Last year mold was found in my daughter’s middle school. It was black mold, and it was growing behind seemingly sound walls.
Now here’s the thing about mold: If conditions are right, it can grow just about anywhere. A school. A home. A church. It doesn’t discriminate. All it needs is food, water and a dark stagnant environment.
There’s mold in the church today. Black Mold. We’ve begun to see the toxic effects of its spores in the story of Joseph Bishop, and more widely, in the Protect LDS Children campaign. Truth is, evil predators reside in every faith community. It’s the tragic reality. What concerns me are the systems that allow a predator to operate freely in this church and the underlying communal false beliefs and dysfunctions that contribute to the rise of their behavior.
When mold was found in my daughter’s school, there was a public outcry. There was no resistance to these efforts. The school district did not turn to lawyers in order to deny culpability. It quickly employed experts to investigate the problem. To eradicate the mold, they had to find the source.
In the same fashion, we as a body of Christ must find the source of our own black mold and to do so, we can’t worry about what our neighbors will think. We’ve got to put on masks, pick up sledgehammers and be brave enough to investigate its origins.
- Did it start in the 1830s with a leader who coerced 14 year-old girls into marriage by promising eternal rewards for her and her family?
- When he used the power of his position as prophet to marry other married women?
- When he hid his exploits from his wife then called her to repentance for not accepting polygamy?
The belief that women are passive vessels designed to house a man’s eternal dynasty rather than equal partners in a process of co-creation has birthed a malignant false belief in man’s eternal entitlement. This emotion of ‘benign’ superiority is the breeding ground for the toxicity we feel today. It’s in the lie of Eve’s ‘sin’ and the historical societal oppression of women justified by that myth. It’s in the blatant untruths embedded in the temple story wherein attendees watch men mimic a hierarchical string of commands about creation, without a whisper of participation from the feminine divine. It’s the lived experience of generations of LDS women who were manipulated into polygamy in hopes of an eternal reward. Let me be perfectly clear: ANY dominion is unrighteous dominion. It’s these practices and untruths that Mormons have never truly repudiated and repented of, that have served as food and water for this mold. Because of this, black toxins have been quietly growing behind walls made of God-sanctioned patriarchy ever since.
There’s mold in the walls of this church, and denial has never been a successful strategy in eliminating it. Without an honest investigation of the source, we have little hope for eradication and a toxic-free environment. When we seek to protect the structure more than the inhabitants within, we all continue to suffer. Before healing can occur, Mormon iniquities and untruths about the male dominance over females must be revealed, properly named, and eradicated.
There is no other way.
In the case of my daughter’s school, investigators found the mold to be so pervasive that a new school was erected instead. Rather than having children stay in a school dangerous to their long-term health, the district built a state of the art facility where children could learn and grow in a safe and toxic free environment.
In contrast, rather than eradicating the original mold from the walls, the church has decided to explain away the generational iniquities of the past with the platitudes and apologetics of today. They have labeled the abused souls “blips” rather than victims of a system that promises eternal salvation yet allows for the equivalent of spiritual homicide. The church issues a policy change that only wallpapers over black mildew stains which are ominously spreading across the room. Having two leaders in a primary room is great. It’s not the problem. Reminding me of parental rights I already have is great. It’s not problem. Until men no longer feel they have a right to preside over females due to their gender, the contamination will continue. Until men dismantle its hierarchical system where position and authority is honored above all, mold spores will fly. Until men begin to honor women’s voices and experiences rather than marginalize and minimize their personhood, this toxin will continue to cause illness.
Once this recognition and repentance occurs, perhaps we can begin to understand that patriarchy alone was never meant to be a whole or holy system. Once we feel through the pain this system has created and provide true assistance to the acutely affected victims among us, perhaps we can rebuild the walls of this faith community with the support of both men and women, patriarchy and matriarchy. Together, hand in hand, we can co-create systems in this church that support wholeness and healthy understandings of worth, sexual expression and identity. That honor and value men AND women. Until there is a balance of a patriarchy and matriarchy, there will be no hope of a structure without toxicity. No hope of a Zion-like society.
There’s mold in these walls, and it’s corroding the souls of the remarkable people in this church.
There’s mold in these walls, and to fix it, we’ve got to find another way.
By Caroline Crockett Brock. Wife. Mother. Writer. Goddess in Embryo.
19 Responses
A lot of interesting things to think about. I like your analogy.
YEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!! This! Add in eliminating the racial foundations (cursed with a skin of blackness, white and delight some, chosen race, etc) and we are ready to slay allll that mold!
These are brave, bold, words. Thank you.
Be sure that your diagnosis correlates with historical and doctrinal reality. Then be sure that your remedy actually brings a cure which does not result in the death of your patient.
