Guest review by Carol Ann Litster Young. Carol Ann (she/her) is a parent, partner, the managing magazine https://exponentii.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/IMG_5173-scaled-1.jpg of Exponent II, and will talk to you forever about housing, schools, and roads.

Bethany Brady Spalding and McArthur Krishna are at it again! From the authors of the Girls Who Choose God books; Our Heavenly Family, Our Earthly Family; A Girl’s Guide to Heavenly Mother; and A Boy’s Guide to Heavenly Mother, their latest project is focused on equal partnership marriages–In the Image of Our Heavenly Parents: A Couple’s Guide to Creating a More Divine Marriage. They partner as https://exponentii.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/IMG_5173-scaled-1.jpgs with marriage therapists Jennifer Finlayson Fife, Julie D. Hanks, Ty Mansfield, and Geoff and Jody Steurer to create this e-book/workbook, with simple, modern illustrations by Ben Crowder. In the Image of Our Heavenly Parents centers on twelve principles (see image 2). Each principle has three sections: 1). quotes from church leaders on the topic (ranging from early church leaders like Susa Young Gates to Russell M. Nelson), 2). advice and research from one of the marriage therapists, and 3). discussion questions and exercises for individuals and couples. 

The introduction acknowledges the book is not for everyone, and that the majority of the members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are not married. The authors felt called to create this book on working toward equal partnerships to support people who are married or seek to get married. Brady Spalding and Krishna share, “We passionately feel that the principles of divine equal partnership can elevate almost every relationship, whether it be marriage, work, children, extended families, or beyond.” 

Considering what Eliza Wells’ research on whose quotes are more commonly used in church and what we are trying to signal by the quotes that are used (see Dialogue article Quoted at the Pulpit: Male Rhetoric and Female Authority in Fifty Years of General Conference), many of the quotes in the “prophetic counsel” sections are from Russell M. Nelson. This could signal a very traditional view of marriage and gender roles. However, the https://exponentii.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/IMG_5173-scaled-1.jpgs found progressive language and quotes from over the years, and gathered that to build their case that there is room for equal-partnership marriages within our religion. 

For instance, principle six of In the Image of Our Heavenly Parents – ”We nurture and provide together” – directly counters the gender-role binary found in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” (which is unfortunately the default source for quotes on marriage in LDS General Conference and church lessons). Rather than defining and espousing conservative gender roles in a family, this united language makes space for the different roles and contributions both partners make, including changes in roles through seasons and needs of a marriage. 

Some of the marriage therapists explicitly debunk the unequal gender roles that are often perpetuated in traditional LDS marriages. Similar to the books Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality in the Home and Fair Play, principle seven of In the Image of Our Heavenly Parents – “We honor all contributions as equally valuable” – calls out the dominion that can happen by the partner who is paid for their labor. The mental and emotional labor typically carried by one partner is also acknowledged. That section ends with exercises making visible the unpaid and invisible labor in a household, reflection questions on recognizing feelings and resentments in current marriages’ divisions of labor, and ways to better support and care for each partner. Additionally, principle three – “We invest in growth–our own personal growth, the growth of our partner, and our growth as a couple” – connects with the idea in Fair Play of creating for each partner their “unicorn space.” That space means dedicated time spent not parenting, self-care, or managing the home to allow for personal development and accomplishments. 

I found the advice and discussion questions from the marriage therapists in each of the twelve principles helpful and interesting. In marriages with people from the same religious background, it’s easy to assume there is a shared consensus on values. As my partner and I have been shifting in our faith journeys, the marriage therapist’s advice and exercises in principle one about creating a shared vision and identifying values for your relationship resonated with me. Crafting a shared vision allows couples to identify and understand each other more fully, as well as miscommunicate and panic less. The marriage therapists’ advice and activities throughout the twelve principles incorporate building unity, growing as individuals within the marriage, and reducing resentment. 

Brady Spalding and Krishna are going the route I discovered reading Neylan McBain’s book Women at Church: Magnifying LDS Women’s Local Impact – work within the church structures and shape and create the change you want. They quote church leaders, amplify marriage therapists, and create space that acknowledges Heavenly Parents and equal partnership. Partnership, not patriarchy; I’m on board.