enters the workforce in true Taylor Swift “If I Was A Man” style. And to throw it back a decade, the song “I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T” by Lil’ Boosie and Lil’ Phat is playing in the background of my head.
I recognize that many women would love nothing more than to stay home with their kids but are unable to in this financial climate. This thought also plagues me and makes decision making even more strenuous. “Trad-wife” idealization and fanciful displays on social media are not representative of my stay-at-home mom life, but maybe I should try to do that or become an influencer and then I won’t have to make the decision to leave home for work ;)
For thirty years I had a plan; it happened to coincide with the Church’s plan of happiness for me as a woman:
I got married to a returned missionary in the temple at age 20.
I did not wait to have kids.
And now I’m raising children as a stay-at-home mom, filling the measure of my creation…
(Check, check, …check?)
Even after stepping away from the church three years ago, a lot of my identity is still tied up in all the teachings that spell out what women are here for. There are hundreds of mentions on the church’s website stating where women’s priorities are supposed to lie and where we should be–at home, raising righteous children. Leaving the church forced me to unpack what I actually want, and I still ask myself that every day. As a reaction to leaving, I felt like I needed to cut off the decades of prophets’ teachings in my head of being a mother raising the next righteous covenant-keeping generation. To be a good feminist (I thought) would be to break away from gender norms and empower myself through formal work experience, higher education, and participate in equal opportunities alongside men.
After attending the Exponent II retreat in 2022, I came home feeling inspired by all the women who have advanced degrees and careers. I decided to apply to the local university to start taking prerequisites for a masters in social work. Through my Introduction to Social Work class, I was able to volunteer at two local organizations for over a year. I learned so much through those experiences and thought I was on track to apply for a masters degree. I had to ask myself what this (going back to school full time) would mean for my family. The financial stress was something we weren’t prepared for yet, and we would have to outsource rides for the kids to their activities and probably have an expansive eating out budget. Even with those challenges, we could totally make it work. My husband wants what I want. This seemed like the perfect segway into my big feminist debut as a woman chasing after her wants.
But what if I got it all wrong?
My feminism was working against me. As I have weighed the pros and cons to attending graduate school and/or working, I realized that I had taken stay-at-home mom completely off the table. But what if I kept that as a choice? What if that is the most empowering, feminist thing for me to do right now–to choose to stay at home as the primary parent?
When the other options are in front of me, ultimately, I do not want to sacrifice the time that I have with my kids driving them to activities after school. Right now, I want to be the parent they can count on when they need to come home sick from school. Right now, I want to be able to help in their classrooms. I previously took those opportunities off the table in an attempt to break away from my Mormon norm. In asking myself why I want to pivot and do more outside the home, I realize that maybe it wasn’t for the right reasons and I can take a period of time to re-evaluate–I am not in a position where I must choose right this second. It’s tempting to think that I may regret not being home with them while they are still young, but I also know it’s never wise to make decisions based on fear! I know plenty of Mormon women who have gone to graduate school and/or have amazing careers while also being incredible parents to their children. I mean, men do it all the time….
I think I’ve convinced myself that I can choose to stay home, continue to be the primary parent, be available and around to influence my kids, and that choice doesn’t make me a bad feminist.
It took me a while to be okay with the idea that maybe what I was conditioned to want is something that I actually want. I needed the time and space to get to this, and the more I explore if future schooling and jobs are for me, the more I feel like the answer is “yes, and you don’t have to start right now.”
Have any of you made decisions based on what you felt like you should do as a feminist versus what you actually wanted to do? Or where you felt liberated by your feminism and are where you want to be? Please share in the comments!
23 Responses
I think there are a lot of us in this boat. We made choices that seem to put us in one category (stay at home mom). But things have changed and we are eyeing other categories (full time working woman). We can’t undo the choices we made earlier in our lives so we can’t just jump from one category to another. Instead we have to balance and blend.
For me right now, the most radical feminist thing I can do is have a part time job that pays well and allows me the flexibility to be there for my children when they need me. So many things are presented as black and white or all or nothing. Having the balance I do to be a quasi stay-at-home-and-also-working-part-time-woman feels rebellious.
I’ve been at my current job for 5 years. Recently my boss gave me another raise. I now make more hourly than my husband does. It feels so good to be valued. But it also feels good to have the flexibility and choice in where I choose to work.
So good luck to you as you find your own balance and blending. It is very possible, and it will look different for every person.
I love your thoughts and thank you for sharing your own experience and how you’ve found empowerment through a part time job (congrats on the raise!). I hope to find something similar!
This is quite an interesting post to me. I am male, my wife is ostensibly a SAHM (she has done paid work in and out of the home over the 40 years we have been married from time to time). I have always worked full time (and for some time at two jobs one full time the other almost full time too).
