Guest post by Amy. Human Being. Mother of Two. Deep Thinker. Granddaughter of a Philosopher.

For the last few years, a female friend and I have compared Perimenopause symptoms the way that our younger selves compared rock bands. I have more regular semi-existential crises; she has the hot flashes. Both of us are “too young” for this experience (we were supposed to have until “45” before it started) and “too educated” to ignore it exactly. Relating to a Heavenly Mother and Divine Motherhood in general in a culture steeped in the quest for the Fountain of Youth (and fertility) raises more questions and uncertainty then answers and security. Heavenly Mother is more of a question mark than the ultimate answer. Here are some topics I wish I could ask Heavenly Mother about.

Fertility—The monthly cycle that I got used to has become shorter and less physical while becoming more mental. The emotional cycle tends to short out faster these days. My period is an omen for future hormone swings, and in a way, a harbinger of grief. Long gone are the “easy days” to become pregnant, the “safe” days to fully carry a child without complications or additional worry. The hormones driving my fertility are becoming MIA too—and impacting my relationship with my husband. Our information on Heavenly Mother assumes that standard fertility markers are nonexistent and not needed. Can Heavenly Mother fear beside me as I undergo a multi-year process I barely understand intellectually, or is She trapped in an eternal, youthful summer and thus unavailable to see my perspective? Or do we have it all wrong in our perceptions of a stagnant, always fertile Deity? What if Heavenly Mother doesn’t want to have children <gasp>?

Being Replaced—My friend and I have husbands who put up with us during this emerging time. The fear we never speak of is the fear of being replaced. The fear of the Midlife Crisis—theirs or (to a degree) ours provides dark highlights to our decreasing fertility. Our theology (living and dead) speaks to serial monogamy, to divine polygamy. The assumptions are that a) Heaven consists of a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother who is never replaced (so our deep-seated fear and experiences are not something She relates to), and/or b) there may be more than one “Heavenly Mother” (so what does Heavenly Time Management look like so that no Wife of God is replaced?). Either way, does Her certainty of being in an eternal relationship without a fear of being replaced (probably) exclude Her from empathizing with me?

Mothering (Biological vs Non-Biological Sustaining)—My baby is in Kindergarten now, and my friend never had children. My days are lined by less physical exertion (2 AM feedings, showering solo as both a quest and an endurance award), and more by deliberate mental and emotional exertion (in my defense, I also have a teenager). Some of the most effective “mothering” I do now is executive functioning about the grocery list (teenagers eat a lot of random stuff at random intervals without consulting the budget). My friend’s “mothering” efforts were more about her nieces and nephews, pets, and business. I believe we need both. 

We need the biological act of creating children and we need communities or villages with women who did not have children and/or are past having biological children to help raise children and help all of us be better humans. I don’t feel that our theology recognizes a non-biological/post-biological, community-building narrative of motherhood well and privileges the visceral, literal acts of pregnancy and childbirth as the primary narrative. At times I wonder what Heavenly Mother’s “mothering” looks like—is this phase of my life (post-baby, pre-empty nest) something She can relate to? Is She like another friend who has teenagers, a business, and younger children? Is She more like a grandmother who takes in her grandchild in a different life phase? Does our Heavenly Mother recognize and equally prize both the narrative of physical child-bearing and the mental/emotional/support roles of child-rearing?

Nurturing—My nurturing experience is different now that I am older and in a different season of my life. I find often that the best way to nurture my children is to stay on the sidelines talking them through stuff. I do less and do differently for my husband as well. I am not a gentle “Love At Home” type Mother (I tend to mother like the artist P!nk does by connecting to her children and seeing who they are instead of following any gender role traditions). Is Heavenly Mother always the epitome of the tender song “Love At Home”? Can She connect with my non-tender, pragmatic nurturing style? Would She care if I had short, bright pink hair?

At its heart, perimenopause is a biological catalyst for changing how I perform responsibilities assigned to me by my biological gender. It’s also an investigation into the importance of providing a uterus for a child vs the importance of doing specific things to improve a child’s life in 50 gazillion other ways. As far as I know, it is not talked about in official church doctrine (but then, Heavenly Mother isn’t really talked about either). The conversations I overheard at R.S. functions as a teenager and have participated in over the years wind up being information about the experience while in the middle of the experience. It’s not useless, but it has a “flying the airplane while making extensive airplane repairs” vibe going on, with all the added stress and trauma.

Each month, there is the mostly fear of rejection as what we know of Heavenly Mother becomes the complete opposite of our lived experience. Will She reject us and orphan us because we no longer like our conception of Her? This half-asked question keeps getting tucked back into a box on the edge of the metaphorical shelf like that really loud toy that your child got one Christmas that you can’t throw away; said child keeps retrieving to play loudly on repeat the same blasted 3 notes (figuratively and potentially literally) on days that you have a really bad headache.

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This post is part of the series Menopause and Me.