Doctrinally in the LDS church, the most powerful female in the universe stands deaf and mute beside her mate. Doctrinally, we’re left with confusing statements about how many eternal heavenly mothers there are, as though God is one giant polygamst. Historically, we’ve been told not to pray to our Divine Mother or actively cultivate what a feminine divine presence in the church would look like. This has created a church that is unbalanced and suffering. I’m already worried about the death of the patient—the patients being the members, not the organization as it stands. Are you so worried about the death of the wounded male ego in this church? Of the death of artificial scaffoldings of authority and hierarchical power? Of committees and correlation departments writing Relief Society manuals featuring men from the 1800s telling women how to be more like Heavenly Father? Instead of worrying about the organization, perhaps it would be beneficial to dream about what a church with a strong vibrant matriarchy would look like–how it would enhance and enliven the whole. There is such beauty and possibility after the death of immature beliefs and fears.
Old man, in the analogy, the infected school was torn down and a new one built. And healing the church can only happen if we care more about the church members than we do the church structure. Are God’s children less important than the organization? We call it God’s church, but if it is committing spiritual homicide against God’s children, then it isn’t God’s church is it?
I like the term “spiritual homicide” because it gives a name to the testimony shattering way my abuser was coddled while I was lectured on being worse than my abuser because I “was not forgiving” when in reality, forgiveness was not the problem. The problem was spiritual injuries, and I was condemned for being injured while the person who was unrepentant because he was uncomprehending, was loved and reassured that he would be forgiven. He was told how worthy of God’s love he was, while My mother and I were being treated as worthless.
So, I think what the church did to me by abusing me on top of my father’s sexual abuse of me, would qualify as spiritual homicide. I had to get away from the institution that was teaching me to hate God for preferring my abuser over me.
Thank you for your story Anna. I am so sorry you were treated this way, and that there wasn’t a group of wise matriarchs that could have stepped up and wrapped their arms around you and your mom, providing love, support, healing, and a safe place to grieve. I hope you’ve found a circle of sisters to assist in your process of spiritual resuscitation.
So much yes to this. Thank you for your honest, courageous words. I needed them.
Thank you for being beautiful and eloquent, and graceful and kind in your reply to this beautiful and strong woman of endurance and wisdom!
“A kind (or soft?) answer turneth away wrath” <–even though your words were meant for her, they blessed me, and I'm sure so many others who will read only, but not necessarily reply!
I hope that the LORD will bless you as you have been a blessing, and will continue to be!
-Ciao, Bella!
-With GREAT sincerity,
One Old and Crusty Lady
Dear Anna,
I am not Mormon–I am a non-denominational, Protestant, wanna-be Christian (lol), so I don’t know much about you all’s religion, Google directed me here, based on my search query.
I wanted to thank you for being an awesome person, and being able to articulate your feelings through horrendous, and unimaginable–for many people–experiences. I thank you, because it helps IMMENSELY to hear other people’s experiences with an abusive parent or parents. Though I have never walked a mile in your particular pair of shoes, I can relate to abusers being “colddled” while you–the victim of their wicked and selfish behavior–are the one who is treated like you’re the one with the problem.
I am glad that you extricated yourself from what wasn’t a place that was worthy of your beauty and strength.
I am glad that you had the wisdom that I lack–you recognized that hating GOD wasn’t what you wanted to do, and I recognize that too…but I have had an issue with beginning to not love Him with all my heart and with all my mind and with all my soul–as the Holy Bible instructs–which is putting it lightly. …Very lightly.
While no one who has suffered from abuse of any kind probably would want anyone else to suffer from abuse either–it helps immensely to read others who have had a similiar enough experience to your own. Especially, when you live in a world where you are all alone in your abuse–and people would rather be on the right hand of your abusers–even though they KNOW about some if not most if not ALL of the abuse–and who the bad guys are, than be on the rigth hand of a nice person who is weak, and will remain kind and loving and available to them–no matter HOW many times the outsiders spit in their face by choosing to pretend that the victim of abuse is to blame–or is the bad guy–even when they have been abused by the same person(s), or/and have witnessed same person(s) abusing. Yet…they have witnessed nothing but love and kindness and humbleness out of the victim…and honesty as well.
I struggle with hatred toward GOD..and have for decades, once I saw that–there was no way for me to figure out some way to blame myself for things that were done to me in open secret and in secret-secret.
THank you for being a strong and beautiful Woman!
I thank the blog writer for blessing others with allowing people to post anonymously (aka openly) as well, and for replying to your post with such beauty, warmth, and grace!
Much love and solidarity and spiritual support (via prayers that the LORD GOD may not hear…from me that is..LOL) from me to you and the blog owner. I haven’t read the blog post yet, but I may…I just wanted to find the thing that GOogle brought me here for.