Like you we both grew up on the church, and maybe that has influenced how we have lived our lives. But your post got me thinking about the world in general. Take the church, or any religion, out of the equation. Take God out and accept for a moment the idea of full blown chance, Big Bang, Evolution, etc. It is the female, in large part (I know there are exceptions), in the animal kingdom who nurtures and the male provides. Natural order seems to bring gender roles into play more than any religious ideas. And it may be that religious ideas come from the observation of the natural world.
Now, I believe in a God, indeed I believe in Heavenly Parents. I believe that gender roles follow a Heavenly Pattern – one which seems to play out in creation.
The entirety of the Plan of Happiness, Plan of Salvation, God’s Plan for Us seems to hinge on our doing what They expect us to do, and not what we want to do. No matter how much I might like the taste of a nice alcoholic drink, or using my knowledge and ability to con others out of money, I can’t because such things are not things I can do. as a member of the Church, or in the latter case society.
But much of the other things in life, not tied up with commandments or covenants, I can make a choice about – or at least I can take those choices to the Lord and see what He has to say about it.
From what you have written you have left the Church. And you may not believe in Heavenly Parents any longer. But you are still a Mom and wife. You are hard-wired to love them and want to help them in their lives. You also have your desires, appetites and passions. I hope that at some point you can take that Masters Degree and help others in similar ways to how you are helping your family, and others around you.
Thank you for your comment. I see life so differently than you, but I appreciate your thoughts!
The natural order of things comment is an interesting one. But if we can believe that as humans we are evolving and getting smarter, then how we live is capable of changing as well and should.
However, another thought is this. My husband loves to cook and is better at it than me. He also has a natural instinct with our kids that I don’t have and had to learn- he is a better stay at home parent than me, yet, I am the one who stayed at home, cause…#Mormon…
My husband loves to cook and is better at it than I am also. We wind up having to parse it out even further with me taking on a lot of prep work and the majority of the cleanup. The food we make is ridiculously good and my cooking anxiety is eased because I don’t make a lot of the decisions in cooking.
My husband has a different instinct then I do. I can forecast possibilities and behavioral trends about how conversations and decisions “land” in the minds of our kids. My husband can take what I see and implement positive frameworks more organically/grounded in the experience then I can. Because of who we are and “religious tradition” – I wound up “Presiding” and “Providing” and trying my hand at “Nurturing” – before getting burned out and returning to my “roots” of “Presiding” and “Providing” [my DNA did not consult with the “Proclamation to the Family”].. I was re-branding myself as a “concerned parent/partner” rather then a “nurturing mother/wife” – and did I get so much crap about it!
This prompted a revolution of sorts because evidently a woman is not allowed to give up the “nurturing” role – ever.
Our revolution devolved into “we all try to give a care” no man’s zone, and I “nurture” when it’s in my best interest (and doesn’t make my skin crawl).
Thanks so much for sharing, Luna! I’m all muddled and confused about my choices and feminism and motherhood – especially now that my children are growing up and my job as “mother” doesn’t look like it used to or how I always thought it would – and your post is so beautiful and clarifying to me. I’ve been programmed to make everyone else happy . . . And I think I’ve done the same thing in feminism, too. I have some thinking to do.
It was easier* when we had our path laid out for us and we willingly subscribed to it. But I’m grateful for these wrestles and our stories are far from over! xoxo
Thank you for this perspective. In the feminist (non-LDS) culture of the 1970s, I watched my mother have to justify to her feminist friends her decision to stay home to raise us. She was wasting her talents and education, they said. She justified herself by citing economics, that child care and prepared meals would cost more than her salary. But I believe that she chose to stay at home because she wanted to. I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother but, after a divorce, did not have that option. My daughter has been a SAHM for eight years and has just returned to her career full time. The important thing here is that we as women have agency to make the right choices for our own lives and our families. If we have been given the gift of the holy spirit, that gift overrides anyone else’s opinions (including the Brethren’s) about our own choices.
Thank you so much for your comment. I whole-heartedly agree that our own inspiration overrides others’ wishes for us. And whatever we choose, we risk something–I am risking not having work experience (although being a SAHM lends me countless experiences that would translate beautifully in a work setting, in my opinion) and relying on my husband to financially provide. So far, so good. But it’s unsettling, to be sure!
Feminism was never working against you. It was simply insisting that “a man is not a financial plan,” and that you have other options that you should consider before deciding what is right for you.
There are some important things feminist economists suggest that every SAHM should do to protect herself financially:
-Your family budget should include regular contributions to a separate savings account and a retirement account in the stay at home mom’s name.
-It’s important to establish credit in your name.
-Open a checking account in your name and a high yield savings account.
More great info here: https://carriewillard.com/how-to-protect-yourself-financially-as-a-stay-at-home-mom/#:~:text=Money%20With%20Katie-,Safeguards,(current%20as%20of%202024).
