Unbelievably, there is still rhetoric in the LDS church claiming that women should be at home with their children.

There are so many problems with this that I don’t quite know where to start. Firstly, not all women in the church HAVE, WANT or CAN HAVE children. This should be an obvious reason why we shouldn’t focus so much on motherhood. Secondly, our simplistic style of approaching the home and family is often lacking the nuance of personal circumstances and embraces gender normative roles, homophobia and anti-feminism. I used to think there wasn’t a Mormon mould. I was dead wrong.

Today I want to talk about my experience.

I never knew I was born to be anything other than a mother. When a high school teacher asked me what I wanted to be, I gleefully replied, “I want to be a Mum!” She encouraged me to have diverse life goals. I brushed this aside. What did she know?
I would marry and my husband would work! I would push out four or five perfect children and live in bliss! That’s what happens, right?

Motherhood was hard from the start. Confusing, lonely and hard. Existing anxiety and depression was magnified to dangerous levels.

When my second was born, on my first night alone with my two boys, I screamed so loudly in my toddlers face that the whole neighbourhood must have heard. He sat next to me on the bed crying, with my newborn screeching on my lap. “Mummy has to leave,” I said sadly to them through my tears. I honestly believed they would better off without me. I told my GP about this and she immediately suggested putting my toddler in an extra day of daycare. I had no family or close friends in that particular area and she was concerned. Honestly, the extra day really helped.

A year later, we moved back to our home base. We had family and friends around, so everything would be fine, right?

Wrong.

I didn’t have the kids in care because I felt like it wasn’t needed anymore with a support system around. Yet, I was yelling at them more than ever, followed by the most bone-crushing guilt I had ever experienced. It got to a point where I was again having suicidal thoughts. This time, they were very invasive. I would be in the middle of doing something and the thoughts would creep in, unnoticed till they started screaming at me.

I put the kids in care 2 days a week, found a therapist, and went on antidepressants. Things really picked up for me, but something was still missing.

Inspired by friends like Rachel Hunt Steenblik, I decided to look into my study options. I was terrified. I’ve always been anxious about new things. With the help of my husband in administrative tasks, I applied for university and got in. I am now studying psychology as well as some literature based electives. My kids are in care 4 days a week, one of those with their Grandmother who completely adores them and appreciates the extra cash.

Yet, I hear things from women at church about what the ‘proper thing’ is: staying at home with the children. I have, at least on one occasion, explained that I would become suicidal if I didn’t have my children in care.

Hearing these criticisms of my choices causes me to wonder what these women think is happening to my children. Are they (*gasp*) being introduced to new people and ideas by being allowed to venture beyond our door? Are they emotionally starved, because they aren’t in my care 24 hours a day?

To be honest, I don’t know what the problem is.

They have wonderful carers and friends in care. My four-year-old son comes home every night telling us facts about planets and the solar system. My two-year-old, who was not exposed to many people in his first years, is finally becoming more comfortable and sociable. When they get home, we nestle in for cuddles and talk about our day together. We play Super Mario Galaxy for my son to watch. He says “try again” when we fail a level, and “good job!” with thumbs up when we succeed. He suddenly loves drawing and likes to draw the planets with faces on them. I get to miss them now. It makes our time much more special than it originally was, and I’m yelling less and smiling more. I also feel spiritually and psychologically edified learning about the amazing brain, and discussing children’s literature.

One lady in my class even has a child in the same room in the local daycare. We get to talk about our children and how they play with each other. It’s a nice feeling for both of us to be away for a little while, working on skills for our future.

I still love my children, but I get to feel like a person now. I’m becoming a better mother through my choices to care about myself.
If women are able to do that staying at home, I applaud them and hope they feel empowered in their choice. Please extend to me, and women like me, the same respect.