THank you both for being beautiful. and too, for any other abuse surviviors who choose NOT to post…but read…you are NOT alone, and no matter what lies and cowardice you face in the coldness and rejection of former friends, neighbors, and family, please know that you are NOT ALONE, and that there are many MORE BEAUTIFUL people that support and would support you as best they could, and would listen to you, and BELIEVE YOU TOO! GOD BLESS YOUR HEARTS and I hope He will heal us and support us, and forgive people like myself that struggle with hatred and anger–and the sins that may accompany those emotions. I pray too often that He forgive me for my angry and embarrsingly vile words railed against Him–when it is abuse that is attacking me–not Him. I have anger for His choices/decisions that are above my head, and none of my business–I am not HIS boss–He is mine–but I have anger, I just don’t want to, and I want to have a righteous spirit in me–that is immovable by outside, evil, and exceedingly wicked circumstance.
Please don’t give up, ya’ll!
-Much love from one old and crusty lady (lol!)
Your post is perfect. I mean that very literally.
Thanks! Elle! That means a lot. Actually, a longer version of this post will be on feministmormonhousewives on friday–one with more detail, and a version that goes through the stripping of female power in the 20 century that also weakened women’s collective “immune system”. Thank you for reading. I think this movement is helping us all ferret out the mold and chose to move out of the house or engage in some active cleaning of the rooms we choose to inhabit–as least, that is my hope!
Yes. Too often, our answer has been to make patriarchy better, instead of to eradicate patriarchy.
Yes–we’ve suffered through wounded male systems for too long. There needs to be more of a balance going forward, but I wonder how that is going to happen. Do women leave the church in droves, creating their own “circles” that feed their souls, leaving men to their own church? Does a woman from the outside with her own powers and priestesshood and scripture come forth as a counterpart, and would it be received or rejected? I find that LDS mainstream women are as resistive as LDS men in reaching for anything other than they have now. It’s a dynamic seen in many other oppressive systems, where the women actually police and enforce the suppression because it’s the only way they gain prestige and power in the group (other than through their male relatives). Do we wait for the men to realize what matriarchy looks like, or do we “rise up” (insurrection) and resurrect female spirituality that has been lost for centuries?
This is so well written and poignant. Thank you.
I’ve been waiting for someone to say this out loud since this whole conversation started.
This church was founded by a sexual predator, a documented sexual predator.
Making a few small process changes will never fix that sickening fact because the church also mythologized his founding story – the predator behavior is part of the stories – but the telling is from his POV, if you consider it from the angle of his victims, he gaslights Emma, uses his spiritual leadership role as a get out of jail free card, courts teenage girls and the unwilling wives of loyal husbands. The church has accepted & normalized all that behavior, internalized it, because it was done by Joseph Smith (and Brigham Young after him.)
This problem goes all the way back to the root of the church. To say it is wrong, you have to acknowledge it is wrong all the way back to the beginning.
Yes. 100% agree. Once this occurs, perhaps the leadership can be open and desirous enough to actually ask about the other half of God instead of pretending she’s off “decorating heaven” (Maxwell). There are massive, insidious, pernicious wounds and dysfunctions that have spun off of an immature understanding of the feminine divine, women’s roles in heaven, and the inconsistent, unloving, dysfunctional, sexual predator behavior from its founder. We’re got to be brave enough to call a spade a spade, or else we’re just wallpapering over mold. It’s called humility and repentance. I’d love for the church to model it.
Caroline,
I agree with your observations and assessment about the “mold” within the church but it is difficult for me to continue believing the Church is the Kingdom of God on the earth. My spouse has already decided to leave. I’m probably not far behind since I feel an emptiness about staying regardless of what changes the Church may introduce.
HI R. Black! I understand your feelings. I have been resigned several years now, although my husband, children and the rest of my extended family are all in. It is my current understanding that the Kingdom of God, or a “Zion-like” society can be created anywhere, anytime. It can be created in our homes, with each Adam and Eve. It can be created with multiple churches or no church. There is no one “chosen” people (IMO). This is “chosen” belief feeds into our emotional wound of not being loved enough, and feeling that we must be “special” in order to be loved. I think the church is far from a Zion-like society now, but that doesn’t mean that the members can’t strive for it. Perhaps one day their desire for this type of church will eclipse the fears they have that the church must remain the same in order to continue to be “the one true gospel”. But I have no doubt that for this church to evolve, it MUST look into the origins of its beliefs and doctrines surrounding the place of women, starting with Heavenly Mother. Without balancing the equation at the top there will never be wholeness (holiness).:) Thanks for the comment!