These are great tips! I really appreciate you taking the time to write it out and post that link. I’ll dive into that ASAP. And it was at an Exponent retreat that I first heard “A man is not a plan!” and think about it all the time.
Thank you for this. It reminded me that as a feminist, I should be a lot better at supporting women who choose to be stay at home moms. I think because I was taught so much at church that I couldn’t do anything except be a SAHM, it’s really hard for me to not feel at least some judgement when people choose that path. Maybe it’s also because I don’t really know any SAHM’s who are outworldy feminist so my brain just assumes there aren’t any. But those feelings have a lot more to do with me and my own insecurities than anybody else.
It made me think about how a lot of young girls will go through an “I’m not like other girls” phase where they don’t want to be seen as shallow or dumb so they completely distance themselves from any feminine stereotype. I definitely felt like that as a teenager. Now that I’m older, I’ve realized that I actually love a lot of stereotypically feminine things like pretty dresses and the color pink. But maybe I still feel some of those immature feelings where I subconsciously want to distance myself from “other girls”, specifically those that have chosen different life paths than I have.
Thank you for reminding me that feminism is about allowing all women to choose the path that is best for them. Sometimes that message can be easily lost or distorted and I want to be better but advocating for that.
Thank you for sharing your experiences! All of those thoughts and ways of processing who we are and what we want are very relatable! Amen to just trusting and supporting women in what they want.
I was a SAHM who never ever thought I would divorce in a million years, but here I am, so here are my thoughts:
I have zero regrets about staying home with my children instead of building a career. AND,
When I unexpectedly found myself divorcing, I was unable to hire an attorney because I lacked access to resources. My husband comes from money but I do not, so I lost big time in family court due to my lack of representation.
To this day, my ex periodically takes me back to family court to tweak our custody agreement or whenever I do something that displeases him. In reality he does it just to control me, just because he can. This is my life now. If I fight it, the family court judge will be made aware and penalize me, so I just have to submit and be as pleasant as possible to avoid further repercussions in court, at church, and with relatives who all see my legal failures as proof I am somehow less worthy.
So the bottom line for me in this discussion is: I surrendered my freedom and many legal rights by deciding to stay home with my children instead of building my own resources for my protection.
I also learned the hard way, in family court, that my years of labor as a SAHM are not counted by US courts. In other words, my ex got credit for every cent he “provided” to us during the marriage, but my years of 24/7 care of home and children got me zero points, zero consideration in family court – I was legally considered a mooch who lived off my husband’s generosity. My labor for him, the church, our home, and our children is legally null and void. But his hours of service in a bishopric elevated his status in court.
Again, I do not regret being a stay at home mom, but I also did not know that I was surrendering so many legal rights and freedoms for the next few decades when I chose that path! Until my children are all grown, my ex can haul me into family court whenever he feels like having a go at me, while I struggle just to survive financially and emotionally.
I wish SAHMs had the ability to make their choices based on informed consent. Divorce is never discussed at church and the freedoms we legally surrender to men when we choose stay at home motherhood are not ever discussed either. I blindly obeyed the command to raise and nurture children without realizing I was putting all of my power and freedom into the hands of a man for the majority of my years of life. I wish I had known this. I wish I could have made that choice as an informed decision. That ignorance has cost me a lot more than money – it has robbed me of peace and well being.
Also, when a man chooses to divorce his SAHM wife, she will experience a massive demotion. I was RS President and manager of several estates (we owned more than one home), but after divorce I found myself starting all over at the bottom rung doing fast food work because the outside world doesn’t count my years of home labor and church service as actual work.
Younger women, please take note and educate each other about this. When you are young, you will never in a million years believe that divorce will ever be on the table for you.. But you don’t have the power to make that decision, your husband can choose to make it for you one day. If you surrender all your power to him by choosing to perform unpaid, undocumented labor in the home, you could wind up like me.
Until society is ready to count a woman’s hours of labor as actual work, she will continue surrender her freedoms whenever she chooses to work in the home.
My heart hurts so much for you. I can only imagine the pain that this divorce has inflicted on you. I absolutely agree that this next generation needs to have informed consent and figure out what they enjoy outside of home and family! I hope you find steadiness and peace in the near future with all your trials!
