One of my ward callings was doing the Sunday bulletin. I wasn’t allowed a key to the library to copy it, so every Sunday morning I had to interrupt PEC meeting to get a key from a member of the bishopric.
One Sunday I walked in to hear them congratulating themselves over the fact that a deacon in the ward had made his entire family late to Sacrament Meeting – and miss the sacrament – because he needed a white shirt. I happened to know the family and knew that they had picked him up from a friend’s house and just inadvertently forgot the white shirt, but they turned around at the insistence of their son to get one, making the entire family late.
I asked them if they were really congratulating themselves on enforcing a rule so strenuously that they caused an entire family to miss partaking of the sacrament just so their son could wear a white shirt to church.
The response I got? A member of the bishopric pointed his finger at me and shouted, “this is a priesthood matter and you are a woman. You don’t get to have anything to say about it. Get out of this room now.”
– Lori LeVar Pierce
My stake president walked into Relief Society for an AMA (Ask Me Anything).
I raised my hand and asked about what we could do to help support women in better balancing church calling work with our lives, and I mentioned that I had several children that I homeschooled, and that that directly conflicted with the tasks I was expected to do during the week by the church. This was a really vulnerable thing for me to ask about and was close to my heart because I wanted *so* *much* to be a really good mom AND a really good Mormon.
The stake president smiled and said, “I don’t think that’s a real problem. Next question?”
I smiled back and then fled the room in tears.
I have also received many a lecture that I was selfishly homeschooling when I owed that time and effort to the church first.
More than one mother in my ward pressured me to put my kids in school, like they had, so that I’d be available during the day.
– Rebecca, Washington State
Many years ago during my mission, I was in Relief Society one day, and one of the sisters commented about how we shouldn’t be blindly obedient. I really liked her comments because she really thought things through and went into depth. But then one of the counselors in the bishopric came in and sat down. When the sister made a comment, he would tell the teacher to continue with the lesson. Later I went to this sister’s house, and she told us that the bishopric member had come to Relief Society because of her, to make sure she didn’t get the lesson off topic, and that it had happened before. I was surprised because I thought her comments were really good and that she hadn’t said anything wrong. I liked that this sister wanted to discuss things further and to not blindly accept everything that she was told.
– Anonymous
Currently, my bishop, who doesn’t care for dissent from anyone, won’t even talk to me. It’s not that I’m trying to “tear down the leadership” as he put it in a personal email exchange he CC’d to the bishopric and YM presidency. I’m simply trying to offer alternate viewpoints on how ward policies affect the youth (particularly my sons). Rather than listen to our requests to make more room at the table, he insists on conformity and in the process is pushing otherwise willing disciples of Christ out of activity.
– Natalie Ware Gowen
Pro Tip: Treat women like peers and like people. Take women’s concerns, input and questions seriously.
Click here to read all of the stories in our #hearLDSwomen series. Has anything like this happened to you? Please share in the comments or submit your experience(s) to participate in the series.
“If any man have ears to hear, let him hear.” (Mark 4:23)
5 Responses
That first example is seriously awful. I think there’s this problem in the church that we always hear about how the priesthood refers to men, and at the same time we hear that women have all the blessings of the priesthood. If that is true, then why couldn’t this church leader understand that women should have a say in priesthood things? After all, the priesthood affects women. More than half of church members are women. That church leader was really out of line.
I totally agree waybiut if line. I don’t hold back if someone would if spokecto me like that I probably be in shock and then I would ask him would Jesusxtreat women like you just did?
Wow to all. The third, commenting in RS, is disturbing because it seems a sister (perhaps RS leader) reported this to the bishopric and that triggered the babysitting.
Goodness gracious. We need a larger conversation in the Church about how men traumatize women in their care by behaving in hostile, resistant, domineering, and combative ways. It’s not acceptable that women are frequently made to feel less than for bringing thoughtful, alternative perspectives to the table. This behavior is deeply rooted in men’s trauma histories and psyches and the way they learned to treat women by observing their emotionally stunted fathers, and that behavior spills over into church governance, which is inappropriate and spiritually traumatizing. Thank you for sharing these instances.
My daughter was assaulted by a young women’s 1st counselor. My daughter has autism and was in self deesclation from an anxiety attack. The 1st counselor who works with special needs children grabbed her by the arm and yanked it and dragged her into another room. She told her she was being dramatic and was just attention seeking. When I found out I went to speak to the woman. At this point, the bishop yelled at me telling me I was not to ever “attack” anyone in his presidency. I stood at least 6 feet from her when I confronted her. I was told that the counselor did nothing wrong and I was in the wrong. I was then told that I needed to provide my daughters medical records and my credentials (im a behavioral specialist) for her to stay and for me to be with her. I refused. I felt violated. When I reported it, nothing was done and I was shunned by the entire stake. I was told I am being punished because I reported someone in bishopric and the punishment will be worse if I take the issue to salt lake… im up against a wall I feel. My daughter is only 12 and didn’t do anything wrong to get shunned.