Thank you, Luna! I’ve danced circles around these same questions and issues. For now and the next several years, I’ve decided I want my work to be flexible and mostly from home so I can stay available to my kids. But it’s at hard to figure out how to make that possible! I take comfort that my life will look different 5 years from now and I can continue to grow and shift over time. But I resonate with the struggle that as a feminist my life should look a certain way
Five years from now will be completely different than it is today, just like how five years ago seems like a dream (or nightmare…potty training and sleep training and nursing were harrrrrrd). Here’s to making our own way and sharing in all the adventures as we go <3
Thanks so much for this post! I have had similar thoughts to you (and Lavender above) for years and still feel like I haven’t entirely figured it out. I am so feminist on the inside, but I don’t look like it on the outside. I, too, made all the choices the church told me to, and it has limited where I am today. I’ve truly treasured the time I’ve been able to spend with my kids as a stay at home/homeschooling mom. Now that they are older, I wonder if I should do something I consider feminist – like get a full time job or go back to school. I feel like those are the only 2 options that would prove that I’m a feminist. My husband has a successful career (which I recognize has come from my sacrifices too), so I don’t really need to join the rat race to bring in a few more bucks. (Besides, I am reluctant to give up the freedom of being in command of my own schedule.) I don’t have a burning passion I feel compelled to pursue by spending lots of money and time to earn an advanced degree. I know that, as a stay-at-home mom, I have been at my husband’s mercy financially, which haunts me. It’s a gamble that pretty much worked out for us. Luckily for me and our kids, he has been a good, caring man. For now, I’ve made peace with where I am, knowing that if things were to disintegrate, I have my internal resources and loving family that would help to get me through. It seems like there is no one perfect answer. We all end up sacrificing something because of our choices. What I really want to do is contribute good to the world and make it a better place for future generations. Because I now have the time and interest, I am focusing on giving back to my community through volunteering with a few organizations whose work I find meaningful and important. To me, that seems pretty feminist!
We are in very similar situations and thank you so much for sharing! I feel that so much of where I am today and who I married is based on luck. I really feel like I got lucky with who I married, AND I am also haunted that I am gambling being a SAHM with very limited outside the home work experience.. Thank you again for your comment :)
I have re-read this post several times and have come up with these thoughts.
Is “Feminism” in your life treated like a brand/team/organization/union or more like a way-of-life (and it can be both)?
– The question seems to center around “What do you owe Feminism in your life choices?” with the implication that something, some action is “owed”.
There is a throw-away line in “The Incredibles” given by Frozone’s wife/girlfriend. She yells at him in a tense moment where the date-night dinner is being moved off the table, “I am your greatest good”. I am pretty sure that it was a throw-away line to get the laughs.
In reality, we are “the greatest good” that shows up in other people’s lives (a whole family structure popped up under the radar to take advantage of the “greatest good” moments in terms of laundry, 1 on 1 care, and food) – and sometimes we have to be that arrogant and exclusive about ourselves and ask where “our greatest good” needs to be.
My only caution is that it is easier to keep doing what you are doing rather then do something new and include that bias in your “greatest good” decision-making.
You’ve given me a lot to think about! Feminism for me is the “F” word that my family of origin despises. SO, as I’ve grown and matured and learned a lot, I see it as a way of life that I believe in and a big reason for leaving the LDS church– women belong in places where decisions are being made. I don’t feel like I owe Feminism anything. What I struggled with in previous years was the feeling that feminism is a power that I am not completely harnessing or embodying. But now, I can feel confident being labeled as a feminist, despite being a SAHM because I’ve finally considered it as a valid choice for me.
I said to my husband, “Right now I feel very valuable because if I died, I know you would be a lot poorer paying someone else to do everything I do!” I know it sounds dark, but it’s how I feel and it’s true! We absolutely are the greatest good (if I’m understanding that correctly!). .
It feels like you read right through my words and see the real me, which is–I get in my own way and it’s absolutely a temptation to just keep doing what I’m doing and not make a big change. Taking the two pre-requisite classes and spending hours a week volunteering felt pretty big and I loved it! So, I’m glad I did that because it gave me confidence that I know I could pursue something “more” and do a damn good job. Maybe something will force me to make the jump….stay tuned ;)
I’m glad that I could help.
For me, “Feminism” a channel that I can direct my attention towards, but not a power in and of itself.
Its about navigating the transfer of personal power, decision-making, autonomy, and respect towards and away from myself and others. It’s at the intersection of what my body does/knows and what I choose to do.
For me, “Feminism” is more about “having the choice” and completing the soul-level consideration of options before following through. And it’s really about refusing to “hide” behind someone else when I am innately capable of showing up and making decisions.
If I were you, I think I’d keep doing a class or 2 until I had the AA/certificate in whatever field you were engaged with and the volunteer stuff and balance family life and volunteer opportunities with. Decreasing church commitments (by walking away), decreasing time away from home (no longer taking classes) will free up some of your time and attention but also re-train your family to have someone “available” to handle the crap they don’t wanna. Also, if you are anything like me, you are super good at seeing “what could go wrong (in a minor way)” and want to “fix/prevent” it – so that spouses and family do not learn how to do it. Having commitments outside the family that are not directly tied to your immediate family is really useful for your skills, your sense of self, and “keeps out of the fray” for the minor stuff that they really need to learn to sort out. Going full-on Master’s right now is maybe manageable and risky, but not necessarily a “right now” thing.